What do you think of a father to be who...?

Question

Refuses to move in with you, are engaged but 6 months down the line still no engagement ring (he is paying uni fees and working and I know doesn't have much money), plans a baby together then when I am complaining because i feel lik ei ma going through it alone says well I knew what I was getting myself into! Refuses to give a date when he will move in and says my house is too small for him to move into...where would his friends sleep when they visit! Has only attended one antenatal visit (and that was a struggle) because his blood was needed to determine threat to baby, never attended a scan, I had 3 because I had a threatened miscarriage at 8 weeks. Hasn't told his family who live abroad about the baby, hasn't contributed anything financially yet to getting ready for baby-I have done all that-thanks god for freecycle and ebay. I'm 6 months now and whilst he showns some interest when he's around I feel alone, I only get to see him 2 evenings a week.

He wil come in the evening twice a week and stay till next morning. I work fultime from home 5-11pm 6 nights a week and my only day off is wednesday, he has wednesdays off too. I asked him to come tonight when i called last night (he was watching footie with his mates) and he said he couldn't and got stroppy with me telling me he told me he would come at weekend (I saw him last Sunday). The thing is I know he's not coming because he wants to watch footie again with his mates. I feel so crap when he puts his mates and footie before me and the baby.

Answer 1

It is very likely that you are going to be a single unwed mother.

Answer 2

I do think that you have been irresponsible starting a family with someone who has already demonstrated so little commitment to you. It is an unfair fact of life that regardless of the circumstances women don't get the opportunity to just walk away like men can so you need to get tough with yourself and accept that this baby is 100% your responsibility. You need to consider whether you would want your child having that kind of influence in its life or if it is time for you to stop putting your life on hold for Mr Pathetic and get on with it. I am sorry but you do come across as very needy and chasing around after him is just going to make him back away. It sounds like ultimatum time to me, if you don't feel you can say what you have to say without leaving anything out write him a letter telling him you entered into this as a joint commitment, you can't walk away and if he is not prepared to show you commitment now when you need him then you will be 100% Mum and Dad until someone else who you are happy with is prepared to be Dad (that'll frighten him). Tell him you have done all the moaning and chasing you are going to do and it is now entirely up to him. Then you need to stick to your guns and not contact him and wait to see if he comes running. If he doesn't then at least you know where you stand and you can devote all of you time and emotions to that innocent little baby who didn't ask to be brought into this world. I've been there. You mustn't assume second best is better than nothing. It is hard being a single Mum especially if you have to work too but there are plenty of good men out there prepared to be great step dads and a great sense of pride being a single Mum in the meantime. Good luck and stay strong, if he can't get his act together then you don't need this waster. Jen (now Mum of 5 Grandma to twins + 1 on way)

Answer 3

I was reading this and had flash-backs of my ex-husband. This is a man who stopped on the way home from having our second baby to pick up his buddy and a case of beer with our less than 24 hour old baby in the car. Some men are simply not cut out for this sort of thing. They think they want kids cause they would be cool (or something, I don't know) but when it actually starts to happen they kind of freak out and don't know what in the world they should do. If you are 6 months and he hasn't even told his family that would be a huge flashing neon sign that he doesn't intend to stick around. (In my opinion anyway.) If the 2 of you planned to have this baby together then he needs to own up to his responsibility for it. You are getting very close to actually having the baby and he needs to decide if he is going to be there for both of you or if he is just going to do his part to take care of the baby when it is born and leave your relationship in the dust. There is too much else going on in the emotions of a pregnant woman to leave huge questions like that dangling in the air. It is time for you to sit down with him and find out exactly what he plans to do, but prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. Just be ready for him to say something like he is not ready after all or something. Hopefully, having a talk with him about it will fix some things rather than drive him away, but just know going into it that it could go either way and be prepared for it. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

I would probably sit down and think long and hard about whether this was the kind of man that I really wanted in mine and my childs life.

Bringing up children is an amazing experience but its hard and even harder to do when you have problems in your relationship, children rarely make problems between parents better.

New mums need friends and family who are supportive and helpful, not ones who are a drain both physically and emotionally.

No one can really tell you what to do, but I am sure in your heart (even if you are scared to admit it) you have a feeling whether this man really is the one for you.

Nothing will change him being your childs father and he will have to make his own choices through the pregnancy, birth and as your child grows how involved and committed he is going to be, but ultimately, you should be the one to call the shots and be in control. Tell him to shape up or ship out. His choice. Then at least that way you can get on an enjoy your new baby without having to worry about what your partner is doing from one day to the next.

Good Luck, hope it all works out for you xxx

Answer 5

Once you are a Mother you will grow up, fast and I think you'll go off him too. Unless, you want 2 children (eg he won't grow up) Postpone him moving in, till he has finished Uni at least. You aren't engaged; (no ring). I don't like the sound of this man (boy). But if you consider yourself engaged, fine. Make it a long engagement and don't rush into anything. You will see, in time, what most strangers can see. He is no good (yet).

Answer 6

This man is not being responsible nor is he caring for your feelings, nor the babies. Showing this lack of empathy for you and for his child says everything I need to know. You said you both planned this baby. Why did you plan a baby when he wasnt financially secure? Anyways its too late to cry over spilt milk but if he wont step up to the plate, I would make sure he will help contribute financially for the baby. If he loved you as he should he would be moving in with you no excuses. I am sorry. I am sure you will be a good mother. You will be making up for the lack of a father it sure does look like to me. I am sorry, be strong and good luck with the delivery.

Answer 7

I hate to say this my dear but it sounds like this young man has not grown up yet and does not want the full responsibility of being a partner and father. Sounds like he doesn't want to grow up yet and is clearly demonstrating this by staying in with his mates.
I think this relationship spells disaster to be honest and you would be better off on your own. You are managing perfectly on your own so far anyway.
I would not tolerate seeing him when he can fit me in amongst seeing his mates. I'd tell him to his face that he either gets his backside in gear by supporting you both emotionally and with some financial impute or he's dumped.
Don't be his doormat!
And if you are engaged then why has he not told his parents? And WHY no ring......................................
He's not committed hun so dump him now before you and the baby get hurt.

Answer 8

I think you made a mistake with this guy. I would save yourself major heartache later and remove this waster from your life right now. Concentrate on you and your baby and how happy you can be without him bringing you both down. This sounds cruel I know, but you got to put him in his place, he is not being good enough. You never know, after a little while, taking on a new approach to him might actually shock him into growing up and being a responsible husband and father. But dont hold your breath just in case he doesnt. Good luck.

Answer 9

This bf of yours sounds a bit immature and is not dealing with these situations very well. I would have a serious chat about the relationship if i was you. Also he needs to eb there for you more than 2 nites a week - sort that out before baby comes along.

Answer 10

hes showing no commitment to you but im not really surprised hes at uni and not in a position to support you fiancially and you only see him a couple of times a week. i think you need to face the facts that you are going through this alone and huge possibility that your going to be a single mother, best thing you can hope for is the baby to have a big impact on him but i doubt it ,hes showing all the signs of not being ready to settle down.

Answer 11

oh dear...i think you need to pull away a bit. sounds like this guys wants his cake and eat it too. he may be different once the baby is there - but probably not towards you...rather towards the baby. It doesn't sound like he is that into you or that committed...so you're better off facing the facts and deciding how you will manage the situation i the best interest of the child. Hopefully he will be a better father than he is a partner.