How do I trust my husband again?

Question

My husband and I were separated on the verge of divorce when he was involved with another woman. He asked me to leave because we were destroying the relationship, which I agree but never wanted to leave. Months went by when he finally decided he wanted to stay married and asked me to come back home. I didn't want to leave in the first place so I was happy that he wanted to stay married.

Since being back in the house I've had a difficult time dealing with the facts that SHE was here, living in my home, sleeping in my bed, and was emotionally and sexually involved with my husband. At times I feel foolish for coming back because SHE is still brought up and things are still found (not going into detail here).

So, my question is how do I get past this and trust him again.

Answer 1

I will take along time for you to trust him again. You might find you will never trust him again. The really best thing to do is both of go to relationship counselling. It will help you too overcome any issue and to be honest with each other the real reason why your husband did what he did.

Answer 2

There has been quite a bit of damage done here. You have
experienced some devastating pain.

It is not up to you to trust your husband again. Your husband
needs to EARN your trust back.

If I were you ... I would NOT have moved back in the house without having gone through some marriage counseling.

Also ... since you are still finding "her" belongings ... that is
another issue that needs to be dealt with. It is possible that
you two can move into another house??? (And why is "she"
still being brought up??? Are YOU bringing her up ... Or is
he??? Either way ... That is NOT good!

If your husband is serious about reconciliation .... Then he
should be prepared and willing to do WHATEVER it takes!

You emotional comfort and security should supersede EVERYTHING.

You two have a LOT of work to do .... And I believe that you
are going to need some help.

Answer 3

First of all, it will take a long time to trust him again and only if he earns the trust. Think I might sell the home and move somewhere else so you two can make a new start without the memories; sell the bed; anything that reminds you of it all. You need to get her 'out of your two lives' for good; and that means any evidence or material reminders.

And, as far as trust, also; only time will tell on that one; his actions will speak louder than any words he says. Don't feel foolish; you did nothing wrong. I know you feel like putting a big ' You Can Abuse Me; I'm An Idiot' sign on yourself, but it was he who chose to have an affair, not you. The ball may have been in his court while he was having the affair, but it is definitely in yours right now; as you can chose to stay or go.

Answer 4

Most likely you don't. Why feel guilty that you are hurt and can't get past the idea that your husband - the "forsaking all others" guy - has committed the ultimate slap in your face? He is the one that chose to go to the dark side so why beat yourself up? I find it hard to believe that this leopard will change his spots - he just wants to be somewhere that he feels comfortable. To err is human and to forgive is divine but to extract a measure of justice sure feels good too. Are you so undesirable that another man - an honest and loving man - would not be attracted to you? Sometimes in life when someone crosses the bridge - as your husband did - there is no road back. Do yourself a favor and ask him to leave until you are truly ready to have him back in your life. I personally don't think you will ever be able to look at him in the same light that you once did.. As a man - now divorced - I've been there and done that and "sometimes the hurtin' won't heal". Good luck and do be true to yourself.

Answer 5

It will be hard and take time, but if you are willing to make it work you have to push forward. Trust is the easiest thing to lose and the hardest thing to get back. I had a trust issue with my husband and still to this day its hard (its been over 6yrs). You find yourself questioning everything they do and that causes problems.. Personally I would go today and buy new bedroom furniture and then redo the whole house. I couldn't imagine being in your situation and living in the same house she lived in, but also think when she was there you were seperated when she lived there (if that helps any).

Just know its going to take time to move on and even then it will be in the back of your head at times.. You have to tell yourself its done an in the past...

Answer 6

I don't think anyone can tell you how to get past this. It is different for everyone. I feel for you, that you have to endure such heartache and pain. It is difficult enough to deal with an affair, let alone her being in the house that you shared and you know that she's been there replacing you in your own home. You really have to dig deep within yourself and be honest with yourself to see if you have the strength to get through this. Love can conquer anything and the situation you are in, will really test your love for him. Having said that ... he needs to step up and show his love for you as well. He should have made sure at least, the home was clear of anything that belonged to her. He needs to be sensitive of your feelings and not bring her up in conversation or any avenue for that fact. I can only think of how I felt when my wife cheated on me. I had to get rid of everything I had... even my clothes... because everything reminded me of her. I had to start totally fresh. I still have my days and it's been 4 years. She was my whole life. My heart aches to see someone having to go through this. If anyone needs a hug...it's you. As for trusting him again? .... search your heart and be honest with yourself .... you'll know if it's in you or not ... nobody will need to tell you. Just don't be afraid of the future ... when one door closes another one .. bigger and better opens. The one thing that I do know is this .... you must be one AWESOME lady to go back to him knowing what you know about her living in your home. Good Luck, Troubled. I'll say a prayer for you.

Answer 7

My question would be - what is HE doing to try to restore the trust? What has HE done to repair the hurt? What effort is HE making to help you feel more important in his life?
Darling, as hard as it sounds, it takes two to restore that trust, two to repair the relationship, and two to make the marriage work. If he's not putting an equal amount of effort in, you can't do this on your own. You will not trust again, and he will not be trustworthy. It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one for a divorce to happen.
You can try counseling - if he's willing - but if he's not, and just says you should just get over it, it is time to consider is it worth the pain?
Take care of you.

Answer 8

I read your previous question, and the replies. I don't think some people on here realise how you feel, but I do because I left my last husband for this reason. He knew I hated porn but still carried on, and seemed to prefer masturbating to having sex with me. I think you really need to talk to your husband about all this. The last time he said that he didnt want to talk about it, but all that has done is make you worry and worry about it. Its half a year now and you still are worryng. I understand that cos I was like it. I reckon he can't perform now with you because he probably does still masturbate and feels guilty. Anyway, the feeling when masturbating is different. I mean the pressure - maybe your vagina isnt so tight now after 3 kids. If you don't talk to him and tell him how insecure you feel it will eat you up inside and you will probably split up anyway. It wasnt fair for him to say not to talk about it. You NEED to, in my opinion. Good luck.

Answer 9

My opinion is that its not a matter of trust. You were separated at the time, therefore he wasn't cheating. Of course, not knowing details, I'm only going on what you wrote. I'm sure there is some kind of history of ??? that led to the separation. My best advice is to be open and communicate your feelings and hopefully he will do the same. Good Luck...I wish you the best!!

Answer 10

Sister you may never trust him again. It's possible but it will take some time. Maybe you two should consider moving. Seriously though. He has some pretty big gonads. Let me make sure I got this right,....He put you out of your house so that he could move his mistress in,.... you let him put you out "your" house,..he said for you to come back and you did,....now your finding it hard dealing with the fact that she was sleeping in your bed, and screwing your husband in the house that you are now back home living in? Damn! That dudes my hero! Can you ask him to email me please! I need a mentor who has a proven history of making a fool out of people!