12 year old out of control!!!!!! help?

Question

ok there is a friend who needs help. her 12 year old has bad attitude,screams ,talks back . what are good ways to dicipline or try to put a stop . please give me ideas thanks

by the way she she is adopted so she cannot put a hand on her (if it was her own child trust me she would have smack the s#$#@ out of her) the girl is surrounded by social workers,lawyers,DRs,nurses,case managers .

Answer 1

my oldest daughter was a bad, bad 12 year old.
no traditional discipline like grounding, taking her stuff, etc would work
I couldn't spank her because she would just say "hit me again"
It is also so easy to get into a battle of the wills and believe me a 12 year old can be very stubborn

If she is yelling, try not to yell back. Try to remain the adult and Don't let her drag you into the fights

What I had to do was remind myself that I am the parent
I need to take the high road and try to get us through this rough time

Eventually, I decided to pick my battles. I tried not to sweat the small stuff. Luckily, my daughter was a great child in public. She was great in school, etc. At home she just let it all go and would lose control.

As a nurse, I tried to remember that this is a really hard time to be a kid. She is trying to find her niche in the world. She is self conscious. Her body is changing as we speak! And her hormones are all out of whack.

Try to cut her some slack and pick your battles. Be very simple in your punishment. For instance, if she slams her bedroom door.......get a screwdriver and take it off the hinges.

My daughter is 21 now and we lived through it. She called me everything you can imagine. Now she tells me.....I know that you will be a great grandmother because you kept from killing me!

Good Luck!

Answer 2

You can discipline a child without violence. Grounding from the things the child loves works wonders. Take away the phone, computer, TV, video games, time with friends etc... You have to be firm in it though. No backing out or being inconsistent with it (like grounding for something one time but then not grounding if they do it again). Always be sure she knows what she did wrong and why it's wrong, you don't have to yell about it or be really accusing, but if you let her know why it is wrong, she is more likely to see your side of it rather than if you just get mad, yell and send her to her room. Also, this gives her a chance to be closer to an equal to you, because it will show you know she is intelligent and should understand your reasons for being upset, which may be what she is wanting but isn't sure how to accomplish.

Doing it right back to them doesn't always help... it sometimes makes things worse because it puts you on their level and they start to view you as a child, too, which is what you are trying to avoid.

Counseling may be a good idea, especially considering she is adopted, if it was a recent adoption (as in she was old enough to understand what was going on) she may be feeling out of place, unloved(which isn't necessarily anyone's fault) and is lashing out as a defense mechanism. Mediation is a great tool in these situations. Counsellors are really good at finding a way to open up paths of communication that weren't there before and letting people speak more freely.

Good luck!
Sarah

Answer 3

it's really hard... this question... if the child wasn't really disciple and put in check in the younger years, it's gonna be really tough to start it now. at twelve yrs old, your inbetween being a child, and a adult. it's hard because parents often expect them to remain a child, and then at some other points expect them to respond or responsible as an adult. try reflextive listening. where u bring up a concern, and question them, let them talk, and u listen. once the child hear somethings out loud it'll help them understand and feel in controll. tweleve yrs old is way too old to introduce spanking, and often at this age makes them more angry, and teach. if things don't get better assist the child into counseling for themselves, and also the family as a whole. often times there are other things going on u would've never known nor realized. and it always helps to have a third party to help both sides understand each other. sometimes children that age accepts things better from a outside source,

Answer 4

First of all let me ask, is her daughter fine until her mom comes around or is she like that with everyone she meets? My aunt has a little boy who is very violent sometimes, but he is only that way whenever his mom is in the room. He does it to see what he can get by with. Different types of discipline work differently with every child. Example: If I spank my oldest for doing something wrong he almost always does the same thing five minutes later. But if I put him in time-out such as in the corner or on the couch with no TV...he usually will not do it again. My youngest responds best to a sharp no, but he is still sort of young so it is too early to tell. Another Aunt of mine has a son and when he was 14 he was the same way as the girl you are describing. I am not disagreeing with anybody, but he was sent to boot camp 2 or 3 different times and it never worked. He had to have special counseling and close monitoring to straighten him out. I would suggest trying different types of discipline to see what works best. First I would start by taking away possessions. Remove everything from her bedroom except her bed and clothes. Only allow her out of her room to eat, to use the bathroom, or to go to school etc., do not allow her to talk to her friends...if that doesn't work, try different measures such as boot camp, counseling, etc.... Another method few parents consider is something like house arrest. Hire a teacher to come to the house for her studies and keep her home. Do not let her leave the house for anything unless it is absolutely necessary while combining it with the method of taking her possessions. I also agree about removing the bedroom door. Or you could lock her out of her bedroom and make her sleep on an air mattress in her moms room...she would probably absolutely hate that.

Answer 5

She is at the age where teens test the parents and push any boundaries that have been established which ,lin this case,evidently was't done.

Boot Camp is an option but please only as a last resort. You have some very good suggestions given here-remove tv, etc. I used that method though my two were not anything like this kid-she is out of control and a poll done over the years shows that kids will fight limitations and rules but that basically deep down, they want and need them-it assures them the parents love them enough to take time to raise them right. Many parents don't bother and don't care. Tragic.

Answer 6

No such thing as an out of control 12 year old , it is a parent who has never took control ....If my kids ever got in my face and yeld out or screamed , they would hit the floor real quick , and not by throwing themselves down there either ...The Parents of this child are just paying for bad parenting for 12 years , I have a 15 year old , even at 15 I will still lay a belt across his @ss if he acts up , he is 170 lbs , and 5'11 , I do not care , I told him if he ever acts up , I will handle it , No Child will ever run over me , nor will they tell me what they will and will not do ....this behavior so late in life is going to require stiff , and harsh punishment , such as whipping the kids @ss ...it is not going to be easy at all , this is why so many younger adults are in prison now , is because mom , and dad failed as a parent , you have to be a parent , boss , and controller of kids until they become adults , they are reasons kids do not get to make real decisions until they are 18 ..it is because they are kids ..not adults .....when they are not properly trained as a child , or properly controlled as teens they end up dead or in jail ....she is going to have to stand up to this child . this child talks back , and screams because it has been allowed , she needs to stop allowing this behavior , it may take knocking this kid to the florr a couple of times , ( I am not talking about knocking it out ) but this is going to be the hardest thing you friend has ever done , making the baby is the fun part , raising ,and training a child is harder than any job in the world ...the first step is for your friend to get a backbone , and stand up , let this kid know this behavior is no longer tolerated ..if it had been done from the start , it would have never gotten this bad ...

Answer 7

Does the child have a tv in his/her room? Take it out.
Does the child have game systems in his/her room? Take them out.
Does the child have a cell phone? Take it away.
Does the child have a computer in his/her room? Take it out.
Does the child have household chores? Make sure he/she does.
For as long as is needed, the child goes nowhere besides school and church. No football, no cheerleading, no shopping at the mall, no going to a friends. Keep very close tabs on his/her whereabouts at all times.
Remove the bedroom door, remove anything not absolutely necessary from the child's room.

These items are to be earned back by exibiting disicpline and respect.

This is a drastic measure, but it does work. If the parent does resort to this method, it must be done with a loving firmness, not in anger or with vidictivness.

Answer 8

That Boot Camp answer is a good one, especially if she gets all that Social Service financial support too. But, sometimes some of those boot camps will welcome your youngster for a weekend or some such and most of the other students there will really let her know it's time to wise up. They'll prove to her in no uncertain terms she can't handle near as much as she thinks she can.

Answer 9

Your parents need to be more assertive! If he can't get his act together I would suggest military school or at least psychiatric help. However, I really believe your parents can correct his behavior. There's not much you can do sweetie. If I were you, I would give him a good ************ but ya know that's just what I would do. Good luck!

Answer 10

A. grounding as in no computer no phone no t.v. no friends. if they dont like to read make them read a book.B. tell them if they dont behave they have to do community service[if behavior continues find some very annoying and boring thing to do.]C.if A and B dont work consulte a counsler