I wrote this.. Tell me what you think...?

Question

SEE


She stands alone
in a crowded room
No one can see the pain
Which inside her
Seems to loom

She goes back home
And hides in fear
And crawls behind
Her every tear

She leaves her shame
Way down inside
Where she knows
It all can hide

The teachers always
see the marks
But never question
The excuse of parks

They’ve seen the signs
They’ve seen her cry
But never think
There’s something behind

They ignore the scrapes
Bruised arms and legs
And think nothing of
Excuses she’s made

Two days later
An empty seat
No one thinks
Of the evil defeat

An unmarked grave
For her final bed
You’d think they would have realized then.

Answer 1

This is a very good poem.
Outside of some grammar flaws you carried me from the beginning to the end. WTG!

It is a very moving piece.

This to me is a very worthy piece and I will forward to others who are able to critique better than I.

Nice, moving and beautiful piece.
Keep writing, for within you is a talent.

Peace & Love,
Sam

Answer 2

It's got a lot of potential, but here are a few suggestions:

"She stands alone
in a crowded room
No one can see the pain
Which inside her
Seems to loom"

too many words in the stanza, doesn't match the others. also "seems" to loom sounds kind of odd -- you know it's looming, so it doesn't just "seem" too.

"She leaves her shame
Way down inside
Where she knows
It all can hide"

"Way down" is a little childish. "it all can hide" doesn't flow well.

"But never question
The excuse of parks"

questions, not question. and what's (or who's) parks?

"But never think
There’s something behind"

again, too many syllables, and "there's something behind" lacks structure, behind isn't a good ending word for the line.



"And think nothing of
Excuses she’s made"

try to find a word other than "excuses"

"No one thinks
Of the evil defeat"

"evil defeat" doesn't flow well.

"An unmarked grave
For her final bed
You’d think they would have realized then."

cliche, doesn't keep meter, and then doesn't rhyme with bed.

keep writing though, you're close to something really good. hope this helped.

Answer 3

It's a worthy but overworked concept which, in this case, sounds like a cliche because the treatment is overwhelmed by forced rhyme and a lack of the kind of description that would cause a reader to take the story seriously.

Even different line breaks in this poem would only minimally soften the sound of the forced rhyme...a sing song effect that tends to trivialize a topic that is worth thinking and doing something about.

I would suggest taking this piece stanza by stanza and coming up with actual descriptive adjectives with some imagination and possibly even trying some prose instead of forced rhyme.

Answer 4

Your poem is not bad, but it certainly needs a great deal of editing. Also, please know, that this subject has been done many times and parts of it sound very familiar, which means you need to be aware of every word you use.

Danny L gave many good comments on this one, so I won't repeat them, but rather I'll give you some general advice:

You've decided to write in half-rhymed, four line stanzas. This is fine, but you need to be consistant; count your beats, watch your phrasing and how each line starts...up beat, or down beat; iambic, dactyl or trochee. If you're unfamiliar with these terms, please look them up as they are important aspects of rhyme poetry. Be careful of "forced" rhymes, such as "park"...I understood you meant that the excuse was that she had hurt herself playing in the park, but the phrase is extremely awkward. If you find a line is too difficult to write so it sounds natural, you need to rewrite the entire stanza so it flows better. In the last stanza you might try to end with the first two lines...in other words, come up with two lines that lead into the two you now use as the first two. Just a suggestion.

The poem is basically a rough first draft, but with some editing, you could make it far more powerful and have it sound a great deal more natural.

You show at times, however, a good poetic ear...so keep writing.

Answer 5

WOW - WOW - WOW ...... Take it from a person who loves to write poetry (mostly silly, rhyming, tho) that the above piece is brilliant !! I could honestly feel "her" pain ~ and what a powerful ending!

You've really captured the hopelessness the victim feels and makes the reader revisit the issue of child abuse that continues to be such a growing epidemic in the world today.

If only you could read your poem on OPRAH ~ or ELLEN ~ or THE VIEW, it would help create more awareness and urgent need for better communication between victims and their peers, relatives, schools so that there is someone to immediately turn to, before it is too late ...

Answer 6

I like the poem very much, it carried me as a reader from being alone all the way through to despair. It is simple to read so I wasn’t tempted halfway through to give up. I have to say it is a spiral into the depths of despair and would like to know do you write other poems and are they of the same nature or if your poems are a rollercoaster like the human psyche and emotional state.

Answer 7

Very good poem. The topic is an important one and needs repeating over and over again - until someone finally gets it.

You successfully portrayed a sad experience that too many suffer. Well done.

Answer 8

Very sad poem but tells of the abuse that goes on in this world everyday. A country western singer wrote a song similar to this that would put tears in your eyes.

Answer 9

This poem is beautiful. Sad, but beautiful. It really expresses what some children are going through these days. Keep up the good work.

Answer 10

I like, it obviously has not been over thought yet you seem to but effort into your thinking, nice grammar and a simple yet effective flow, well done, work on more stricking imagery if you will though.