Is stepmom crossing the line?

Question

My son's father and I have been apart for almost 4 years now. He is now married, and has my son for visitation every weekend. I am very active in my sons life, and give him everything he needs as a mother, as does his father. My concerns are with his wife and how she sees her role as my son's stepmother. For example, she has called me periodically to question decisions that I have made concerning my son (claiming that she was trying to keep an argument from happening between me and my ex) ... she sends notes to my son's teachers concerning his schoolwork ... she attends parent-teacher conferences ... she attempts to make holiday/birthday plans for my son and tells him to "talk to your mother to see what she thinks" rather than talking to me directly ... I could go on and on. In a nutshell, she attempts to do things in my sons life that I, as his mother, already take care of ... I can't seem to get my point across to her to let me be the mother ...

I have attempted to talk with her about this, but all she does is defend herself by saying that she loves him and only wants the best for him ... I appreciate that, but my son has a mother in his life ... it would be an entirely different situation if I was not around. How can I get my point across to her?? Help!

Answer 1

You had your chance to be a mother and should be happy that someone is doing a good job in your absence. Maybe if you had been a better wife you would still be the mother figure in your sons life. If she was as you would prefer her to have turned out then you would likely instead be ranting about the useless person she is to your child. It isn't the childs fault you and the father divorced but when you did you divorced them both by not demanding custody of the child. She is being everything you wasn't, thats why your the odd one out.

Answer 2

She knows YOU are his mother---don't worry about that... and I think what she is TRYING to do is make it so your son feels stable not only with YOU but with HER as well..... she is NOT trying to compete with you---she is trying to be just a part of his life as she SHOULD be considering your son is obviously young and this woman WILL be his father's wife for years to come. You should be happy that she is attending parent teacher conferences as she TOO is a part of the parental support for your son.... why leave her OUT? Maybe you should be working TOGETHER for the benefit of your son and not getting all upset because you are jealous and worried about a competition that isn't happening.... A LOT of us have had step parents---I had two complete sets of parents with 2 step parents... everyone kind of worked together to make things nice and peaceful and easy for the kids in the situations.. (and there were MANY with all 4 of them each bringing children into the new marriages)....instead of fighting her on this maybe you should be happy that she and in affect your EX HUSBAND are a huge part of your son's life and WANT TO BE.... there are a LOT of step mothers who resent the KIDS from the former marriage and treat THEM like CRAP and cause rifts between their husbands and their husbands former spouse... so be thankful that this stepmother cares so much---but please don't be childish and jealous---your child knows YOU are his MOMMY!!!!! but shouldn't he be entitled to an equally important time with his father and that would INCLUDE his stepmother!!!!???!!? After all, what REALLY matters here is the well -being of your SON!!!

Answer 3

I agree with Little Barb. It sounds like she is making an honest effort to be there for your son. Maybe she told your son to see what you think so that she does not have to bother you. It does not sound like she is being vindictive or trying to step on your toes. There are not a lot of step parents out there that truly love their step children. I would give her the benefit of doubt and embrace her help and love for your child. He will be better because of it. I don't think that she is trying to take your place. She sounds like a very compassionate woman. I hope that you can accept her a little more. Questioning my decisions I might have a problem with. It would depend on how it was done and what it was over. Good luck.

Answer 4

I am dating a man who has two kids and it is not easy when you are expected to be completely involved in their lives, but then feel you are limited in things. No, I am not "raising" his kids, but as a person in their lives and for the love that I feel for them, I would only want the best for them. You can not expect her to "care" for your kid, "love" your kid like her own, "protect" your kid, "nurture" your kid, "guide" your kid and "help" your kid, without being able to voice her opinions about your kids life in some ways and enjoy some of the well deserved benefits from doing those things. I guess maybe you feel she should do all those things and then just "step-off" when it is convenient for you. That is so wrong. Either she is involved in your kids life or she isn't....think about it...you can't have it both ways. So what do you want? Her to have nothing to do with your kid or just what you say she can. Which would be best for the child? No, she isn't your child's mother, you are, and you should be secure in that fact. Maybe you should tell her to not bother with anything for the kid, so life will be easier for you and you can do everything you want without her involvement. Think about her position for a second...it isn't an easy one to be in. If she over-stepping boundaries, then you should take it up with your ex, but be careful what you wish for. It may not be in the best interest of your child. You say you give him everything he needs....but you are not there on the weekends he is with his father and if she steps in to continue to give him that love as an extension of you, then you should be grateful. Sorry if this was harsh, but unless you have walked in the shoes just a little bit, you have no idea. Best of luck.

Answer 5

In my opinion, your ex should tell her and then maybe it will sink in. It' good that she is involved wit him, but really, she should stay out of your business. Sure, she is his step parent, but she is not his mother. I usually let my husband discuss things with his ex about their daughter and only put in my opinion if I am asked. No way would I call her other and question her decisions. It really should be between the mom and dad. Try to get your ex to talk to her. If that doesn't work i would just nicely Tell her to back down

Answer 6

I have a five year old stepdaughter. It certainly wasn't easy at first for myself and her mother to get along. But we both realized the most important thing to both of us is Kirstin. We work together. She considers me just as much Kirstin's mom as she is. You two need to work together. It'll only turn out bad if you continue with "well she did this and she did that".

Answer 7

I think she sounds wonderful. I am also VERY active in my children's life . My ex has not remarried yet (I have so I am a stepmom to 2 wonderful boys who i love very much). I pray every night that if and when my ex remarries, the stepmom loves and cares for my girls. I'd take yours in a minute. You should include HER more.

Answer 8

Sorry but i only agree with that she's crossing the lines on one aspect of what u've wrote here, and thats her trying to be the middle man between u and ur x husband on how did u put it.. "questioning decisions that i have made concerning my son" .. in that moment u need to say if my x has a problem then he needs to discuss it with me.. plain and simple .. As far as her wanting to plan bdays, if they are during their weekends she has every right to, as they should have a bday party or special occassions at their house, and u should have a seperate bday party and special occassions at your house, now if u and ur x do them together, then YES she has every right to be apart of the planning process, she is now part of the parental "team" , because she IS whether u like it or not, his step mother.. and she is your x husbands wife, and u cant pick and choose when she is allowed to be step mother or not.. Obviously ur x loves his child and would not of married her if he didnt think she was going to make a good mother role model in "their" house..and thats what she is, his mother role model in "their" house, she cant take ur place, no doubt there, nor do i think she wants to, but her place is to be your substitute when your not there.
As far as school.. , she should be involved with his school as far as knowing whats going on, im sure he at times has homework he has to do at their house or projects ect that she probably has or will need to help with.. (as men are usually not very good about that sort of thing) and she should be silent in the parent teach conference but have an ear open to know what is expected of your son to do school wise during their time with him. I think she's trying to do the best she can to be a good step mother and id think u would rather your son have someone that cares about his life , then to have a woman that treats him like he's crap and trys to come between him and his father.. and make him feel like an outcast in his fathers home.. if u feel there should be a line drawn on certain things, then draw the line, but to think that she should have zero say in ur son is ridiculous.. because the moment she married ur x, she became responsible for him as well if for nothing more then the weekends that he is in their house.. so u need to stop being so petty, and realize u have a woman that is trying maybe alittle to hard, but atleast shes trying and not treating ur son like an obsticle in her way..

Let me ask u this, eventually if ur not already , u will get remarried to a man that u love and adore and u think will be a great man to be around your son.. as a father role in your house.. are u telling me that u will cast him aside and not let him have any say in what happens in your house, or with ur son, as far as school, holidays etc?????? OF COURSE YOU WOULDNT.. when u marry a man u will want him to be the "father figure" in your house, u will want him to be involved with ur son as much as possible, u will talk and come up with ways to handle situations for your son when dealing with the x, if he wants to go to school functions, or parent teacher conferences u'd be fine with it.. STOP looking at this from one side.. YOU NEED TO PUSH UR OWN FEELINGS ASIDE AND DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR UR SON< AND WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOUR SON IS ALLOWING PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE TO LOVE HIM AND CARE FOR HIM AND FOR HIM TO BE EMOTIONALLY STABLE IN THIS SITUATION AND AS LONG AS SHE'S NOT TRYING TO HARM HIM, THEN EVERYTHING IS A PLUS.. stop being jealous of another woman, SHE WILL NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR take your place in his heart no matter what u will always be his mom..

And the only reason i can see u throwing a fuss, about any of this is either ur jealous, scared she'll take ur place, or that u feel ur doing something wrong as a mom and she's making u look bad.. but all i see from ur situation is u have a woman in this situation that is trying her butt off to fit in to a ready made family.. and she obviously cares for your son and is trying to do the best where he is concerned and theres NOTHING wrong with that.. trust me it could be alot worse.. so stop thinking whats best for u, and start thinking whats best for him..

Answer 9

sounds like you really could have it worse...trust me!! if she is bothering you that bad, talk with your ex., if you have talked with her and it did no good...if he cant help, you may have to resort to a good ole fashioned butt kicking

Answer 10

It is your exs job to sort all this out. 'He is the common denominator.