Im starting to hate my husband?

Question

When my husband is stressed out from work or upset for anything he picks a fight with me over dumb stuff. Im really starting to hate him for it. Weve had many conversations where i tell him about what he is doing and he acknowledges it but nothing has changed. I try not to fight back but he knows what buttons to push so i kinda cant avoid getting fired up. What can i do, please help me.

Janini: Exactly!!!! If im in a bad mood he throws a fit!!! Then he tells me " well now im in a bad mood"

*****But the things that he picks at me about are things he knows im sensitive about so i cant help but react.

Answer 1

I agree with CC, I think you should ignore his comments to you as much as possible. He could be taking it out on you because he knows he can. Maybe he can't or won't with work situations and that's where you come in. He needs to let it out somewhere but he isn't doing it the right way. He needs to learn to deal with it in a different way. Try not to feed his bad habits and eventually he'll see it doesn't work and also I recommend counseling. In my opinion men don't really listen to their wives advice but will sadly respect a professionals before your own. Good luck!

Answer 2

He is "venting".

As a man, frustrated by work, he is deeply hungry for a battle won. Thats your fights. Venting is like sexual self-stimulation for men, a pathetic imitation that yields a short term solution and a long-term dysfunction.

You could get him another cheap victory source like an x-box, or something. He can go shoot bad guys and feel victorious, only he is going to pour a lot of time into it because he needs to feel victorious.

You could increase the cost associated with him using you as an emotional punching bag. There is a timing. Its like a period, only the timing varies. Track the frequency, and you can quickly discern the pattern, and predict the next occurence. Communicate the cost long before he incurs it, and every time you have this kind of fight raise the price. Eventually the cost will become large enough that he will go elsewhere for his venting.

Really though, you should get serious counseling. Most jobs have free psychologist support. The shrink is required by law to not disclose anything to the boss (patient doctor privilege) . He might be a lot better at suggesting functional, marriage maintaining strategies.

EDIT: Several 12 step programs use the phrase "HALT" to indicate vulnerable times. HALT stands for "H"ungry, "A"ngry, "L"onely, "T"ired. Its likely that when he comes home is angry, hungry, and tired.

You could work, so he can get a different job without all the stress.

Answer 3

That's a hard one. My husband tends to do the same thing. When he's had a hard day at work, I try not to say too much because he feeds off whatever I say. I just go home, make dinner, serve him dinner (he likes it when I do this), and eat with him. Usually after he's eaten, he's a little bit better.

My suggestion is that you find out what your husband likes and what calms him down when he's stressed or upset. Then, when he comes home all uptight, do those things that he likes. If, in the process, he makes you angry or fired up, take a little walk, even if it's just to the mailbox. It sucks that we have to walk on eggshells sometimes, but it beats the alternative, a fight.

Answer 4

Well if your making threat everyday they become idle. Which means they have no validity. So after awhile he will tune it out. Everyone speaks a different language of love. Men usually speak the language of the provider. He may think that because he is working & paying the bills that you all should just know he loves you. But women we generally speak the language of touch love - which means we know & feel love through intimacy with our families - playing with our kids, hugging & snuggling with eachother etc. Maybe in his past something happened that is impeeding his ability to connect. Changing family dynamics can be very hard to navigate & I would seek out some community resources. Look under children's services & you can probably find some organizations that has parenting classes, couple classes & even playgroups etc. These places are filled with wonderful families who are trying to do the best for their families. Most non-profit places are free of charge & usually provide transportation. His current reactions can alter how your children interpret adult relationships which is sad. The 4 year old will always believe now this is how it should be. When we are born our brains are mush - everyday our brains grow harder & harder until they are actually hard wired. At the age of 5 we are who we are with little flexibility. Ask your husband if he'd like things to go smoother? (He should say yes) & then bring up the idea of seeking out some family services. We base our parenting largely on how we were parented. And even though somtimes we swear we won't be like our parents we usually are because it is what we know. Family services like that can give you alternate ways to approach relationships, problems, fights, and even lend supports as needed. Plus they can be a lot of fun & you can make some great friends who are going through similar situations. Hate is a very strong word & you should look inside as well. Yes your husband is doing something that is not what you want but your emotions are your emotions. We choose our reactions to situations - & yes it is hard & yes it can be done. Physiologically emotions only 'happen' to us for 7 seconds then they disapate. It is our thought patterns that are recycling the same thoughts over & over that continue the negative feelings inside. What he does cannot be controlled by you - you can only control you & your actions. Lead by example for your children. If he's upset, disconnected & angry - that is completely on him - it belongs to him not you. And when you are angry & react that is on you. Instead of fighting everyday when the emtotion is first felt you should be conscious of pressing that pause button & choose your next action instead of it choosing you. Good Luck & Take Care.

Answer 5

sorry to hear that.. That sounds realy bad.. but at least you are looking for options instead of giving up.. again bring it to his attention.. and seek counseling? Tell him is ok to be mad or stressed from wrk but instead of picking a fight with you .. he should look for confort.. Hope u guys can work it out.. wish u the best.

Answer 6

Either leave are keep putting up with it until you're tired. Hell, if it was me I'd cuss him out everytime he thinks he's in a bad mood. I'd show him bad mood. **** give him a taste of his own medicine for a month or so.

Answer 7

Welcome to the Club. I have tried to kick my husband out so many times but he won't leave and there is no way I'm giving up the house. Right now I grin and bare it. When my youngest starts school full-time I plan to go back to work full-time. If my health permits my plan is to kick him to the curb. Can't tell you how many times I've gone on the internet and looked up divorce lawyers. I've packed his bags and told him to leave but the guy won't budge. He wants me do be the one to leave. So he can call me an unfit mother. He tells me he will use my past family history and my mental illness to take them from me. Sick isn't it.

Answer 8

Well, simple thing is he needs to "leave it at the door". that's the hardest thing to do. if he can't, then you need to tell him to get a new job where the stress is less or you both need to go to counseling. He needs an outlet. ya know, going to a gym for a workout usually takes the steam outta ya. might wanna look into that. Other than that, its not goin to be fun.

Answer 9

You need to get into counseling as soon as possible, if he won't go, go alone. Try to get the help before the situation becomes unrepairable. Try to remember the things you love about him, and not dwell too much on the bad things. But, get help!!

Answer 10

YUP, heneeds to go the Anger Management school, of Bobbie Knight&Tony Stewart! It helped them!!