What to expect and how to handle the pressure?

Question

Background: I moved in with my boyfriend and his daughter about 1 1/2 - maybe 2 years ago. Our current situation is he is working and I am going to school full time (he's paying for it). When I decided to move in when I did 'I' felt I needed to be involved with his daughter if I was going to be living with them, and in her life daily. As the years have rolled by though, and input from family and friends I wonder if I am expecting to much, and pressure from family and friends don't help.

So here is the deal. I get Satava (his daughter) ready for school, take her to school, pick her up from school, help her with homework, take her to and from karate, get her ready for bed, make dinner, clean the house, do laundry, take care of the dogs (both feeding & yard) not necessarily in that order about 90% of the time. AND go to school for 14 credit hours. (next semester will be 23 credit hours), and not to mention the homework…

When I quit working and he started having to work OT WE did make the arrangement for me to do the chores at home, since I wasn’t working. Where I am wondering if I should be expecting more is the responsibilities with Satava. It seems like he thinks just because he works and brings home money that after work he should be able to grab a beer, plop on the couch, BS with his buddies and then go to bed. While I’m left taking care of everything from 6am to 8pm when Satava goes to bed, then I have my own stuff to do. I tried telling him I would like him to help me with her but I get the “I’ll take care of it answer” but nothing happens. Or later if I get mad he says “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it”. But I don’t want a slave I want a partner. Everyone I know keeps telling me I’m being taken advantage of (mostly other women who are either single or stay at home moms).

He works 12-16 hour days, and usually works 2-3 or his days off. (he works shift work 5 days on, 5 days off etc). This is so he can afford all our bills, and put me through school. The biggest dilemma seems to be that Satava is not my daughter, me and him are not married. (sorry about the ranting). So the question is, from strangers who don’t know us so won’t pick sides, do you think this is a bad arrangement. I will admit that I get frustrated doing most of the parenting since I’m not Actually the parent, but its about compromise right?

Answer 1

I know what you are talking about . . . I heard about this from my friends, and have experience this myself.

You feel taken advantage of . . . am I correct. That he doesn't listen to you or at times hear you. Am I correct?

You do all this housework, you take care of a child who is not even yours, and you are not married, while he does nothing around the house.

Odds are he could feel the same ways . . . no don't get argumentative, hear me out. He goes to work, works over a dozen hours a day, commutes (most likely) maybe 1-2 hours a day. He deals with pressures and anxiety at work, from co-workers, clients, bosses, etc. Then he deals with idiots on the freeway. When he get home, he is exhausted both mentally and phsyically. And he gets a stupid attitude thinking, you've been home all day, what did you do?

Hold up, Hold up, don't get mad . . . I know that is the wrong. I am talking about perception . . . point of views. Your doing all this work around the house, taking care of his daughter, etc. and you feel unappreciated. He goes to work, pay the bills, utilities, food, cable, internet, education, rent, mortgage, car payments, etc. and he may feel, I am taking care of you, you should take care of me.

A relationship, especially the type you have . . . is similiar to a marriage. Married couples go through this, all the time I think.

What you need to do is talk about this with him. Calmly and rationally . . . .

Let me tell you something, guys . . . after a hard days work, get oblivious to what is going on around them at home. We seem to shut down, not intentionally . . . we just want to relax.

I am going to quote what you said in your additional information. "I tried telling him I would like him to help me with her but I get the 'I’ll take care of it answer' but nothing happens. Or later if I get mad he says 'Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it'. But I don’t want a slave I want a partner."

Do you see a problem? Most women won't (I am not being derogatory, just straight forward). Let me point out couple of phrases . . . "I tried telling him" or "If I get mad". Please . . . is the optimal word. I've been in relationships where women TELL me . . . "Lee, can you throw out the trash" "Lee, can you put away the laundry" "Lee, can you do this, do that, do the other." First you are telling what to do, and you are treating me like an idiot. I usually think, "Yes, I can, will I . . . I'll think about it," but usually "I'll get to it, in a moment." (If a man was doing this to a woman, feminist would classify it as Domestic Violence, mental abuse.) I've been in other relationships, where women ASK me . . . "Lee, would you please help me with the dishes" "Lee, would you please fold the laundry, or put away the laundry" "Lee, I need a little help, would you please . . . " The majority of the time, I get up off my *** and help. What was every child taught when they were young? Manners. Don't forget to say "Thank you" . . . we really appreciate this and makes us feel better. I am sorry, I know us guys have a bad habit of not saying thank you . . . appreciating the hard work you are doing.

As for getting mad at us, ask us, and we will help. Stop telling us . . . Sit, roll over, fetch, etc. and we will stop ignoring you. It is the same thing with gifts and presents with women, all these hints and innuendos . . . we are not mind readers. I would love to have that, for christmas, for my birthday . . . and point to it. You know how many times, I had the present thrown in my face because it wasn't what she wanted.

Thing is, I had a similiar problem with my beloved, (rest her soul), especially when I had one of my friends staying with us. My beloved had a problem in telling me what to do, and not asking. I ignored her. When my friend was helping out around the house and she ask me . . . please. I help. My wife got jealous, accused me and wanting to f* my best friend. (So let me clarify this with you so you don't jump to the same conclusion. I was a teenage runaway, her mother took me in off the streets.)

My wife didn't listen to what I was saying, so I set up camera and gave her documented proof after one month. My wife told me to do almost 100 things and asked politely twice. I help my wife less than a dozen times, but those two times she asked, I helped. My friends asked me to help a little over a dozen times, I helped. When I showed her the comprised collection of videos . . . she ended up apologizing for being rude to me. It didn't stop her from doing it . . . but she did try to make a better effort to ask, instead of tell.

As for his daughter, ask his daughter to go see him about homework, or a story, or to play once in a while.

And since you are not married, you are not obligated to stay with him . . . move out. Especially, if you don't like how he is treating you.

Answer 2

You sould not let him bose u around like that tell him to help u out a little more and tell him to make is daughter do some of the work to. Or at least bring up something about marage or say he needs to take a brake and u 1nce and a while.

Answer 3

THis is deeper then right and wrong hunnie. This comes down to your purpose in life. If your purpose is to love this man, deal with his crap, and make a life with him work. Then its on you to sell yourself short here. If you met more for yourself then to just be someones wife, well look else were. I could go INDEPTH about why this guys selling you short, but in the end, thats my opinion. What this comes down to is your own concious, your own purpose in life, and what your willing to tolerate. My opinion is this is unfair for you, because he is asking YOU to be part of his life, not the other way around. Plus he isn't a very compassinate guy. I love my father, but my father did the same thing, and it put a woman thru 16 years of heck only because he loved her, its about survival what your doing. Lets just put it this way, in your situation, I don't care how much college you take, you'll only ever be his wife, you can thrive by yourself in that situation, your ability to avance in your life will be completely dependent on him, for what reasons other then love? I'd think hard about this, my step-mothers got 16 years of neglect.....

Answer 4

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