I was married to my first husband for 5 yrs., had two beautiful children, little girl 7 yrs. old now, little boy 5 yrs. old now, he was never home, never helped me with the house and only did things with me and the kids when it was convienent for him. We have been divorced now for 4 yrs., I am currently engaged to another man that I have been with for three years, he is wonderful to my children and wonderful to me, the problem is, that we constantly fight over my ex. The reason being because my ex is still a huge part of my kids life, he is still a good dad to them even if it is every other weekend. No thats not to say that for a long time the ex did what he was supposed to do with the kids, he just now started paying child support after 4 yrs. and well for a long time, he wouldn't even try to be around the kids. My fiance now has not forgotten this and still proceeds to downgrade the ex, every chance he gets. I just want my kids to be happy, and for my fiance to get along with my ex.
2007-10-02 18:15:00 · 14 answers · asked by Tressa Mae 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The problem is - you are stuck in the middle. I think your fiance wants you to agree with him that your ex is a loser. But, he's putting you in a difficult position because he is your children's father, and that will never change. Maybe he was a fly by night dad earlier, but what counts is what he is doing now to make up for it.
You seriously need to have a sit down talk with your fiance. I think he feels threatened by your ex's presence. So, tell your fiance that he provides stability for your family. That you are so thankful he is there, because he's teaching your kids responsibility. Explain to him that your kids are excited about being with your ex because he is their dad, but when it comes to dependability, you and your kids look to your fiance. Tell him that you feel caught in the middle - that you agree with him your ex was a loser, but you appreciate that he's trying to change. And that you need his help to create a positive environment for your kids - that if he continues to put your ex down, he is creating confusion with the kids - they will feel guilty that they enjoy being with their dad, which they should not be.
I think if you make your fiance understand all of this, the put downs will lessen and he'll ease off on your ex.
2007-10-02 18:22:35 · answer #1 · answered by lordmisrule2004 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The fiance is insecure about having the ex around and he has to realize that is something he has to deal with and that everyone deserves a second chance if they earn it, and it sounds like the ex is at least paying the child support now to try to atone for past mistakes. Perhaps the fiance is afraid also the ex wants you back and is trying to be a good guy for that reason or even that you may regret the divorce in time. Just remind him that everyone does deserve that second chance and that you will be the first one to ban the ex if he gets out of line.
2007-10-02 18:31:05 · answer #2 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your not going to like this answer but here go's. You have a 50% chance of the second marriage failing.If your an optimist you can say you have a 50% chance of it succeeding.Your problem probably won't get any better and as the kid's get older it may even become worse.Your ex isn't going away nor should he.I really suggest seeing a family consular before getting married again, or pretty soon you'll be looking for husband number 3.I say these things through experience.Good luck and God Bless.
2007-10-02 18:24:53 · answer #3 · answered by Henry B 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WHY on earth do you want your fiance to get along with your ex - husband? he didnt marry him , he didnt give children to him all he did was save you and show you what a real relationship could be like.
Yes the problem is you , your not over your ex-husband so your using your children to integrate him into your current relationship and let me warn you honey , it's going to bring a whole world of pain down on you that your children dont need .
A.It is fine to keep thing's civil and friendly between the adult's when the children are present.
B.It IS asking to much to expect your current fiance to push aside the hurt and pain your ex inflicted on you like yesterday's trash.
C.It IS selfish of you to want things to be anything bar civil between your fiance and your ex husband.
D.Your wasting to much time and energy destroying your curent relationship to keep your ex-husband close to your children quit it.
Its not acceptable to sit there and expect these thing's and it is childish to argue with someone you claim to love just because they cant forget everything you told them about how your children's father treated you , if you didnt want bad blood between them you shouldnt have opened your mouth in the 1st place.
2007-10-02 18:24:21 · answer #4 · answered by JadeyOz 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think you are making a big mistake. If your fiance is acting like this now and you are not even married just wait until you are. You will be getting the WRATH of him on a daily basis. It's not healthy for your children. What's wrong with dating and not subjecting your children to this adult drama. I think it's time for you to think about your children instead of yourself. Be cautious.
2007-10-02 18:34:44 · answer #5 · answered by aynav 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You cannot expect your new man to respect or even LIKE your ex - he probably thinks he is a looser, and is only playing the Dad role NOW because of him! Many times, the un-involved person can see inside someones mind more clearly, because they are NOT emotionally involved.
I suggest that you deal with your ex STRICTLY where the kids are concerned - no chit chat, no talking about anything else, no lingering around after dropping the kids off - and tell your new man to please keep his opinions to himself - you know he does not like him and don't need to hear it anymore.
2007-10-02 18:23:54 · answer #6 · answered by BikerChick 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
you need to put a stop to this before it you get married to him. yeah the dad wasnt there and so on but he is here now and is doing what he is suppose to and the new hubby can even accept it or leave it. he needs to grow up and get a life. its not about him its about two kids who need to know their dad and have a relationship with him regardless of what you and he could not obtain when you were married. you and new hubby need to talk about this because dad will always be in the picture even if he not in the picture. new hubby needs to realize that he is step dad not dad. and that those kids have a dad. and he has every right to be in there life and provide for them and make decision about them. new hubby needs to get over himself. and think about the kids. but for real its not about the kids for new hubby. his thinks that you and dad will get back together so he is scared and insecure about that possibility. new hubby needs some reassurance for you that you wont leave him to go back to dad. GodBless
2007-10-02 18:30:02 · answer #7 · answered by Crystal G 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the problem is the situation you're in. talk to your bf and tell him that it is impossible to for you to dismiss your ex because he is still the father of your kids and he gives support to them which you need.in the first place he falls for you and accepted your status so all you need is a little understanding so everyone will be happy including him.
2007-10-02 18:26:09 · answer #8 · answered by honey 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i dont believe that you are the problem the men in your life are
it normal for your fiance to feel as he does, he was with the kids when there dad was not in the picture. now that that the
father is in there life he jealouze. so you need to let him know
that you appreciate him but he need to stop disrepect the
father of the children.that not fair at all. and if he really want
everyone to be happy the he will respect your wishes on
this matter. good luck to you both.
2007-10-02 18:22:41 · answer #9 · answered by luckystar 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
maybe your fiancee feels resentful b/c your ex is just now stepping up to the plate. maybe the ex feels like he's doing this b/c you all are engaged now. i think its good that your children are developing a relationship with their father. hopefully your fiance will get used to the father being involved
2007-10-02 18:22:07 · answer #10 · answered by saraJ 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋