Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and have a son together. We have sex all the time, it's fun and always something different. A few different times (once was even a few days after asking me to marry him) I have seen on the history that he was looking at porn. Even paying for it. When I asked him about it he lied and I had to show him what I had found then he eventually confessed. He continued to do it knowing it hurt me. I told him it would be ok if he just told me the truth. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I have low self esteem from him cheating on me a long time ago. I wonder why he would want to look at other women like that if he loves me. I feel like I am not good enough for him. He also claims that he has never masturbated while looking at it, I'm sure that's a lie as well.
2007-10-03 08:33:19 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm sorry, but I can't believe that people are answering saying that you should participate or be ok that he is looking at porn. My husband and I are going through the exact same problem. It has gone on now for 10 years. He knows that everytime I find it it makes me feel so bad about myself. As a matter of fact I am 9months pregnant and just found it again. Here I am at the lowest point of self esteem, and I have to find porn that he has looked at with girls that look much better than me! I understand that he doesn't asociate those women with me, but that doesn't change the fact of how bad it hurts me to find out he is looking. What hurts even worse is the fact that he lies about it. He told me about a year ago that he thought he was addicted. He would go months and not look at it, then one day he would start again. He says that everytime he looks at it he feels like crap and feels guilty for what he has done. He goes another week, and then there it is again! He even got to the point that he wanted me to lock the computer. This last time I found out that he would look at it while I was sitting on the couch in the same room after I would log on for him. I know without a doubt that my husband loves me, but when he lies to me about this and tells me "I promise I don't look at it anymore" It really makes it hard for me to trust anything he says. The fact is if pornography makes you feel bad about yourself then you should not have to put up with it. you shouldn't just let the fact that "every" guy looks at it be an excuse. It is not your problem, it is his. What scares me is the path that porn leads too. Every time I see that he has looked at something I feel betrayed. Once again he has lied. I also feel I'm not good enough, which makes me not want to be intimate with him. In turn he feels insecure about himself, which leads him back to porn. Because I feel I can't trust him I feel I have to look over his shoulder constantly. I get jelouse. I do not like being this person! Therefore, I am not happy. It may not be SO bad that he looks at porn, but it is the feelings and consequences that follow that I am afraid will eventually ruin my marraige. This is something we are trying hard to overcome. It may seem silly to others, but we do not want this for our marraige.
2007-10-03 09:06:51 · answer #1 · answered by honeypea_99 1 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I am in the same situation. I feel ugly and useless and feel as though I am not worth it. My boyfriend has lied to me alot about these things and I am to the point where I can not take this anymore. I feel as though if a man loves you and claims he does and you are being intimate with him, then why does he need to buy porn and masterbate to it and lust when he has love in his life. I cry about this all the time...I cannot stand the fact that my man would do something to me like this. You do not have a problem..it is him who is being unfaithful and once again cheating on you but in his heart and mind...i have low self esteem because my bf cheated on me twice and constantly looks at other women...I pray that things will get better but I stand here in this relationship looking stupid because i love him with all my heart. I guess they are right when LOVE is BLIND..cause I really think I have the problem but I am learning that it is him who needs to make a desicion me and my love or lustful, cheating in the heart, pornographic images all the time love...I am still waiting to see a change...I hope you will make the right secision and let him know taht this not love a t all...God Bless.
2007-10-03 11:34:26 · answer #2 · answered by old 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yea... you know that last part is a lie. He is definitely masturbates while watching it, why wouldn't he? Men like porn. Period. There is not a thing we can do about that. What you need to do is talk to your boyfriend about it and compromise! Tell him how you feel, hear how he feels and come to a happy medium. Although, I don't like the fact that he lies about it. If he's lying to you about something as small as porn, what else is he lying to you about? He lied you to in the past about cheating on you. Seems to me like this guy has a history of lying and what kind of relationship is full of lies!? I know this situation seems small... its just the Internet, but ask yourself what other problems this may lead to. Look at the picture as a whole... not by certain situations! Just tell him how you feel and ask him to respect the way you feel. A relationship is a two-way street. Compromise! And don't put up with lies, let him know straight up that lying is unacceptable!!! I hope it all works out!
2007-10-03 08:51:23 · answer #3 · answered by sweetpea5499 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Because he doesn't know how to satisfy you. If he has to watch porn and use mother thumb and her four daughters then there is something wrong with him. High sex drive ny foot he doesn't know the difference between sex and lovemaking. Be honest with yourself what do you feel when this guy has sex with you. My female ( married friends ) have let it out of the bag they say there is his time and there is my time but there isn't our time. So there really isn't a intimate side of you two. You have some strong resentment and it may be like making love to the dead. He lives in a dream world he spanks the monkey that he can handle you he can't. Damn you must be frustrated. He knew i was quite peed off at it as he was going he told me that he clicked on the video watched it for a bit then paused the video as she looked like me and just thought of me while doing it! which i don't really believe. No one would believe that. Could be instilled by the old man, be a man, etc,etc. They can't surrender to the tenderness, caressing and holding it takes to make a lady feel wanted and loved.
2016-04-07 02:12:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't blame your boy friend for your low self esteem, that is a cop out. If you are feeling that way then it is up to you to fix it.
As far as him looking at porn, that is natural and I would estimate that about 85% or higher of men look at or have looked at porn at some time during their married life. Men are naturally curious about different things. You say that you have a good sex life because it is fun and always something different. How do you think he learned to do different things?? What bothers you more, the fact that he is looking or the fact that he is paying to look? There are a lot of sites out there where he can see just about anything that he wants for nothing, would that make it better?
He got pretty defensive when you approached him about this, because I am sure that you didn't do it in a calm rational way, my guess is by the sound of your note, that you "confronted" him and made him feel like a real pervert.
If it really bothers you, sit down with him and tell him why. But before you do that, you need to make sure that you know the real reason yourself. Telling him that it gives you self esteem problems is not a real reason. Ask to see the sites that he is going too. Maybe he is going to sites that extremely turn him on, (home made movies, anal sex) and he is thinking that he would like to try some of this, but doesn't know if you will agree, or you may have already turned him down when he asked you to try it.
Women forget that they have all kinds of different magazines that they can read about, friends that they can talk too, and groups where they can discuss different things that are bother them. Men don't have them and for most, we relieve a lot of frustration through sex or the thought of having sex or by watching it. We don't really like "talking about how we feel."
2007-10-03 08:59:16 · answer #5 · answered by Bob D 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Many people do not agree, but porn is a form of cheating, because it is fantasizing about something that not's yours. There's no way he's not pleasing himself unless he likes to be in extreme pain every time he looks at it. You need to talk about it some more with him. He is probably not looking at it due to anything wrong with you. For most men, it is a lust issue. Every adult should have self control and respect if they're going to be in a relationship. My husband and I (along with numerous studies) agree that this is damaging to relationships, and so we have an internet filter. Both he and I have a great prayer life and go to church, which also helps us to maintain a high level respect for each other and lessens the need for outside fulfillment. You have some thinking to do it sounds like.
2007-10-03 10:19:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Men just look at porn, if they are horny they look at it, if they are bored they look at it. Having said that, you situation is a bit different, because he has cheated on you once. There is some trust issues that need to be worked out between the two of you. And his lying about it is further damaging the trust. You both need to sit down and talk about your issues, you might not slove them all, but at least work towards it. Maybe you might let him watch porn if he did not lie about it and did not have to pay for it. Also he needs to make you and your child first preference in his life. something like that....
2007-10-03 08:42:13 · answer #7 · answered by jimmy.parker06 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Normally my view on women who are 100% against the idea of men looking at porn the women are the ones who have serious hang ups about sex.
But in your case you might be right. Only because he is lying about it, which is a much bigger problem for the relationship than porn.
And yeah any guy who watches porn masturbates to it, saying he doesn't is like guy's buy playboy for the articles.
2007-10-03 08:41:29 · answer #8 · answered by Leonardo 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
The only thing wrong is that you take it personal. He's a different animal than you and recreates how he recreates. He probably doesn't compare you to what he watches or your sex life wouldn't be so healthy. He could be doing much worse stuff; such as cheating on you another time. Your self-esteem should be much improved if things are as good as you feel they are.
2007-10-03 08:45:56 · answer #9 · answered by Steven B 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
well the fact that hes cheated on you all ready gives you lots of reasons to be insecure and not trust him, i can understand a little porn from guys sometimes, but when you pay for it, then i think there is something weird about it, plus if you too have a great sex life. he may just be a cheater at heart, and the only way he can controll his urge from cheating on you, is to look at porn instead, but i dont know, you will have to work it out.
2007-10-03 08:48:53 · answer #10 · answered by yowuzup 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋