Why does my man need a female to be best friends with?

Question

We've been married 18 yrs, he's cheated on me, and expects me to accept him having a female best friend? What's more is that it happens to be someone I went to high school with. I have intercepted some of their phone calls and emails, and it's all still a huge secret. Yet, I'm supposed to accept them being together every wednesday night. and other times when conveinent. I know my marriage is over, and cant flip a switch ater 25 yrs together (18 married). He knows it hurts me, and bothers me for him to be with her, but he doesnt seem to care and does it anyway. I think he is lying to himself. that they arent just friends. It's showing in his actions to be alot more. This is fun to explain to our 15 yr old son too. I am at wits end, I've hit rock bottom. Neither him or I have gotten a job since may, but I've been trying alot, and then came down with pinched nerve in back down my leg, and cant represent myself in an interview very good. I'm so stuck. we are both in mid 40's.

Answer 1

tell him you want a divorce...this is way beyond saving! you need to get yourself together and get a job asap and start saving your money to get out of this situation. As for your son, if he wants explanations, turn to his father and ask him to please explain.

Answer 2

You are in quite a rut. Here's the sick truth:
1) It's difficult to focus on getting a job or feeling better due to pinched nerve with all that's going on. (You're going to have to "steal" yourself and do what needs to be done to fix both these things.)
2) This high school friend of your's is not being much of a friend, or a help. (You need to tell her so and tell her if she respects your marriage, to get out of the picture.)
3) This man is doing you and your marriage and family a disservice. The reason he's found an 'emotional friend' is for several reasons and here they are:
a) Men need their egos stroked and to receive validation just as much if not more than women do.
b) Everyone has a confidant. When you are married, it's supposed to be your spouse. You have been married a very long time. With the stresses of daily life and considering the time you've been together, he feels he needs someone different with whom to discuss these things.
You have expressed your feelings to him about these things and explained the repercussions. If you want him to stop, you will have to make it clear that you will leave him if he does not. (Even if you don't plan to.) You will also have to become his confidant again. You can do this by explaining your wishes to do so and listening to him without judgement about absolutely anything he wants to discuss. You will also not be able to nag him, remind him of the bills, go over the grocery budget. These are things the other woman is not doing. She is listening and comforting him and complimenting him and making him feel he meets and fulfills all of her needs. It's been documented that men stray primarily when they think they either don't or cannot meet your needs. It's a pain when they don't meet them and you have to make them feel that they can meet them. I know it's sad but it's the truth. You are going to have to tell him that you don't want to begrudge him a friend but that you would like to be fulfilling that part of his life. Then you're going to have to do it. It's going to take alot of work on your part, too. What about your needs, right? Well, if you want to save your marriage and get this woman out of the picture, you will have to do these things or else once she's out of the picture, he will find another to take her place. I know this will be a hard road for you and I wish you the best of luck. I personally would find it much easier to leave him.

Answer 3

I agree with Shivers...it's time to end this and move on. He isn't bringing anything into the relationship anyway...what are you missing really? He's not supportive, he's cheated, he has no money, he doesn't care about your feelings, he's not communicating....I could go on but I think you get the idea. Because I don't know all the pros and cons of your relationship...why don't you go ahead and make a list. Maybe theres hope for counseling before divorcing, but if my husband cheated on me, and didn't try to fix our marriage or at least put forth an effort to make things work, I'd be divorcing his sorry ***. Good luck and when you try to explain to your son whats going on, try not to badmouth the Father. He may still be a good Father.

Also, my husband has lots of female friends, but I know all of them and they are my friends too. My husband doesn't have a girl friend unless I get introduced to her and get to know her too. He shouldn't be secretive and hiding any "friends" from you.

Answer 4

Get off of your lazy *** and get a damn job! Pinched nerve huh? I cannot stand when people in society come up with lame excuses not to work. People do it everyday, take a motrin, go to the doctor...I bet you sit at home and collect unemployment. Since may you haven't had a job?????? I bet you have gone out, or bought new things...it's time to grow up. I am only 22 and I have two jobs and attend school full time so that one day I don't end up becoming like you. Forget about your problems with your loser husband...JUST LEAVE! I cannot stand when women pull the victim card as if he has you bolted to the floor with a ball and chain...get your lazy bottom up, get a job, make your own living, and you will see that you will be ok not having a piece of poop like your husband in your life!

Answer 5

It is obvious your marriage is in deep trouble. Just by your husband to continue seeing this so called best friend in spite of how you feel, shows a breakdown in how he does not care about your feelings. Unless he has always been this way, this is usually a sign meaning it is over, or he has come to take you as a pushover who puts up with this type of behaviour. Something tells me this is not the first tiime he has done something similar to this and you still stayed with him. Just know, you teach people how to treat you. He already has told you that no matter what he will not give up his friendship with her. He challenged you by saying this to you and you did not take the challenge. You showed him that you have no other option but to accept this. You first have to take the blinders off and stop letting him fool you into thinking he and her are only best friends, there is more to this relationship than he is telling you. You sound defeated and resolved in accepting your situation by saying you have no way out. Let your pride take over and trust me you will find a way out if you really wanted to. Work on yourself and your financial situation. Start planning your way out of this marriage, take it one step at a time. Don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help. Set an example for your son by showing him your strength not your weakness. Best of luck to you!

Answer 6

I would tell him, it is me or her. He has to cut all contact with her or divorce him. Really, he is so disrespecting you. His head must be so big he can hardly get through his swinging door between the two of you. As a married man he has no business having a best friend of the opposite sex. He is cheating on you big time. He is not lying to himself about their relationship status, he is lying to you.

Talk to a divorce lawyer, don't let him touch you. He might have already given you a deadly disease. You don't have to accept him being with her at all. Have some respect for yourself and stand up to him. He is a dog. He is getting his cake and eating it too. Have some courage and don't let this keep happening to you. You are not stuck. Get legal advise and find out how you can divorce this guy. Don't give in so easily.

He doesn't care about you, or he would never dream of doing this to you. You have to accept that. Then you have to start moving on with your own life without him! You are too valuable to be treated this way. He is setting a lousy example for your child too. You need to set a better example by not letting him do this to you any longer.

I had back surgery for two ruptured disks, have the doctor do a MRI and find out what's up with your back. This pain can be really awful. It got where I couldn't walk. The pain was constant like a bad cramp that never eased up. Thankful that I had the surgery. So go get that looked at. Make the doctors find out if you have a ruptured disk or bulging one. If you don't have insurance, go to a county hospital, they will treat you regardless of your ability to pay. You might can get on SSI if your back is really bad. Divorce that awful guy you are with and get on with your life.

Answer 7

Your main issue is that you don't have the financial stability to get rid of this man. Get some help with your interview techniques and find a decent job.

25 years is a long time, but, honestly, do you really need any more emotional pain from this man? You deserve to have a life free of all this kind of intrigue and disrespect.

Answer 8

A pinched nerve is just an excuse to not get a job, you need to realize that first before you do anything. If he's not working either then what's the problem? It's obviously not his money you need. File for a divorce, custody of your child. Good luck.

Answer 9

I am the only female best friend my husband will have. There is no need for anyone else. The day he comes home with a female BFF is the day he finds his bags packed and on the porch. There is only room for one woman in my household and that is me. If you accept anything else, you deserve the unhappiness that will follow. Your hubby is screwing around on you. Why are you hanging on to this jobless womanizer?

Answer 10

Your husband is a liar and a cheat....Only a friend? My *ss!! He has ZERO respect for you and your marriage....any person that is married doesn't NEED a best friend of the opposite sex......I know that you feel helpless and hopeless at the moment.....but you need to get out of this relationship....You deserve much better and so does your son....By settling for this....you are losing yourself...losing your self esteem and self respect. Get yourself well....and work on getting away from this man.

Answer 11

I have trouble answering questions like this...because your last statement leads me to believe you are looking for a pity party. You don't like it, and you know your marriage is over....THEN YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO MAKE THE CHANGES HAPPEN THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY. Instead of making excuses of why you can't. There is such a thing as free will.
And trust me I know how hard it can be...but if you really want it you'll do it.