I feel as though I may want to leave my husband but I don't know how I would survive?

Question

We are supposed to be moving to the desert as a family in January because my husband got a high paying job there. I realise that by moving to the desert for his career I am throwing away years of my life with my friends and family. He is starting to sound a bit controlling and telling me what I need to do and what is going to happen and how he will not be compromising on certain things (having more kids etc) and I am freaking out that he is going to control my life if I stay with him. I don't like the idea of staying in our home town and being a single parent, how will I afford house payments? My daughter will have to go to day care so I can work. I am so scared of not being well-off financially and I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just getting cold feet but I really am scared to go with him. Please give me some advice and am I right to be scared of being a single parent?

Greg - If I sound immature that is because I am 22

I said "I feel as though I MAY want to leave my husband" not that I am going to do it, I am just thinking about it at this very moment. His behaviour is changing and I am scared it will get worse. How am I being selfish that I don't want to end up in an abusive relationship? I do have a business of my own which I can earn enough money to survive BUT I cannot do it properly without childcare and I don't want to put my daughter in childcare. Why do I bother asking these questions when all some people want to do is insult me, crikey!

When I said throwing away years of my life I am not referring to family and friends, they are not my main concern, I am referring to career and education, both things that I would like to start on before I've been out of it for too long.

Answer 1

apparently greg wasn't raised to use manners-ignore him, he's a jerk.

i am a single parent of THREE (yes i said three) daughters. they ALL go to private school and are wonderful children. i've never had a behavior issue with any of them, they are well liked (we get a ton of compliments whenever we are out b/c of how well they behave), and they know right from wrong.

i was scared just like you after my 2nd marriage-he was controlling and abusive. i found out right before i left him that he had also picked up a nasty substance abuse habit. i feared for my children and how i would support us all but the fear of him harming me or one of my kids was worse-so i got out.

i now own my own home, drive a PAID FOR lexus, my kids attend private school, i have a high paying job (and health insurance)and best of all-I'M HAPPY!!! my bf (who i've been dating for 3 years) is still amazed by my success to this day.

you can do this. if you're having fears about him now-imagine how bad it will be once you move away from the only support system you have-YOUR FAMILY. don't wait another minute.

there are a ton of programs out there for single parents. check with state social services dpt in your state about getting free healthcare,daycare for your daughter while you work, can assist you with free groceries and housing if needed.

don't let anyone tell you that just b/c you're a single mom-you can't make it. i'm living proof that you can!!

Answer 2

Yours is a very common problem. If you really want to leave, you will have to find a suitable day care for your daughter and go to work. He will have to pay child support. The older your child gets, the harder it'll be for you to leave until the child is at least 15 or so and understands what's going on. Many couples stay together and play theater for their children, pretending to be a happy family while the foundations are eroded and they have affairs on the side, become closet alcoholics, etc. Then, after the children are grown, they split up. I think that amounts to living a lie and it takes away the opportunity to meet another person that may be more suitable.

I get the feeling that you don't really love your husband anymore. Ask yourself whether you're prepared to spend the next 10+ years with him. There are so many people who raise their children alone and they all survive. Some do well, some don't. It all depends on you really. Also, what's better for the child. Is it better for a child to be raised in a one-parent household or to live with both parents where there's constant tension and maybe fighting going on? If you feel your marriage is over, draw a line and get out now while you're still young. My mother used to say: it's better to have a horrible end, than horror without end.

Answer 3

Wow, why did you even marry this guy? It sounds like you have a zero relationship going on here as it is. Was this some kind of forced marriage or something? You married this guy for better or for worse. You are a mother and I don't care how old you are, you are being selfish and thinking only of yourself. How could you even bring a child into such a farce of a marriage?

If you don't love the guy, then leave him. But take responsibility for something once in your life. You have a daughter and you will be seriously hurting her because of your immaturity. I don't care if you are 22, your thinking is really screwed up here and it sounds like you don't have much of a marriage as it is. Either decide to grow up and make it work or leave. You will have to work at whatever menial job you can find obviously because you have no education or money or anything, so be prepared for a long tough road ahead either way.

Answer 4

on your long remark you hit particularly some issues for us to think of approximately. which you're married, in school, as quickly as did paintings, your husband is or grow to be protection rigidity, which you're blind. seems to me that the protection rigidity are doing each thing they are able to to maintain couples mutually, that's one element i understand. and that i understand that persons in this undesirable economic device are staying mutually longer via thick and skinny even however they have problems and do unlike one yet another, that they are purely being smart. Having a "roommate" isn't that undesirable in case you may stay inexpensively that way. I additionally understand that till a woman has had babies then there is no alimony, and additionally you probably did not point out any babies. I additionally understand that if someone is able to paintings and has a job (who knows of once you will get one because of the undesirable economic device) that there back no alimony is given in a divorce. yet i don't understand what words your criminal professional will use in courtroom to alter that regulation. I have not have been given any theory in any respect what the protection rigidity coverage will pay or whether they are going to pay a divorced companion without babies. I cook dinner particularly some television dinners and there are not particularly some instructions on them. many times a meal is cooked approximately 11 minutes. yet you may positioned it in there and then gently touch the real of the middle of the meal to make certain if that's nevertheless frozen or not so i don't understand your criticism. in case you won't be able to make certain and function mail come to then you definately ask everyone to digital mail you truly. There are reader courses accessible that may examine to you. Get one. in case you have subject seeing dirt then call an business enterprise to bathe your place for you once or twice a month or greater in the experience that your husband can arise with the money for it. Pop some multi-supplements and spot if that makes you sense calmer.

Answer 5

Your cold feet are justified. Any change of plans can make you evaluate your life and your situation. When I was 20, I was a single mother with a new baby and no foreseeable future. I married an older doctor. He soon after told me were moving to another country, Dubai, UAE. There went my plans for living even somewhat near my friends and family, let alone in the same country not to mention putting my education on hold. I was scared to death. But you go where your husband goes. Your husband is probably being controlling on this issue because he's worried he might loose you and the baby, otherwise. We went to this strange new country. It was a real culture shock but I wouldn't change that time I spent there for the world. You will make friends and some may be in your situation, too. For the first months I stayed at home and allowed myself to be afraid. Learn from me and don't do this. Take this as a learning experience and an opportunity. Your husband will be busy but he's your husband and he is right now reacting only to your frustrations. He probably really wants to please you and do the best by his new family. Whether you're going abroad or moving somewhere not so far, you will find other women to befriend and children for your little one to play with. There were women's groups, church groups, etc. where I went. You will find activities, hobbies, educational experiences and life experiences during this move you wouldn't otherwise have a chance to enjoy. If you stay behind, you will be fine on your own but you also run the risk of harming your marriage. This move in your husband's eyes is his doing well by his family and his seemingly controlling behavoir is his way of expressing hurt and fear that you're not 100% behind him. If your husband is from a different culture and belief system, I'd proceed with caution only because I've heard of foreign men taking their families to other countries and never allowing them to return. But if you and your husband are from similar backgrounds and this is a job he got with intent to do well by you, I say go with him and make the best of it because you will be so glad you did.

Answer 6

I was married for 16 years and new to this country, no family and all. However, my husband was very controling, cheated on me many times so I made the biggest decision in my life- I divorced him. It was very hard at first, with 3 kids and being a single mom. But I made it through, and if I can make it, you will too. You have a family here whom you can go to, I don't. Why stay in a relationship where you're not happy? You can get a job and he will pay for child support.
It's still hard for me but I am happier now than when I was with him. You'll make it, don't worry. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Answer 7

First, you should never be scared of being a single parent. God forbid if he was to leave this earth then what would you do. If this is something that you are unsure about and really don't want to go then I would not go. You have 3 months to find you a decent job, affordable housing and a day care provider who is inexpensive. It will be hard for a while until you know that you can make it without him regardless of the circumstances. You have to be happy and comfortable for you and not for him. Think long and hard before you make that decision. If your friends and family are true to their name then they will be there to help you when you really need them.

Take care and good luck.

Answer 8

I don't see how he is trying to control you, but it does sound like you're just scared to move.
And what do you mean "throwing away years of my life"? You're only 22! You need to start growing up and get a grip. Those people will still be your family and friends (if they're true friends) and you'll make new friends after you move.

And have you even paused a moment to think he might be scared too? I doubt it, but I bet he is and that's why you think he's changing.

Answer 9

My first husband was controlling, and I made the mistake of thinking that I had to stay with him because I had made the decision to marry him. Soon after moving away from all my friends and family, he started limiting my phone calls, checking the milage on my car when I went to the grocery store, accusing me of sleeping with the old man next door (yuk), cheating on him with anyone I said "hi" to. Then the beatings started. I didn't even leave him when he threatened me with a gun, because I had married him "for better or worse" - but I did leave the first time he beat my 2 year old son for not being able to tie his own shoes. What I found is that most communities have a tremendous amount of resources available for single parents (both men and women) and that my family and friends had been PRAYING I would leave him. I almost went back because it is so very hard to try to make it financially - especially in those first few months. But when he started parking outside my apartment and watching me through binoculars and making threatening phone calls, I got a restraining order instead.

It has been 12 years, and I am now happily remarried to a man who respects and honors me and our relationship enough to discuss our family's needs and future, not demand. If your husband is being controlling and won't discuss issues, you may be in for some nasty surprises if you go with him. On the other hand, maybe he is just nervous about the move himself and this is his way of dealing with it. Try to have a conversation with him about it using an "I" statement, like "Honey, I feel like I am not part of this decision, and I am very nervous about moving so far away from my family as it is" - being non-accusatory sometimes opens lines of communication, but watch out for any further signs of control, and if he hits you, take your children and RUN!

Answer 10

everybody is nervous or scared of starting over but you need to give it a chance and see how you like it in the desert and being a single mom isnt easy and no you wont be well off you will be just getting by and youre child will suffer through this so you need to consider them before making a harsh decision and youre husband is wonting to move to make a better life for yall its nothing wrong with that stand by him and make it work for yall good luck