Why are none of my friends or family prepared to discuss my death?

Question

I have cancer. My oncologist has told me it is terminal. In the short term it is treatable, but I am expected to be worm food within 2-3 years with intensive chemo, 6 months without.

I want to discuss this with my family, but they refuse. "It's too early to talk about that sort of thing" - "You'll get better, they are coming up with new treatments all the time" etc.

I know it is hard on them, but I really want to be able to explain why I would rather spend the next 6 months living than the next 2 years dying. I would like to discuss my funeral arrangements.

Most important of all, I would like to discuss how they will care for my daughter after I am gone.

I don't even know if the reason they won't talk is because it is hard for them, or if they are trying to "protect" me.

How the hell do I get them to talk to me instead of effectively telling me to shut my gob. They won't even use the word 'cancer' for **** sake, its always 'the spleen' or 'the illness'.

Answer 1

Is anyone ever really prepared to discuss the death of a loved one? This is going to be a very sensitive and emotional thing for them to do, because it brings to reality the fact that they will have to face a time without you. It maybe their way of escaping the fact and maybe they think bring up the issue may make you depressed or lose hope. Maybe you need to approach them as group over maybe a quite lunch and let them know how you feel and express to them your desire to enjoy the time you have with them whether you get better or not. Also in the time you have you can start to pick songs, poems etc that you would like to have in your programme, I know it might seem as a "signing off" but I've known persons who have done this and they are memorable services as they portray what the person likes and how they want to be remembered if you're a lively person then do one that depicts this. However, don't feel down that they are avoiding the topic just find a subtle way to communicate your wishes to them.

Answer 2

They are afraid, cut them a break, get an idea of who you want to take care of your daughter, get the whole plan lined out before you speak to them about it, They want you to hold on, it is so normal, I'm guessing they want you to do chemo, I work in a hospital and know that the chemo can be worse than the cancer, and you sound like you know that to, but they dont, they love you sooooooo much and are just not ready, I'm a respiratory therapist and I have seen more than my share of people pass away, families have the hardest time preparing for death, they want to exhaust every avenue before they give up, this is so permanent to them, and they love you, why not find a counselor first and discuss it with them, someone nuetral will be much easier and can give you pointers on how to discuss situations with your family......

Answer 3

Firstly I empathise with your situation and understand only too well what you are going through. My Dad was diagnosed with Cancer in February this year and everyone was full of hope, but there were things that my Dad needed to discuss and he felt he couldn't but sweetheart when the time is right they will realise your need. Until then perhaps you can talk to one of the cancer councillors and write down your thoughts and wishes and approach your family when they see your side of things. travel safe and enjoy your life while you still have it... sadly my Dad passed recently but his wishes were carried out because he was able to eventually discuss his needs to us as his family. take care and be kind to you!

Answer 4

Allmy congratulations for your strenght and wisdom Your family is in denial They dont want to loose you Its normal But you have to draft a very good will well detailed about everything you want after your death Be very specific about what you want for your dauther And take la wyer to make your last will You are in my prayers