Should I discuss with my husband?

Question

I'm considering getting a couple of new tattoos, and a few piercings. We have a good relationship, but he's not into body art like me. He doesn't dislike what I have already, he was against it at first, but now says he finds them sexy. I'm going to do it regardless, but don't want him to feel left out either. Should I just go ahead and surprise him, or tell him first? One of the piercings he will probably REALLY enjoy...LOL! And one of the tats will have his name inscribed along with our kids. The other tat has to do with my brother and sis. So, see, something for everybody!!! I'm an independant thinker, but have respect for his opinion as well.....just unsure of how to proceed. I know its my body to do with what I please, but he DOES have to look at it!!

Oh no no no, folks, we're totally solid,
He would stand by me even if he didn't like it. Obviously, I care deeply for him or I never would have posed the question. He's very even keeled, I just wanted to keep it that way. We share everything together, but this was ONCE a source of contention that has been most favorably resolved. Sometimes a surprise IS smoother, and sometimes NOT! LOL!! Trying to figure out which avenue is all..... If getting a tattoo without telling your spouse is grounds for divorce for some of these posters, then their marriages have MUCH bigger issues!!!! LMAO!!! Gawd, I'd HATE to be in THAT relationship!!!

EDIT: Baba, explain to me exactly how a tattoo makes you NOT an independant thinker? Our personal finances are nobody's business, and a couple hundred bucks is NOT going to break the bank if you MUST know. My hub and I don't dictate to each other what we can or can't spend, and allow ourselves indulgences when we feel like it, without having to get permission from the other. This wasn't a question about whether or not you approve off tats and piercings or not, btw. Mine ARE beautiful to me and to him (at least now, lol), so your opinion of tattoos in general matters NOT. Homage to my family on my body is an 'ego trip'? Explain THAT??? LMAO!!! I would loooove to see you say these things face to face to some of my buddies sporting full sleeves and multiple piercings. Boy, would they get a kick out of you!!! LOL!!!

Still laughing Baba. Wasn't looking for approval :)

Even though we're opposites somewhat Warren, I always respect and admire your answers. They are always thoughtful, with no trace of hatred or ambiguity. Peace to you my friend!

Answer 1

I like the balanced way you present this issue. You express genuine respect for your husband's feelings. Yet, you have profoundly deep respect for yourself and for your right to experience of the pleasure and satisfaction of your own artistic expressions. And, you also seem to have a reality-based grip on what's important in life and what's just a tat. When I was married, my similar issue was my hair. It's long and pretty, looks like my avatar's. My husband was crazy about my hair. Although I was always wanting to cut it and try new things with my appearances, I held off because my hair seemed more important to my husband than to me. In that case, in that covenant, it was meaningful and good to respect his wishes over my desires. But, I distinctly get the feeling, based on some law in my head that tells me you are partly so balanced because your husband and your covenant is mutually as balanced and balancing, that a piercing or two or a tat or two more won't really rock your husband's boat too much. The piercings and tattoos won't bother him nearly as much as being disregarded. So, focus more on keeping him informed about what your plans and visions are in these cosmetic changes rather than on seeking his approval and go-ahead. See what I mean?

Answer 2

Yeah, I gotta go with one of the other respondents and say that giving him a warning is probably a good idea - if you think it might upset him otherwise. But if he's become tolerant enough of your body art that a surprise won't turn into an awkward, angry, or frustrating situation, you could go the surprise route. I don't really understand the reasoning of people who are "against" body art and piercings unless they're of the mind that the "money could be spent in better ways" (but when you think about it, pretty much all the money we ever spend in our lives could be spent in "better" or "more responsible" ways). I think it's a pretty tremendous waste of time to be concerned about what everybody else is doing or not doing with the way they look; again, why do we want to judge people we don't know (or even people we do know) based on their appearance? Further, why do we care *at all*? It bothers me because deciding to "not like" something your partner does with his/her body so easily turns into a control issue, and I'm not at all OK with controlling overtones in relationships. There are many more serious and important things to worry about besides who's getting their nose pierced and a tattoo with their kids' names on it.

Ha. I eventually want to get one of those piercings that my partners will "really enjoy," too, so best luck with it! Awesome. Let me know how it turns out.

Answer 3

If I were you, I would talk to him about it just to make sure he felt included in the process and not somehow left out. Since he'll support you whatever you do, it might make him feel better/more included to be part of the process and to be able to go with you to get them done and all. If my partner were doing something like that, I would want to be go with them and all since it's a painful/important kind of process even if I didn't 100% love the idea.

Answer 4

its a partnership. how would you feel if he does the same thing or something similar (that you do not like) without telling you about it? If your answer is, it's his body and he is an adult, then there you go. If your answer is, i would be pissed that he did not give me a heads up, then you know what you have to do.
ultimately it is your life and your body and you are an adult. Just remember that he is also part of your life and tattoos and piercings may not be worth jeopardizing your relationship over

Answer 5

I'm probably not the best person to respond to your question as I have neither tattoos nor piercings. Nor have I any desire to get them.

My wife has pierced ears, of course, and some of my sons have tattoos--one has pierced ears.

Were I to get either a tattoo or piercings I would discuss them with my wife and if she preferred I didn't get them I would not get them. Her ears were pierced long before I met her, but if they weren't and she wanted them pierced I would not expect her to clear it with me. Any other piercings or tattoos I would like to discuss before she gets them.

Neither of us are likely to want or get them, but I expect to live a few more decades and one never knows what changes a few more years might bring.

What you choose to do and how you choose to approach it is between you and your husband. If I were in his place I would certainly want to discuss it with you and make my preferences or wishes known if I had them.

You are a mature person and I assume he is as well. I also assume the two of you have established your relationship including how and what you communicate. So you don't need MY advice to make the decision. It sounds like you are afraid he might say no.

So, were I you, (and I never could be) I would follow my heart. Do what you think is right and be fair to him.

Good luck.

Answer 6

You should tell him you are going to do it since you already have your mind made up but the polite thing to do is tell him before you do it tats cost money and are not cheap you are in a partnership and going vigilante is never a good way to go. he may not be mad at first but things like this have a way of festering

Answer 7

I would definitely give him a heads up...especially about the piercings because he may eventually get to enjoy them...but he has to wait the six weeks until they heal to do so. Any person in a committed relationship deserves to find out that activities they enjoy are going to have to go by the wayside for a period of time. As for his opinion on the tattoos...you can approach it like this:

"Hey babe (or whatever endearment you use), I'm looking for two new tattoos. One representing you and the kids, the other for my siblings. Want to help me pick out what they're going to look like?"

This phrasing asks for his opinion and his input, but lets him know from the very beginning that it's not a question of "will you/won't you".

Answer 8

yeah i think you should at least let him know befor hand because you are a couple and you shouldnt keep to much from each other. sometimes people dont entirly apreaciate certain suprises and coming home with tattoos is one of them. or atleast this is all that i know. i dont know anything really about your husband and he could be totally diffrent then my bro in law. and all of this is just my opinioin. you should still do as YOU see fit.

Answer 9

If you were truly an independent person, you wouldn't get another tattoo. Surely your family could find a better use for the money! Beauty is as beauty does, and putting his/the kids/bro/sis's names on your skin isn't it. Something for everybody, my butt. This is your own little ego trip. And because that is exactly what it is, why do you care whether you tell your husband or not? Choices have consequences.

ETA: Darlin', I really don't care if you approve or disapprove of my disapproval. Sporting a lot of tats looks ridiculous, and they are an ego trip. Bleah! And I guarantee you, anyplace where you and your freaky-looking friends hang out is not a place where I will be anywhere near. Enjoy them, tats and friends both. Eww.

Answer 10

Just realize that if you do what you want without talking it over with him then he has the right to do things you don't like without talking it over with you. Are you ok with that?