Should I still be nice to my mother-in-law or not, after the way she behaved last time?

Question

My husband and I got married in a court. My mother-in-law knew about me and had talked to me before we got married. Since she lives in a different country than us, we didn't have a chance to meet. Last year, she was kind of sick and was going to go for an eye surgery. My husband felt bad that he couldn't get off from work so he could go and see her. So I took off from work and went there for a whole month. The first day she was real nice 2 me, after that everything went down hill. She always wanted to know where I was going. When my husband would call she would eavesdrop on us. If I would cook something, she always had something bad 2 say abt it. My husband sent her some real nice things, she didn;t like any of them, she told me that to my face. She would invite girls over or talk abt them with her friends while I was present(girls she wanted my husband to get married to-in our culture arranged marriages are common). She would go around telling ppl my personal stuff.

She told my husband I was meeting guys late at night. She wouldn't talk to me for days. She would get me really mad, and when I would say something she would start crying. So I would feel bad about it. She never appreciates wht my husband and I do for her. She always wants more money, We send her money all the time. She turns around and gives that money to my bro-in-law. She is always complaining never thankful. I will be staying with her(alone) once again for a whole month. I really need some advice? am I doing something wrong? Please HELP

Answer 1

For 15 years I have dealt with Mother in law hell and I am no where in a better position then you are. She has done everything to me with no sorrys or remorse.She has been absolutely rude and disrespectful to me and my family. I have came to the diecision aehile ago that I would have nothing to do with her. I keep my distance and will not see her. A few months after that I let my guard down for my husband's sake because he was torn between the two of us, but she end up hurting me even worse this time. She told my mother horrible lies and talked crap about my dad that died 4 yrs ago. Things I will never forgive her for. She tries to take over things like my kids are hers and I have no right as a parent to say anything. When I do she tries to turn my kids against me. I have not seen her this time since July because of the havoc she has caused and this time I am sticking to my guns. I even refuse to answer the phone if her # comes up on the caller ID.
I was told by a therapist that it would probably be best to avoid her at all cost if I can because her behavior is not healthy and it is very destuctive to my relationship with my husband.
The best thing yo do is to avoid that person if she makes you feel that bad!!! Sounds alot like some of the things I have had to put up with and even more. Take my advice and take a break from her. Trying to confront my mother in law did not work, so I suggest for your well being to do whats best and avoid her even if it is for short periods of time. You'll feel better about yourself and she you don't need her criticism and hard words.

She will never treat you the same as her own flesh and blood even if you treat her better then they do. I have learned that after 15 years of marriage and years of Mother in Law torture!!!!

Answer 2

Yes, you are doing something wrong. Your setting yourself up to be abused again. Apparently the first 1month of abuse was not enough and your going back for more. If your husband is so concerned about his mother then he needs to go. If she is giving the money you send her to her other son then I guess she doesn't need your money and you could stop sending it or send it to your brother in law directly. This woman did not know you from a whole in the wall. You never met her, you went to stay with her and help her for 1 month and she abused you. I would like to know why your husband sat back and did nothing and allowed this to continue for the whole time you were there. He should have told his mother that you went out of love for him and since she is making you feel unwelcome he is sending you a plane ticket to come home. If it was me I would not be going back. If she needs care you might want to pay someone to stay and take care of her. If you feel that you need to go then don't look to change her accept the fact she is not fond of you.

Answer 3

Hi Illusion,
Obviously your mother-in-law missed her kid (your husband) & let's just say jealous that he's now your hubby 1st, her son 2nd. But she has a unique & unhealthy way of showing it. You see, most mothers resent the coming in of a daughter-in-law coz in a way it symbolize her losing him. Now you ask why she coninuously puts you down?? I'll tell you why. How many stories have I heard from friends about mother-in-laws & daughter-in-laws competing against each other?? I'll say almost 7 out of 10. Only by putting you down can she make herself feel good. Obviously I forgot another trait your mom-in-law has..INSECURITY. Insecurity is a sibling of fear & can lead people to do foolish, tragic things. My advise. Have a heart to heart talk with her..Be as respectful as you can but don't go around the bushes. Tell her straight. Ask her if there's a problem..Then tell her what you're telling us right now. Of course, she will deny everything..she will even put the blame on you being so sensitive..Make a stand, but don't go into a quarrel with her. Your intention here is to let her ponder things over when you leave and at the same drawing a line in your relationship. Believe me, it would be much better this way, opening up than silently suffering & create a molehill of anger into a mountain. In due time, you will both learn to adjust to each other..But it will never happen if you are not open to one another

Answer 4

I do not know what your culture or your customs are but you do not have to take treatment from people that you do not like. She has lied and tried to cause problems with your husband. I would not visit her alone. I would not visit her at all if I could avoid it. Why do you send her money? If she needed the money she would not be giving it to her son. I would tell her that she has to give respect to receive respect. If she cries, let her. Do not feel bad. She does not care about your feeling. I am assuming that you are religious. Is not one of the 10 commandments not to bear false witness? Sorry, I guess this would depend on your religion. I would talk to your husband. Does he know of what happened before? I would not tell her personal things. I hope this helps. Good luck.

Answer 5

sounds like a fun mother in law!

I'd recommend finding a neutral time to sit with your hubby, and discuss your concerns about his mother. remember he may not see any of them, or realize they are rude manners. Be straightforward as you were here, listing exactly as it is.

He may or may not already know of her habits. You be the gracious one, and don't sink to her level. Tho in the future, you can leave the "help" to your hubby as she doesn't seem to appreciate your help and may not want it. Being rude in kind only give her the ammunition to fire back at you via the grapevine, and family.

Maybe you should schedule a renewing of your vows with a religious official so everyone can attend and know first hand you are his wife without a doubt? That may cut out any of those others eye-balling him, or his mother hoping it was all a lie??? another way to circumvent her "funny" behavior. : )

In the end, just figure out what relationship your husband and her have, and weather it. She doesn't sound like a happy person to be complaining so much.

Answer 6

My advice to you is to limit your time with your mother-in-law as much as possible. She obviously doesn't like you and she resents the idea that you married her son. She takes advantage of you and your husband whenever she can because she knows that she can get away with it. This woman doesn't sound like a good person at all. Don't try to get on her good side because she wont let you. Don't expect her to respect you because she wont. Just try to keep your distance.As for your next trip ,try to get out of it because she will aggravate you and make you miserable,so whats the point .Let your brother-in-law take care of her.

Answer 7

All she is trying to do is make you run stick with it act like you did not even notice find out what she likes and don't and if she don't like something do it and say "oh I did not relize you did not like that or that it annoys you" And then do it over and over again She has made up her mind about you and you can't change it. She sounds immpossable and there is nothing you can do to change her mind So at least have a little fun with it.

Answer 8

You need to have someone else sit with her. You have done your duty, and she turned out to be an ungrateful witch. You should not be subjected to that sort of treatment ever again. I wish my husband's mother lived in another country. I hate that woman. She's not allowed at my house!

Answer 9

I wouldn't stay with her. This is not your responsibility to do so. Is your husband having an affair by any chance? Why would he be so insistent on getting rid of you for a month?

Answer 10

She's testing you. She's trying to see how far she can push you before you snap. My advice? Don't tell her any 'personal stuff', and don't snap. Call your husband maybe after she goes to sleep (warn him in advance so you won't wake him up-he won't be happy about that) and tell him that your mother in law is 'difficult' but not 'impossible'. Say that. He will probably say, "Yes, I know!'
Good luck!!!!!!!