My boyfriend is the sweetest guy on earth, but he has a daughter, an I'm having problems dealing. Help???

Question

Keith has never treated me like anything but a queen. We have been together a year now, an it is unbelievable. But a month after was started dating, one year ago on the 8th, his ex gf birthed their daughter, Gabrielle. I love her to death, and wouldnt change a thing about her coming into this world (except maybe her phyco mother). The problem is.....sometimes I feel like I am competing with her for his love. We are teenagers, so its hard, but we have been through so much together in this last year. His life changed completely, and almost came to an end once, but I talked him out of it. He has explained to me time and time again that the love he feels for me and the love for his daughter are different kinds of love, but I get so...lost. He had to spend our 1 year anniversary with Gabrielle because the mother had to work, and even though I am happy for every minute he spends with her, since he isn't aloud to often, it is hard. I want to learn to accept and fit into this step-mother role.

Answer 1

Dear,

What's wrong with him having a daughter. You said he's the sweetest guy on earth. Grasp him together with the daughter. I don't see any problems.

Answer 2

Okay, first and foremost if you both are still teenagers, step-mother most likely isn't an option. (I was 15 when I had my first son and 22 by the time I had 3 all together, so I have experience in this situation).
Second, until you have a child, or are an adult and mature enough to handle a situation like this, you aren't going to come to terms with it. What is going to happen is that you are going to push this boy away. He loves his daughter more than words could ever describe, more than you, himself, life, breath, and anything else under the sun. Even though it is a different kind of love, she will always come first, or at least she should (if he is a truley good and loving dad). You need to remember that and accept it and if you can't then at least care enough about this boy to not make him feel like he has to chose, and just let him go.
If he has already been to the point of "ending it", what do you honestly think pulling him between you and his daughter will do? Besides, if he doesn't get to see her often, why are you whining? For real, you should be ashamed for even thinking the way you are thinking. You are being more than selfish.
Like I said, all you are going to do with this way of thinking is push him away from you. Grow up a little more first, then you could maybe have a relationship like what you are talking about. You might even be able to handle it then.

Answer 3

You have quite a dilemma. You say you fall for guys and you get layed often. Ever thought that you may come off easy to these guys and you're a quick lay. They already know you don't expect much and don't have high standards so that's the way you will be treated. Always expect more than the norm. You say you don't want to seem desperate but your actions scream desperate. Sure you have a great "social life" but that is a problem because you are not dealing with the problem of loneliness, just masking it. Figure out what really makes you happy. A mate is not the first of your problems. For one you suffer with low self esteem and you need a strong support system to help you. Start to love yourself now.

Answer 4

I think that the first day you started dating was because you accepted your boyfriend and his daughter. This comes to show how a great a person you are, but you shouldn't feel as if you're competing with the mother. He loves his daughter because of obvious reasons and you because you're the person he wants to be with, that's what he means by different kinds of love. Now the mother is pretty much out of the picture and you shouldn['t worry about her. Regarding your anniversary it shouldn't be too big a deal. Think of it as this way, you're going to spend many more days with your boyfriend and create wonderful memories. One day is nothing but another day even if it's a special one. You just have to learn to accept that and maybe then you won't get so worked up over little things. I hope my advice helps.

Answer 5

Being a step-parent is one of the hardest assignments ever. Take it from someone who has been there. Right now, you have a much better opportunity than many of us as your step-daughter is so young. Your boyfriend is right, he feels a different attachment to you than he does her. But, you're all still the family and must work to maintain a strong family unit. Your one year anniversary will be small pottoes when bigger things happen for you so let it go; you'll feel good about it. That little girl should be everyone's primary focus when it comes to being responsible for her growing safe and being cared for.

Answer 6

What you say makes perfect sense - Husbands often feel the same way when their wives focus more attention on their baby resulting in a sense of abandonment during that moment in time. It causes a sense of loss and disconnection and is followed by jealousy and frustration and possibly anger. Somehow, during these times, the husband has to come to terms with the fact that he no longer has his wife to himself and at the same time realise that his wife doesn't love him any less. For her, she just needs to attend to her baby's needs as well. When the baby's needs are met, then, having attended to her own needs, she can then give her time to her husband.
I understand it is very painful for you and I'm sure you will ride it out. Sadly, there really is no magic pill for your pain. It just takes time as everyone comes to terms with the new arrangements. My answer won't change the situation but I hope it helps you to see that neither you, Keith nor the baby are the problem.

Answer 7

Just think about the relationship you have with your dad. Does your dad love you the same way he loves your mom? No!! You are a part of your dad, naturally he loves you. If he had to choose you over a gf (if he was not married), who do you think he would choose? He would choose his child. If you want to be a good gf, you need to accept his child as part of the package, and encourage him to be with his child as much as possible, even if that infringes on certain things that you would like to do together. An anniversary is just a date, you can celebrate on another day, or later that day. That child did not choose for her parents not to be together. She does not deserve to be punished for things that she has no control over.

You will never be in competition with his child. There is no way a gf or bf can compete with a parent's love for their child!

Answer 8

Well #1 you are not the step mom yet, ya have to be married for that.

What you are experiencing is flat out jealousy but don't get all huffy, its pretty normal when one has children and the other does not.

I have to honestly say that you will make a wonderful impression with your BF if you totally kick back, give him time with his child and in fact you take time with her too and leave him out to do something he would like to do.

That would be the 1st step in accepting the role of step mother.

Good luck

Answer 9

Your jealous of his daughter...as a teenager that is normal you want to be numero uno and you cant be numero uno in his life his daughter has the spot for life.....What you should do is accept the fact that he has a daughter and one on one time with him will be limited....Why don't you just chill out for awhile and let him get use to being a dad that is a huge responsibility at any age.....After he he is adjusted you can start having one on one time with the little girl and show him you want to be there for him as well as his daughter...don't try to hard let it happen

Answer 10

I agree with others who say children come first it does not mean he don't love you it just means that he is preoccupied with the infant things should be fine