Should I Sacrifice My Happines For My Kids?

Question

I just don't feel the connection with my Significant other,,,
We are always at each others throat......we argue for almost every little minor detail ( laundry, house cleaning, money, who's wrong, who's right, ) I had it..

The only reason i haven't left its because of my kids..
don't want them to grow up without a father......
what do you suggest,,what would you do?

If i leave, How soon should I start dating?

My older son is very attached to me..
he goes everywhere i go and loves me to death, I have already sacrifice my personal life ( i dont have friends, i don't go out, i am 100% dedicated to my kids..

Answer 1

A touchy situation.

Your feelings reflect on your children.

If your not happy they will see that and it will hurt.

Again, you have a tough decision on your hands.

Answer 2

I think you have already made up your decision by the last question, "If i leave, How soon should I start dating?"

You have to be happy. One thing I have learned in many years of personal experience and having parents who got divorced after a very tense situation while they were married is that you have to be happy. If you are happy, your children will be more happy. Sometimes realtionships end, people grow apart and that is okay, but I think the biggest mistake you could make is to stay together for the children. If you are fighting all the time and arent very loving towards each other anymore, the children will pick up on that.

If you are happy, your children will be happy. Just make sure to that you have visitation rights. Dont disappear from your childrens lives, that would not be right for anyone, still be a loving father, just do it seperate from a marriage. Whether you are married or divorced you are still a parent. Do what is the best for your family. If you are happier seperated from your significant other, that is what you must do. Children can sense tension between you and your S.O. (significant other) and will therefore make them stressed/ angry/ left feeling guilty. You must be happy in life. Dont disappear from your childrens lives, make a decision that will help them, even if they dotn realize it at the moment. When parents are happy, children are more happy.

As far as dating, whenever seems right. I think it would be different for everyone.

Answer 3

I'm sure you've already gotten this answer, but as someone who's been there and done that... it is far better to show your kids what it means to live in a happy environment than to subject them to misery - even if you are really GREAT about hiding it from them, they will still pick up on the tension.

Keep in mind, that just because you leave your spouse, that doesn't mean you leave your kids. When my ex and I divorced, we worked out a 50/50 split - not exactly ideal, but the kids have us both and both of us are so much happier apart than we ever were together. Because of that, we are 1000x better at providing for our kids.

As far as dating, only you will know when you are ready. Maybe it will be right away, may it won't but I would suggest that you don't even introduce the next special someone until they've earned the right to meet your kids. For me, My (now) husband and I dated for almost a year before he met my kiddos... I didn't want them to get attached to someone without knowing that they were sticking around.

Answer 4

First of all, children are smart and sensitive. If you are stressed, fighting and miserable so are they. You are not doing your children any favors by staying in a bad relationship. Just because you and your husband get divorced does not change the fact that he is their father. In fact, some men are better father's after divorce because they are less stressed and angry.
Dating is a whole different issue. You need to take time to recover from the divorce, help your children adjust to the big change and also to review your relationship and see what mistakes were made, what the warning signs were and what you will do differently next time.
Also you don't want to bring people into the children's lives that may not be good people or that may not be around for long.
I say give yourself at least a year.

Answer 5

I can understand you not feeling a connection with your significant other if you are constantly fighting. I think both of you need to have a talk and ask each other if you want to save the relationship. If so,I then you both need to think seriously about some couple counseling in order to find a way to communicate better and solve your issues.Obviously your problems are too big for either of you to handle alone.Meanwhile,if you stay,under the present circumstances,
both of you are just damaging your children in that unhealthy enviornment.
Also,if you decide to bypass counseling as far as when to start dating again, I think you need to go for some individual counseling,if the only thing you can think of is when you can start dating again. I think you need time for yourself,and should try enjoying your own company for awhile. I feel even more sorry for your kids,if you have had a pattern of going from one relationship to another. I feel it is emotionally abusive to them.Children have feelings and it is not fair to have them become attached,and then suddenly have someone disappear from their life when things do not work out.

Answer 6

Sometimes it is best to get out of a situation like yours. It will actually hurt them more and make them grow up thinking that arguments, yelling and not being able to get along with each other, is acceptable. They don't have to grow up without you because I'm hoping that you will get joint custody and other visitation rights. If you do leave I wouldn't start dating right off the bat, because that will look like you were having an affair during the marriage. Maybe some dinners with a friend or co-worker but nothing more for awhile. Also explain to the children that when you do start dating, that your new friend will also be their friend. Don't let your children grow up in such a situation that you have described. Sounds like you deserve someone better. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

If you leave you should not date for at least a year and you should find out why this marriage failed--and don't lay everything at the feet of your spouse.

Or you could choose to stop arguing and start actually listening to your spouse and trying to work things out. Arguing people are rarely listening people and relationships don't work well when no one cares enough to listen. Maybe Marriage counseling would be a better choice.

Keep in mind that any relationship takes work so if you run away from this one expecting to meet someone tomorrow who will always give to you and never need anything from you then you're in for a lifetime of dissappointment.

Answer 8

I tried this, and believe me you and the kids will be better off and much happier.

I know it sucks, it realyl does. But it's either go through life being depressed, angry, upset 24/7 while the kids see and hear everything (believe me, no matter how hard you try, those little buggers are much more intuitive and attentive than you think)

I'm divorced, from my daughter's mom. I'm re-mairried, my life is so much happier. My daughter still lvoes the hell out of me and even my new wife. we still have a great time together. My daughter sees nothing but happiness from everyone, me and my wife, my X and her guy who lives with her. She was 3 when we split up. I don't thik she can even remember a time when me and the X were living together with her. She grew up with me and my new wife for the past 5 years so she's adapted to the situation.

The kids will still have a father. You just won't be with their mother.

Answer 9

It is an oxymoron to say you can sacrifice your happiness for your kids. Kids deserve to have parents who are happy, not parents who go through the motions of a false marriage that is empty at best and nasty at worst. If you are at each other's throats all the time, then your kids are not happy, despite how they may seem on the surface. And if you leave, your kids will still have a father. He may not be in their house every day, but he will be happy when they see him. Don't even think about dating yet. Give yourself time to heal.

Answer 10

studies show that while kids raised in a peaceful home with two parents do the best, kids raised in a peaceful one parent home do much better than kids raised in a home where parents are always fighting. you can still be there for your kids even if you leave, but you have to make sure that you do not continue to fight with your spouse/significant other. that has to stop. and no using the kids against each other.

as for how soon to start dating, you need time to heal, and find yourself, and your kids need time to see you as a single entity, and not a part of the couple. not to horribly long, maybe 2 years or so.

Answer 11

My parents tried that and I have a whole childhood of hearing fights. If it isn't working out then leave. Do you kids a favor - let them see their mother happy. Why would they grow up without a father? He won't see them if you move out with the kids? With the dating question - I think you will know when the right time is. I don't think there is a certain time frame to wait