what is best? growing old with someone with no passion but safe and sure or a marriage with fire and passion?

Question

im 27, been with my husband 7 years. through good and absolute terrible times.

he has never been a man who grabbed hold of me with passion or desired me. and this has been some of the reason for troubles in the past.- me not feeling wanted and desired and this driving me to seek attention from other men although i have never slept with anyone else, i guess you could say i look for emotional attachments.

what should i do? i do love him but sometimes i feel angry with him. i need affection but is there something wrong with me to feel like this? am i focusing on sex too much? or is not having regular sex with your husband normal?

Answer 1

Its horses for courses. Whatever feels right for you is right for you, but be aware that the grass is not necessarily greener, and whatever decisions you make could have long lasting consequences.

Answer 2

Believe it should be a combination of both. In the past was he passionate or did you marry him knowing he was this way? If he was passionate previously, you may just be going through a 'marriage slump' which does happen. We get used to each other and kind of take the other for granted; like they will always be there. Have you tried to just sit next to him and cuddle or give him a little massage; you know, let him know you feel he is still desireable? I found that if I did little playful things, he would do the same; that he was feeling unattractive. It is important that you place the 'loving' part as a priority in marriage along with the bills, work, etc.

He may just need a little nudging himself so he can open up to you again. Safe is good, but it must be balanced with the deep feelings you have for each other. Hope it works out; I wouldn't just give up. Don't talk or complain to him, take some action and see what the results are. Take Care

Answer 3

Hi,
I was married previously in a passionless marriage that was safe and I just wasn't happy. We had sex once a month and it was always the same. We split up and I've married a woman (4 years tomorrow! been living together for 6 years) and the passion and fire in the relationship is amazing. We can't get enough of each other and have sex pretty much everyday and we love trying different things being kinky etc. I could not go back to the way it was, yes we row but so what. I love her truly madly deeply and wouldn't want it any other way. So i don't think not having sex is normal. If I was you I would sit him down, tell him what you want and then do him there and then to prove the point. Once he realises that this is what you want, I'm sure he will agree!!

Answer 4

A mismatched sex drive can be a real problem. You could confront him, but even if that works, you then have the negative that he is doing it because he feels he has to, and that would make you feel even worse.

Just perhaps, the root of the problem is not sex, maybe it's just a symptom of something deeper. You say that you seek out emotional attachment (which we all do in one way or another), is it actually the emotional attachment that you are missing? There also may be a medical or psychological reason for his low sex drive. A good medical checkup might be in order, and some marriage councelling for the two of you.

Has he had an experience in his earlier life that made sex a negative? Have you had emotional deprivation in your early life, and is it making you crave emotional (and physical) reassurance now?

In a marriage you have to ask for what you want. Men can be a bit thick, and they're not much good at working out what we want. For example an approach such as "You never show any passion towards me.. blah blah blah.." will never get as good a response as "I'm feeling really insecure, and unwanted, can you help me , I need you".

Another mistake we often make is to expect our partner to supply all our needs. It's important to have some of your needs met outside the marriage. I don't mean fooling around, but for example strong friendships with other women can supply you with the friendship and social closeness that you need. An interest or hobby can supply you with another outlet and interest, and you can meet people who share that interest.(don't scoff, it really works)

It's normal after some years of marriage to find you are in a rut, but it is possible to work your way out of it and come out a winner. At seven years, my marriage was boring (everything about it), I had small children, it was a mess, but I worked through, and now (after 26 years together) we are blissfully happy in every area of our lives. I'm so glad I didn't give up back then.

Answer 5

I was in your exact same boat. My marriage of 7 years was completely passionless. Not only was there virtually no sex, but no affection whatsoever -- no hugs, kisses, or anything. It is a dark, dark place to be. I feel your pain. And I also understand what you mean about choosing that over something that is safe and sure. I chose safe and sure for seven years, because I felt obligated to make things work for my daughter's sake. He also made me to believe that it was my own fault he wasn't affectionate with me -- that I didn't deserve it because I put on weight, or I had been grumpy, or whatever. I realized after a long time in counseling that it was the complete lack of affection that was making me depressed, therefore making me grumpy and making me overeat! I don't know all the details of your situation, but I do know how it feels to be so totally cut off from physical attention and love. And I know that once I decided I did indeed deserve those things and I left, I have been a brand new person. It feels like being born again. I've been given my life back. And I now have people in my life who are more than happy to show me that affection. I wish the same for you. Good luck. :)

Answer 6

I think this is a really good question and one I ask myself often - in a perfect world you would have both but in reality it doesn't always happen.

I really think it is important to have a strong bond and relationship because when the fire eventually runs out you want someone you can sit next to in your rocking chair and have good conversation with , someone compassionate enough to be be there when you are sad , someone to laugh with , cry with , have adventures with and all of the important things that you need.

Unfortunately for me personally , sex is really important , I am passionate, romantic and full of life and I need that spark. I love to be loved , I love physical contact & I need it. I want to be kissed , hugged and made passionate love too. Why is that so wrong? I don't want to be old before my time. I love sex and there is so much more I want to try and looks like I will not have the option. I have tried all the tricks to relight the fire - I have talked about how I feel - it improves and then fizzles off again. I just think it is not really important to him.

However - that is selfish of him and not fulfilling my needs. What are my options - leave him - sleep with someone else or just live with it. Why must I live with it? Why is how he feels more important than how I feel?

I need to feel alive! I love it when you see old couples walking down the street holding hands , looking out for each other and still staring into each others eyes like the other person is the most important person in the world.

The biggest frustration is that before getting married we talked about it - keeping the love and romance alove - not allowing every day issues get in the way of us etc etc . I feel like he has let me down and broken a promise.

Sorry just frustrated and know where you are coming from.

Good luck

Answer 7

I have lived in your shoes. I know exactly how you are feeling. The best thing to do is communicate your needs to him if he is not willing to try then he probably will never change. I literally had to threaten my man that he had to move out because I was tired of just being a friend and a roommate and a sperm deposit box.
I told him I was worth it and I deserved it and that if he could not give that to me when I give it to him in every way that it was not worth it for me to stay in the relationship. Why should I give 100% and only get 20% in return.

It is a hard decision you have to make because he is safe and sure and you live in misery not having that fire and if you leave you might have the fire but no security. At the same time Life is short and if your not happy what a waste that would be.

If you want to talk more - email me.

Answer 8

What do you want at the end of the day???
To have a fiery relationship with it's ups and downs, not feeling secure and wondering if he really wants to be with you. Or secure in a marriage, remembering the reason why you chose to marry each other in the first place. The grass is always greener until you get there. Take stock and decide what you really want, is this the only area of your life you want to change or are there other aspects that need looking at as well?
I've been there and chose the fiery option, which I know regret.........
Good luck

Answer 9

To your title question, I say why can't you have both?

To the rest of your question, there is nothing wrong with you wanting/needing affection from your husband. Have you sat down and talked to him about this? That might help if you haven't tried it yet. Some men just don't get it and need to be told.
No you are not focusing too much on sex and you should be having regular sex (thats why you get married).

Answer 10

1. Talk to him and tell him how you feel (be kind when you do this).
2. Tell him you want to experimented in the bedroom .
3.Try introducing new toys .
4.Think of some thing romantic to do and surprise him next time he comes to bed.
5.Buy some new sexy Lingerie.
6.Candles.
7.Romantic candle light meal.
8. Take control and initiate sex.
Personally i want to grow old with passion and would fight real hard to keep my relationship that way.