How do I save my Marriage?

Question

OK. We've been getting into aruguments alot lately. I talk about how work is getting to me and he thinks i'm only drama. From my view i only seem to annoy him, I don't want him to solve my problems, I only want him to listen. Anyway we talk over the phone alot,being that he's a marine station on the other side of the country. So when an ex started sending me emails, just to say hi and wanted to know how things were going with me. I replied but after a week of conversating. I felt really guiltly knowing my husband wanted me not to ever talk with him again. So I stopped and told my husband. He responded with anger and was very hurt....and now wants a divorce. We always got into arguements and i knew we would recover, but this time I think it's over. But i honestly still love him. I tried to talk but nothing i say seems to help. I regret even opening the message. I don't have a clue what to do or say to make him stay. Your opinions please!

Answer 1

First, I would not listen to the idiots that answered that your husbands anger must must be because he's doing something wrong, like cheating. They don't know that!


I'm not surprised that he is angry about the e-mails. He is a man. He's on the other side of the country and you're here. That's a lot of separation! It's normal for a man (or a woman) to feel insecure if his wife is talking to an X .


You may think that your X is not interested in getting back with you but that may very well not be the case. I hate to say this, but if a man is looking for a friend, 99 times out of 100, he will look for a guy to be a friend.

Your X may say he's only interested in being a friend (it's possible but not likely) but probably he is testing the waters to see if you are interested in more than that. Your husband knows that (all guys do) and understandably felt hurt when he found out that you were e-mailing your X.

When someone is understandably angry, saying things like, that it was platonic, or I needed someone to talk to, only irritate the person more. It's better to just say, "I'm sorry.", and then listen to the person that is angry. When they get to the point where they ask you why you did it, then give your explanation.

Then, when the other person is done talking, tell the person, again, that you are so sorry that you did what you did, that you didn't want to hurt him and that you won't do it again. I've learned that when I made a mistake that this is the most effective way at regaining a good relationship with that person.

You may feel like you didn't do anything wrong because your intentions were pure but it was a mistake. I'm not criticizing, I do plenty of things that are mistakes, and then I just have to take my verbal spanking and try not to do it again.

Both you and your husband are under a lot of stress because he is serving his country so far away. I know that it is terrible for you to not have him with you, for many reasons. I suspect that he feels that way also.

It's true that you need to talk to someone who cares about you to tell them about your life and the difficulties that you're having. Guys usually have a hard time with this. We were taught that it is weak and unmanly to tell others that we are having problems.

The other thing about guys is that we were taught that if you have a problem, don't complain, fix it; and we are very fix it oriented. When we hear the woman we love telling us about problems she's having, we want to fix the problems or at least, to give her suggestions about how she can fix them. His saying that it's just drama may be his way of saying that it's hard for him to hear it.

For your husband to hear about problems that he can't fix because he's not there, may cause him to feel more insecure about whether you will stay with him. His asking for a divorce, may be because he feels insecure about your love for him.

Tell him how much you love him and how happy that you will be when he gets home. Ask him how it is for him there and try to be supportive to him. In a marriage, there are times when one person needs more support than the other.

No matter how bad you feel, this may be a time that you need to give him emotional support and not expect much in return. Then when he returns, things can get back to normal.

There is no way to get around it, being separated from your spouse for long periods of time is stressful on the relationship for both people. Maybe it will help to think about the wives whose husbands went to war in WW 2. Their husbands were gone for 4 years!

Focus on his needs, tell him that you love him very much and don't want a divorce, tell him how sorry you are that you e-mailed your X and that you won't do that again. You may have to tell him these things over and over again before he starts to feel good about your marriage again.

I don't know your husband, but the things I said would apply to any guy. My best wishes for you and your husband. I hate the advice that some people gave you to forget it and move on and that your husband is probably cheating anyway. Those are childish responses!

A marriage is wonderful but takes a lot of work. Before I got married I had heard that but didn't know what it meant. Now, I know that the work is internal. It's trying to understand the other person, trying to understand myself, learning to communicate effectively, and on many occasions, giving up my pride to apoligize when I made a mistake.

I really hope that you and your husband get through this and have a wonderful marriage for the rest of your lives. God bless you.

Answer 2

He's obviously been cheated on and hurt before. While I understand what you are saying, your husband has a pretty well high pressured job. So, he probably does put yours off as drama. Which is not right. I would ask him why he is just jumping straight to divorce without any other options, when you did come clean and were honest with him. Sounds like he may be feeling guilty about something or hiding something himself. You can't go back in a time machine and everyone makes mistakes. Ask him if he has ever done something he wishes he could take back. Make him listen to the full reason of why you opened it, and also why you told him, because you love him and didn't want to break his trust. Good luck.

Answer 3

Make it a point to go and talk to your husband in person. No more telephone calls. His imagination works over-time when he can't see you or touch you.
Tell your ex-husband that he is an EX for a reason and that you husband feels uncomfortable with you talking to him.
Tell your husband that you understand he feels betrayed and that you want to work at gaining his trust again. He can respond two ways,
1. Agrees to work things out.
2. Still wants a divorce.
If he choses 2 then get on with your life.
If he choses 1 start talking to each other instead of at each other. I mean by this that if you tell him something have him repeat it as he hears it. You do the same to him. Eventually you both will start hearing each other and communication will be open.
Good luck

Answer 4

Being separated like you are can lead to the arguments, you are both under stress. However, sometimes the other person is doing something they shouldn't be doing, which is causing their stress (hence he is cheating on you already and looking to blame it on you). By the way you say, when you are just having a conversation with him about your day, he gets upset and says you are all about drama. That is not the way to talk to your spouse, especially one you are separated from. He should lend an ear, then he could vent about his day too. Then you could both "hug" over the phone and talk sweet the rest of the conversation. Yes, you were wrong to read your ex's emails, well reading them wasn't wrong, but responding was. However, you did come clean and now he can't forgive and wants a divorce. Marriage is all about loving someone with all you have, if all it takes is a email to split the marriage up, I would say it was already over. That is just my opinion, that he is cheating on you. I don't know it, but I have been there before and that was my experience. Good Luck to you.

Answer 5

If your emails were innocent and you can show that they were, I think that your husband is just looking of an excuse to get a divorce. If you have no trust between the two of you than your marriage might as well be over. Tell your husband the truth and let him make the next move. It take two to make a marriage and if one wants out then all the love on your part won't make a bit of difference.

Answer 6

I wish I could be help, but honestly I think he wanted a reason to get out. And the ex emails seemed to be his excuse. Its hard to be in a marriage when one is away most of the time (My husband is Air Force not gone alot but he is gone more then I would like). We have had our problems and the military make marriage life in some cases even harder. I've seen it hundred times a husband deploys/tdy gets a taste of single life and the next thing you know the neighbors are seperated.
first thing I say is talk to him and ask him is it really over? What is really the reason its over? Is there no way to fix this? The only way to save your marriage is to talk and communicate to one another. No one here can help. If its really over it will be hard especially if you love him, but sometimes life doesn't work out the way we want it to and in most cases something better comes along. I truely believe when one door closes another opens and everything works out even if it takes time.

Good Luck to you and your marriage.

Answer 7

Sounds like your husband is eager to get things going with someone new. If you want to stay married... you don't have to get a divorce. You've done nothing wrong, and you have done nothing that warrants a divorce.

You and your husband need real marriage couseling. Not by some half-witted social worker, who tends to make sh!t worse with their pathetic understanding in phychology and human behavior. Don't waste time and patience on that. Take out a loan if your insurance won't pay it, it's worth it, get a real PhD, psychotherapist or psychyatrist or psychologist who believes in the sanctity and unity and permanence of marriage to counsel you both. It will take time, so an order of all yours and his patience will need to apply. Tell your husband that you're done floundering in this marriage if he is.

The reason for a true PhD in this circumstance is that rarely are marital problems from marriage. It's usually the problems we brought with us from our life before marriage that were never dealt with and winds up getting blamed on your spouse.

Answer 8

I guess many of us only learn until its too late--yes, you should have never responded to your ex---the sent out the invitation to your ex says that the door is open. Your husband is now struggling with trust issues--and since you are fighting, it isnt going to take all that much to throw in the towel.

tell your husband and say," yes, I realizee I should not have emailed back, but I knew it was wrong and I stopped, we never saw each other."

Tell your husband that you have been faithful, you love him, to give you a chance--that you want him more than anything. But since you now have trust compromised, your life will have to be a wide-open book to prove that you can be trusted. Ask him to not quit, that things have not happened in your marriage to cause divorce---ask, beg, to give it a chance and that everyone needs forgiveness (and yes, even him) that your marriage is worth saving.

Answer 9

In all honesty, it sounds like the problems started way before those emails, and maybe he's mad about something else. Maybe he's found someone else and trying to make you mad and leave, who knows with men?

You really should have asked about those emails before you opened them. With the other guy being an ex, that puts a man who is 100's of miles away in an awkward position, and he can't deal with it in person, so he gets mad. He has no clue , except what you say to him, that those emails were purely platonic. If they are innocent, forward the emails to him and let him read them.

Things are going to be stressful, especially when you both are so far apart. Maybe you need to join him whereever he is, even for a short time.....Good Luck

Answer 10

Your husband seems like he was looking for an excuse to get out of your marriage. The old cliche' "if you love something, let it go.... if it comes back it is yours, and if not, it was never meant to be"

Let him go.... you didn't do anything wrong. Talking to someone isn't the same as cheating or abusing a trust. If he truly wants a divorce because you emailed someone, maybe it is him that has the issues making your marriage work....