I'm so confused.....advice please?

Question

I need some serious advice here.....Okay I've been married for 3 years now. (I got married at 19) We.ve been together all together for 8 yrs off and on. Well, I've always been a very faithful person, I NEVER cheated, even when I found out he did. (before we were married) For awhile we've had some serious problems and I'm not happy at all....im plum miserable. I love my husband, I'm just not in love with him....he's still utterly in love with me and he knows that I'm unhappy.....here lately I haven't been faithful, it was mostly just kisses until last weekend, I went home with someone after a night out at the club....one of his friends actually, I CAN'T tell my husband because he has a very serious angry problem and I know he would hurt me, the sad part is....I don't even feel guilty. I don't know what to do.....I have this guy that would do anything in the world for me and I can't even stand to be around him

Answer 1

You say you don't feel guilty. I think you should.

Answer 2

You were definitely married too early. The truth will always come out after you are married. He was suppose to be just your boyfriend, not the man that you would spend the rest of your life with till death do you part. You still have so much to do, before you're ready to settle down. A perfect example is the way you are feeling and what you are doing right now. Your desire to still meet different men is there, because you were too young!

It's really sad, but you don't love him and you will eventually end up in divorce. You cannot cheat on eachother and expect it to go away. It's going to get worse.

My opinion would be, instead of wasting more time tell him that you do not feel that this was the right decision to make and maybe you need to separate to see if what you're feeling is true. Don't ignore what you are feeling and never let him know about the other guy. Good Luck

Answer 3

Do you have any children? Have you thought about how your marriage/divorce might affect them?
You went home with a guy from a nightclub? You should go to the doctor and be tested for STDs before having relations with your husband.
Marriage is about more than just feeling "in love" or not. You both made a commitment and likely signed a contract with the state; your marriage license. Marriage is hard work. Do you really want to start all over with someone else? Once you learn to quit at marriage the first time; it'll be easier to call it quits again in the future.
People seem to not understand that all marriage relationships have seasons of connection and disconnect. Couples need to work and nurture the relationship if they expect their marriage to grow and be strong. It can be very tiring at times, but overall it should be the most rewarding relationship of one's lifetime.
If you want to honor your commitment and save your marriage; get marriage counseling. There has to be reason why you married your husband in the first place. It IS possible to heal these wounds and be "in-love" with your husband again. The choice is yours.

Answer 4

I think you and your husband should just sit down and try to talk out your problems. If you are sure that you don't love your husband instead of cheating, you need to move on. It sounds as if maybe you are bored in this relationship.? Or maybe you don't know what you want in a marriage. Marriage is a 2 way street, there is a lot of compromising that has to be done. Its a job to keep a marriage happy. And no 2 people are happy all the time. There is alot of ups and downs in life. If he is good to you and a good provider and you don't fight, you and he need to learn how to communicate with each other and discuss your likes and dislikes and decide how to improve your relationship in other areas. You need to decide if your marriage is worth saving. Good luck! Hope you find what it is that your looking for.

Answer 5

If you really feel you're not happy around him, then something's not right. You're just 21, all life's ahead. But imagine how much you'll be sorry for the wasted years of your life when you get older (i mean if you stay with him). I don't think you should just leave him and burn the bridge though. 3 years is quite a long time and maybe you are just going through a stage where you are not sure if you are meant to be. First off try talking to him, maybe you should try and have some time off from each other if you decide it's fixable. The decision is yours anyway, but trust your feelings, if it doesn't feel right - it isn't

Answer 6

You need to grow up and deal with your issues in your marriage instead of looking for an easy out. And from a woman that was abused, he can't have THAT bad of temper if you are willing to go out and do things that would make him hurt you.
It sounds like you never should have married in the first place but that is in the past and you now need to suck it up and work on your marriage.
That "in love" feeling comes and goes; all it is a chemical high you get. It was never meant to last forever, but it will come and go.
And I'm telling you right now, that friend of his will sure as he!! tell him about what you too did, so you better come clean first.

Answer 7

Tell him and give him the courtesy of being able to decide what to do with the marriage.
You marriage was going through a rut so you go cheat? And you don't feel guilty? Wow! That is cold. I'll tell you what else is downright cold, is that you are doing this with his "friend". That is no friend.
I see that you are trying to justify your infidelity by saying you were having marital problems. Sorry...not a good excuse. Actually, there is no good excuse.
I have difficulty finding sympathy for you. Adultery has consequences. You are discovering them. I'm sure there will be more to come. But, you knew that when you made your decision.

Answer 8

There is only one choice..and it's a painful one.
Move on.
No matter how much your husband loves you, the fact that you've given yourself (emotionally or physically or even just mentally), it's PROBABLY too late.
Yes, you could try counseling, but your honesty will come out and only hurt him that much more.

Sit down together.. Acknowledge that things arent going where they should..and try a break for a month.. You might discover that you really DO love him, and all will be better..but given whats happened so far, unless you do something drastic and immediate, this can only end poorly.

It's unfortunate, and my heart goes out to you..but sometimes life gives us these challenges.

Lying is the absolute WORST thing you can do..It's insulting and demeaning to your partner.

Good Luck
ED

Answer 9

First off, this is a prime example of why 19 is way too young to get married. You two need to get some marriage counseling. Whatever you do, do not bring a child into this world if you're not happy. It will not bring happiness. You need to be happy first and bring the child into a happy family.

Answer 10

You married somebody who cheated on you, who you had broken up with many times, and who has self-control issues.

If you ever read any of my advice, you wouldn't be in the predicament you are in right now.

There are dating rules. Let's review them:

1. You don't date somebody with integrity or self-control issues.

2. You NEVER take anybody back EVER. It wasn't a fight or an error in judgment. You broke up. Second chances are for fights and errors in judgement, not for breakups. One chance per person per lifetime. Period. No excuses.

3. Once your interest in your partner drops below 50% (half the time you wish they'd go away), it never gets better than that, and it never will. Relationships require maintenance.

4. A potential life partner MUST posses integrity, flexibility, be a giver, have a good sense of humor, have a positive attitude, be confident and assertive, and they must have good self-control.

Now let's look at you: you have low integrity. You aren't yourself. You are living a lie. You are mentally unstable at the moment.

You have work to do. You married the wrong person. This isn't indicative of a healthy person.

Answer 11

If you are not happy with him you need to leave. Especially since you have already cheated. Once you cheat, things will never be the same. If you know he has such an anger problem and know he would hurt you, why are you doing the things you do? If you are unhappy, leave. You are only hurting yourself in the long run. Don't lead him on into thinking that you want to make things work, if you don't. Good luck!