Are ex's suppose to be so friendly when they have new partners?

Question

My bf is divorced w/2 boys, I think he feels obligated to their mom because thats the mother of his kids. I don't understand this. Is it suppose to be like this, he use to say they have cordial relationship or they try to get along for the kids now he was saying they are friends and if she need something or he does its ok to ask each other. they are clearly over each other she lives with another guy and is engaged I think. he was devasted when she didn't want to be with him anymore. I think he was not ok when I met him cause he use to defend her. I ended up developing so many insecurities when it comes to them. What can I do to feel better. Is this ok for him to feel this way. How are divorced people with kids suppose to interact when they have new significant others.

Also he loves me dearly, he shows and will do anything for me but he seems to be such a caring person but I think their is a limit and boundaries when it comes to the ex and having a new lady.

Answer 1

Divorce means the complete separating of two things that were once joined as one. Many people who divorce and still continue the same patterns and communication as they did when they were married are not yet "emotionally" divorced. They will continue with non-essential ties, that should really be severed in order for them to move on. There should be no obligation to the Ex, except what is in the divorce decree and an obligation to the kids only. The opposite of love, is not hate or even "friendship", it is indifference. Many men have this misconception that in order to have a relatonship with their kids, they have to make the Ex "happy" or not "make waves". This is really ridiculous and leaves it wide open for the Ex to manipulate them and certain situations. Many former spouses also find it difficult to see that the other person has actually learned from mistakes and have simply moved on, so they will keep the non-essential ties going.

Concerning the kids. I feel they should have a business-like, co-parenting relationship only. Their business being that of bringing up adjusted and happy kids who get to know and love each of them "separately". This way, both people can move on and share new personal experiences, traditions and make new memories with the new person in their life. The communication should be about the kids only and that boundary should be set. No chit, chat.

If they continue this route and you feel uncomfortable with it and he is still defending her, you may develop resentment for her that will build up over time and may even destroy your relationship. If you have to see her over and over, it may re-hash these feelings. You need to discuss boundaries with him and what is acceptable and what is not. If he is not willing to do things or change things, so that you are comfortable and puts your feeling first, you may have to think about moving on. It is a terrible place to be where you are and it may eat at you.

Everyone has opinions about how Exes should interact. If they have moved on and no longer are interested in each other, then they should focus on the new relationships and let go of the past. They should be emotionally divorced and working together 100% for their kids and not on a friendship that causes conflict in their "new" lives.
Remember that this is your life too and you have a right to live the way you feel is right. You shouldn't feel you are being "fit" into what they have going or like a 3rd wheel, that is no way to live. Good luck sweetie!

Answer 2

hhmm, in a way he's becoming more mature for the kids sake however, as for the being friends with the ex is a BIG no no. Most cases they hate each other but they pretend to be nice towards one another for the kids. It also seems like he's not quite over the breakup because he is being super nice to his ex by being the "Friend" to her. I suggest you have a talk with him and let him know that there should be some very thin bounderies between him and the ex otherwise it will hurt you and his relationship together. Lay out the facts with him and see if he agrees or dissagrees. If he says that it's for the kids sake, then you tell him that he needs to set it to a point otherwise the kids will defenetly think that the parents might get back together in the long run which can be bad in some cases. He just needs to get over her and only care for the kids ONLY not the ex too.

Answer 3

Tricky, tricky, tricky .... I find that if your current partner is handing out gifts that cost more than yours to an ex, it's a poorly played game on his part. I call a massive PARTY FOUL !!!! Although, I am a little confused on something .... you didn't mention, but did your partner get the ex (1) gift or many? And are you just getting (1) gift as well? I'm a jealous person ... I've earned it. So, the BF and his ex communicating is a total buzz kill. I get so paranoid when my guy wants to send an ex a Christmas card ... he says cause he feels sorry for him (evidently not many family members around) Anywho, that's all I allow him to do .... they had their chances together and it didn't work, leave well enough alone ... it's like whiping before you poop ... it doesn't make sense (Thanks Larry)

Answer 4

You say he loves you dearly, but you don't say how long you have been together. He has to get along with his ex for the sake of their kids, they are the most important ones to think about, even with you. So don't worry about it, the kids are just always first. Or you might even be even with them if he loves you so much, so don't argue with him about the kids. They are so precious with the mom and dad. It is good that they are not arguing and being bitter, because that would be awful with everyone especially with the kids, so it is good that there is no bitterness. You should both be glad that eveything is going well with all that because that means that your relationship can go smooth.

Answer 5

They shared something very special that will always be there, they are the children. How fortunate for them to be on such good and mature terms. You should not feel threatened. Try and take the high road. You may never be a friend to your mans Ex but you don't have to be the enemy either.

Answer 6

Getting along when you have kids is a good thing. If you are insecure about it, work on that and understand that he's with you now, she's with the other guy. I'm sure it's not like they are spending private time together. Also, be glad that they get along because otherwise she could be trying to make his life miserable asking for more support withholding his children, etc. Bite the bullet and try to get along. Maybe even try to be friends with her yourself. Remember, keep your friends close and your enemies (or rivals/competition) closer.

Answer 7

Well if you know that he loves you, and that his ex has also moved on, its time to be more secure with yourself. Its important for parents to have a relationship for the sake of the kids, its a plus if they are actually friends, it makes for better rounded children. So dont worry, or try not to...because this woman will be apart of his life forever in some form or another.

Answer 8

I think its great that he has a good relationship with his ex. Its healthy for his children to see that there is no animosity between parents, it makes for a no stress environment. And lets be realistic, why make it hard for him to see his kids, he is doing the right thing, I bet he can see them whenever he wants because the of that great relationship. Its not about you, its about his children.

Besides, how would you feel if that was your ex-husband and the father of your kids? Wouldn't you want him to have a good relationship with the kids? What about his kids? Think about that perspective. Give him the room, be supportive and you will be the good guy in this.

Answer 9

Yes ex's are supposed to be friendly especially if there are children involved. She was his wife, they shared a lot together and even though they are no longer married for the rest of their lives they will share the common bond of their children. THEY WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO COMMUNICATE AND HELP EACH OTHER!. This is something that you need to deal with being in a relationship with a man who was married and has children with another woman.

I would take them being with other people and being nice to each other as a good sign, it means he isn't jealous of her man so he isn't still wanting her in that way. they may really be friends. It isn't going to be easy to deal with but you cannot expect to be the one and only light in his life, this is what happens when you are involved with people that have children - taking care of his wife is part of taking care of his children.

Good luck!

Answer 10

You knew this man had children, when you ran into him. You also knew that he and his ex-wife had a cordial relationship. He is not going to stop interacting with this woman, because of you. She is the mother of his children. You should not have gotten involved with a man who had a good relationship with his ex, if you couldn't handle it. You'll have to deal with your insecuries, or find yourself another boyfriend.