Marriage...?

Question

Okay ladies, I'm not trying to offend anyone here but what is the big deal about getting married before you get pregnant? Don't get me wrong- my boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years and we defiantly plan on getting married.. but wouldn't care if we got pregnant first. I understand the religious aspect of it... I am fairly religious (I believe in God, but don't follow the bible) but what about those of us who aren't? What about couples who do not believe that marriage is necessary if they're union is already strong enough? Seriously, in this day and age with divorce rates SO high... I just feel like bashing someone for having a baby out of wedlock is... pointless. If you love each other does it REALLY matter?

I'm just aggravated- I went to the docs today for a follow up from my miscarriage and when the doctor gave me a weird look after I told her we'd be trying to have a baby in the next couple months after she asked if I was married and I said no... I wanted to punch her

Thanks for all your answers, whether I agree with them or not. As I said, I fully plan on getting married.. so it has absolutely nothing to do with 'commitment' (which, like it or not... you can be committed to someone fully and NOT be married).. me and some of the people that replied to this question are proof. Commitment does not come from a ceremony and a piece of paper that does nothing but make your unity legal.. it comes from the heart.

Answer 1

I am not a lady, but maybe I can help answer your question.
Our society is 70 some percent christian. Most, if not all christian churches hold to the teaching that a child born out of wedlock is considered a bastard child. This is not seen as a good thing... so most people wonder why you would want to have a child with someone that you are not willing to marry? I have a sister who had a child with her first husband after her second husband had died. They live together and are considered married by the state by common law because they have been together for more than 7 years under the same roof, but they never wanted to get re-married. She was 42 when she had my niece. My parents had a hard time with it at first, but the rest of us didn't think to much about it one way or the other. I am sure that God doesn't care as long as you are committed to each other for life and are not insincere in your committment. The priest, judge, or minister is just a witness to your marriage anyways... it's god's blessing that is desired in matrimony anyways... if you are committed in your hearts, god will know and I am sure he will give you that same sacrimental blessing even if you don't get married in the church. The stigmatism of the different name than your dad or mom as the case may be is still out there though, and parents should give a little consideration to what their kids will have to endure because of their lack of ability to step up to the plate and accept the normal practices of our society and just go along! Why is that such a big deal to do anyway?

Answer 2

Baby girl, a baby wont make a marriage work or not work, their are people who get married and as soon as the baby comes they get a divorce and there are some who have a baby thinking they will get married and it never happens. Both a baby and a marriage take up a lot of time and a lot of work. So if neither one of you are ready leave it alone, I am a Christian woman and i probably should not say this but you are you and no one can live your life for you. You know what the bible says and its your choice if you want to follow it or not. We all have to answer for what we do on earth one day and if you feel like having a baby out of wedlock then you know that you will have to answer God for that if its right or wrong for every body else we don't have a Heaven or Hell to put you in so dont worry about any body else and what they think because we all have fallen short of Gods glory in one way or another.

Answer 3

Franky, I don't care what people do. As long as you can take of the kid, you go ahead and have as many kids out of "wedlock" as you want. It's really no skin off my back (I'm not religious, and I don't care).

But, I just think it's funny when you all claim your relationship is so "strong" that you don't need to be married. If it were so strong, wouldn't you not be afraid to get married at all? I sure as hell know I wouldn't share half my chromosomes with someone if I'm not willing to sign a piece of paper. You can get divorced. You can't give back kids you make with someone you might end up easily breaking up with 5 years down the line.

Keep in mind though, this is just me we are talking about. I'd just rather commit to a marriage I can get out of before I commit to kids I can't. You do whatever you want to though. Good luck.

Answer 4

I see your point about people having children who are in stable relationships but not married. The problem is when the couple is not stable. It is selfish to bring an innocent baby into a situation where the child may end up without a mom/dad in their lives every day (if the couple splits, or have an on/off relationship). With that being said, many married couples are not stable enough to be parents either & many marriages with kids involved will end in divorce. But I think when the couple is married they are sort of proving that they have every intention of staying together & creating a stable, safe environment for a child to grow up in without a lot of turmoil causing problems in their kids' lives. Also in the case with unwed couples, many times it is unplanned pregnancy. At least going into marriage *most people* discuss children & how they would be raised, etc.

Answer 5

Wedding or no wedding, that's entirely up to you. Vows to stay together, forever in good times and bad times, to be loyal, supportive and loving, PRIOR to having a baby? ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL! If you are still ascertaining whether the relationship is strong enough to last and not end in divorce, why are you contemplating a child? Be sure, make a commitment, (formal or informal) then try for children. Unfortunately some people see marriage as the only form of commitment. Try a little tolerance.

Answer 6

There's no point in taking it personally. Each person has their own sets of values and they aren't always very open-minded when people differ from their own ideas. It would be the same if you were a white girl dating a black guy... some people have a problem with that. Or if you were a gay couple trying to have a baby... some people have a problem with that, too.

I agree with you. What's the big freaking deal? I don't see it. I am very open-minded. I say, do whatever is right for YOU, not everybody else. Who cares if people give you goofy looks? They'd give you a goofy look if you chose to wear a pink skirt with an orange polka dotted blouse, too! Or if you dyed your hair purple. Everybody has their own ideas of what is acceptable.

You can't control other peoples perceptions. Do what makes you happy!

Answer 7

Let me ask you this: If you really love each other, then why not get married? If your love for one another is so strong, what are you waiting for? Marriage is a sign of your commitment to one another.

If you plan to stay together for the rest of your lives, then what are you waiting for... get married!!! If you are having doubts, or don't want to get married because divorce rates are really high, and you think you might one day want to get a divorce, then don't have kids!!! Divorce is not an option. With child raising, kids need the security of knowing their parents will always be there for them.. TOGETHER.

So, I say, do it! Get married and try for another baby :) Best of wishes to you!

Answer 8

I completely agree with you. If you are in love and committed then the marriage ceremony its self all it does is change your title and give you a piece of paper. I also recently lost a baby and a person I barely know kept telling me I am going to hell for sinning and conceiving that child. A friend of mine is from europe and her parents have been together for 30 years and she is 22 years old but they didn't get married until she was ten and that was only to move to america. And they are more committed then anyone else I have ever sseen and for over half of their relationship they werent married.

Answer 9

I agree with u on this.. It's true what's the point in getting married and losing the whole relationship when two people are just as happy as a married couple already and as far as the pregnancy part as long as the child will get all the love and all his needs are fulfilled than it's not a problem...

Answer 10

I think most people, including myself, think that if you can't commit to marriage with the person whom you're having a baby with, are you guys really committed to staying together. Lots of people raise kids in a single parent household and the kids end up just fine but of course it's better if it's a two parent household. To each his own though. Just because I think people should be married before having kids doesn't mean that it wont work out fine for people who aren't married, it's really just a person's personal beliefs.