Stay and be unhappy or leave and be guilty?

Question

I'm in an unhappy marriage. I married her a year and half ago. At the time we got married she had two kids: 2 year old and a new born (now a 3 year old and a 17 months old).

Everyday is a constant struggle. There is no happiness left. We fight endlessly. I started having thoughts of leaving few months ago. The more we go in this marriage, the more I realize there is no future.

The only thing that keeps me is that my wife and her two kids are dependent on me. She doesn't work, but she gets $450 a month child support for one of the kids. If I leave, they got no else to support them.

I confessed my feelings to my wife. She's very hurt. She refuses to be rational and rather be emotional about it. She's almost begging for me to stay. I told her that I wouldn't leave before making sure her the kids are ok.

She got a family that used to support her but she doesn't have a healthy relationship with them any more. If I stay I'm miserable. If I leave I'll die of guilt.

Serious answers please

Answer 1

Try some counseling before you make any final decisions.

Answer 2

My question is ... Why did you marry her? A year and a half seems like it should still fall under the heading of "honeymoon stage". Personally, I understand that with kids already thrown into the mix the honeymoon stage tends to be cut short to say the least. But, there had to have been real reasons why you decided, less than 2 years ago, to live the rest of your life with this woman. Try to remember those reasons.

Maybe it's just the stress of the situation, being put into the role of PROVIDER for a family of four has got to be tough.

But what is it about your wife and your relationship with her that allows you to feel that "there is no future". No future for what?

I guess I just can't understand where you are coming from.

My suggestion woud be to find a marriage counselor. I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid or important all I'm saying is that you owe it to yourself and your wife to explore WHY you are having those feelings and what (if anything) can be done about it. You shouldn't have to feel like your only 2 options are to stay and be unhappy or leave and be guilty, you could stay and figure out how to be happy OR you could leave after knowing you'd tried your best. You do have more options and your choices shouldn't only be ones that leave you feeling negative about yourself.

And if your wife is willing to work at it, I think you should take her up on it.

I hope I had something worthwhile to say. Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

first of all you were completely right in telling your wife. Not telling her and just up and leaving or staying and being miserable without her knowing it would be very wrong. All you can do is what you've been doing. Help her get on her feet, try and find friends or family to help her and then tell her you really do need to end this. In the mean time maybe you two can be more roommates than a couple, the more you distance yourself now the easier it'll be later. Also it lets her know you're serious about the situation and that you no longer want to be married.

This is so tricky and honestly no one can answer this for you, all you can do is try and get supports in place for her wether it be welfare or assisted living etc since if you leave she wont have any money other than the small child support, and if you live in a house, she needs to live in an affordable apartment etc.

You cant sacrifice your happiness for the rest of your life and stay in a loveless marriage. All you can do is try and put the supports in place and then you have to move on.

Answer 4

Well, when you marry someone it should be for better or for worse. Otherwise, you'd just date them. But when you take it to the marriage level, you take on a world of commitment and responsiblity, and agree to stick it out through the hard times too.
When you married her you knew she had 2 kids. You knew it wouldn't be easy. Anyone would know that wouldn't be easy.
And you've only been married for a year and a half - they say marraige starts to get easier after 5 yrs. I'm at almost four and still waiting.... : )
But really, if you do love her, and you care about her kids, try as hard as you can to think of ways to improve the relationship, and have her think of ways too. Then both of you follow through on your ideas... compromise... set goals together.
If you feel like there's just no hope, then you shouldn't stay. You'll only waste both of your time and prolong something you're anticipating to end.
So, my answer, all possibility of reconciliation aside... leave.
You cannot be a good husband if your heart isn't there, and as your wife, she deserves the best of you... just like you deserve the best of her.
It's a really sad thing when people give up, but it's better than living a lie. It's good that you've been honest about how you feel.
Just know, though, as you mentioned above about her not being "rational".... she won't. She'll be confused and hurt, she'll feel betrayed and abandoned. She'll call you every name in the book and sweare she hates you... so expect it. It's only normal when someone has their heart broken.
Good luck to you and your situation.

Answer 5

You sound like a very nice guy. I wish more men were that considerate. First off I would try counselling. If that doesn't work then I would definately leave. Help her find a way to support herself. Chances are she's a very crafty woman and will either find another man to support her, will have to apply for Public assistence through the county's Medicaid office, or will resolve her issues with her family and find help there. I'm in a similar situation that your wife is in. I'm unhapply in a relationship and I have a one year old litle boy with him.

Hope I helped a little. If you can't work things out you have to leave. If you'e unhappy then everyone else will be unhappy around you and it's not fair for those kids to go through that.

Answer 6

This is truly a hard one. You do owe yourself some happiness too. But give it a good thought before you make a move. The grass always look greener on the other side of the fence. You will miss your wife and those children so much, It's obvious that they are in your heart. You think you will be happier but feeling guilty if you leave. I don't, I think you will be miserable. This marriage definitely call for counseling. It can be saved. Remember you loved her when you married. Now let me bust your bubble. The problem is you are so busy watching her faults. you can't see yours. You think she is the one with the issues, It's not her it's you. Sit down and take a look at yourself quietly. And recognize what you can do to eliminate the so-call struggle.

Answer 7

It's nice to know that there is such a thoughtful man out there. When i married my husband i had a new born... three year old and nine year old. He had a six and ten year old. I know how hard and stressful it can be .. but we all deserve to be happy. If you dont love her and all u do is fight all the time its not healthy. You should leave. Let her find someone that she will he happy with as well. If you feel that you need to help with the kids then do just that. She can get up and get a job too. Hell i worked three jobs when i was pregnant with my last child. There are also programs for single mothers that will help them to get on their feet. Dont let her guilt you into staying so you can take care of her and her kids. Thats bull ****.

Answer 8

Hey my little petticoat cheer up, you have to think this through, maybe its time for you to sit down on my lap and talk a while, you know I'm here for you and you know I want you. Of course I want you in my bed I haven't tried to hide that have I? why should I? I love you and you know that also. You say you are faking organisms, Hey! that won't happen when we finally get together and make love, you will have multiple organisms by the score and because I will not have to take precautions so will I. You already know my measurements, unfortunately my girl friends have found it a bit daunting at first but it is surprising how much a woman stretches when she is in love, full penetration will not be a problem as long as we take it easy at first. So my little petticoat what have you to worry about that takes care of your sexual frustrations. It will be there whenever you want it. I know you want me to cuddle you and whisper I love you into your ear and be there for you, believe me I will, come and live with me right now. The girls I am seeing at the moment now know of your existence and I have told them that as soon as you are free I will be there for you and share your bed and everything else. But! i also know that leaving your husband takes courage because there is still a light that has not fully extinguished and until you know that it has you would never be happy with me, why don't we try having an affair? This way you can burn the candle both ends and receive the support from the one who loves you most in this world Me. Runaway and see my face but look before you leap to stay and wither would be such a disgrace time my love will not keep Babies we may never enjoy but love will muster and love will be our joy Hey! lets not get in a fluster Its time for me and you to do it Your ever loving Taffyxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx... PS; I forgot to wish you a happy new year darling so, happy new year, and keep your legs open, wink, wink you know why.,

Answer 9

I think you two should seek counseling together. If you can' t afford a shrink, seek out a local pastor or priest. It's worth a shot before completely throwing in the towel. If you are serious about leaving her and are worried for her kids future, maybe you should look up some local programs that will put her through a vocational program or schooling. There is so much opportunities out there for women with kids. She can go through a short term program like a Licensed vocational nurse (programs about a year) or a court reporter...They also offer daycare while she goes. If you can work on fixing the relationship, then I think it is worth it. If not, don't feel guilty. You deserve to be happy even if it's not together. Good luck. I hope everything works out best for all of you.

Answer 10

It is not selfish to want to be happy. If you guys are fighting all the time, it may be better for the kids for you to go. Just because you leave, doesn't mean you have to stop helping her and the kids, as it sounds like you love her enough to want to help. I am in a unhappy marriage myself and I kick myself in the but for not leaving. The only reason I havn't left, is because I have nowhere to go. I still love him and always will, but what we used to have together is long gone. When I do end up leaving, I will still be there for him if ever he needs me.....I hope this helps a little anyway.

Answer 11

Well...first off...why doesn't she work? How did she support herself before you? $450 a month isn't enough to live off of, so I'm wondering how she was supporting her kids before you can along? The fact that she has two children so close in age by two different men and isn't with either of their fathers and is now already in another relationship, indicates she may have some issues that she needs to work through. You really were taking on a lot by getting into this relationship, but that's what you chose to do. However, the children really aren't your responsibility, their hers. She needs to learn how to be responsible and support her children, not rely on someone else to do it for her. If you really don't want to be in the relationship, the longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Not only on you, but on the children as well. Each day that goes by they become more bonded with you. I think it is good you want to help her, but I think it sounds like she needs professional help at this point.
Fact is...you wouldn't be the first guy to leave her from the sounds of it. And if you leave...she will probably replace you the way she did the ones before.