my husband has temper tantrums?

Question

Sometimes my husband gets upset, and when he does he is like a child having a temper tantrum. He throws things around (ie books off a desk) and kicks things (ie the wall) and slams doors. Today he knocked the bed room door into the closet door and the knob put a big hole in it.

Also, when he is upset he will be very mean to me. Like last night he asked me if I had some change cause he didn't have enough money for the bus... I said yes, but I wasn't sure how much. This morning he asked for the change, and I only had twenty cents but he needed forty. He got really upset and threw books around and broke the door. He got really upset and couldn't handle himself. He yelled at me: "with all the money you spend how come you can't have forty G-d da-n cents around here!" and he was very angry.

I don't appreciate how he makes me feel bad about something as stupid as this. He is home now and is still upset, because the day apparently got worse. Now he is moping in the bedroom.

When I got home from groceries he was here and really angry because of my gym membership bill that came.

I think his behavior is immature and it really hurts me. What shoud I do?

Answer 1

Tell him that you all need to go to some counseling before you end up leaving him. This is going to get worse and worse. Watch out for yourself. Don't take any type of abuse, emotional, verbal, or physical. He is doing all of them, he just hasn't hit you..... yet. Seek counseling now. If he won't go, go yourself. You need to talk to someone about all this. Please look out for yourself, no one should have to live like this.

Answer 2

Hi. Is your husband Bi Polar? He sounds a lot like my dad, who although has never been diagnosed as such (he's 83 years old, no one was "bi- anything back then, they were just called "crazy") but he is DEFINITELY bi-polar. He throws temper tantrums over the most insignificant things, sometimes over nothing. He walks around cursing to himself or at inanimate objects, and loves to rant on and on about anything. Then, at other times, he's sickeningly cloying and sweet. I don't know if this is your husbands problem, but what I can tell you is that it is NOT going to get better if you don't do anything. I'm pretty sure these people can be medicated if the condition is diagnosed, but that would involve his admitting that he's out of control, and then submitting to treatment. I definitely sympathize with you, as I have dealt with the same sort of ugly behavior, all my life. Unfortunately, you cannot divorce your parents, or I'd have done it years ago. His behavior has had a negative effect on my ability to have healthy relationships with men. Additionally, his harsh treatment during my youth has left me feeling indifferent towards children, and I will probably never have any. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Thank you for sharing your situation--your openness is key!

What you are experiencing is actually a very violent form of domestic abuse. My advice is to:

1) Get some counseling for yourself first. If your insurance doesn't cover it, consult your local social services for a no-fee option. A support group could be helpful, too. You need a support network--strength in numbers, and all that.

2) Set boundaries on the behavior using I language. For example, "When you lose your temper, I feel scared/abused (use your own words here.)" And let him know that his behavior needs to change or else (you decide what the consequences are, but don't be afraid to separate yourself from him). Suggest he get some anger management counseling. He obviously needs it.

3) If and when you feel scared, call for help right away. Don't be afraid to call 9-1-1. What he's doing is not only abusive, it's against the law (although it's only a misdemeanor, a little intervention would go a long way to modify his behavior).

4) Try to imagine your life without him because, unless he's the one in a zillion men, he'll go from hitting the doors and walls to hitting you, dear lady.

Hope that helps.

Answer 4

First of all, you should tell him how it makes you feel, calmly. Don't blame him, the point isn't to blame or be wrong. The point is for him to realize that you want a relationship where you protect each other, not hurt each other.

He will probably feel extremely guilty and project it on to you, as though you're the one making him feel that way.

It sounds like he had a crappy childhood. I imagine that when he had temper tantrums as a kid, he got away with things. So he's uncionciously doing it now because it worked in the past.

Be patient with him and tlak to him about it and let him know that you'd really like it to change. And work with him on how to change it. Then once he's agreed to the change, and a plan, when he gets upset, remind him of the plan and he will simmer down faster. Eventually, over the years, if he keeps working on it, he will get less and less upset.

Also, when he acts that way, don't give in and don't feel bad. That's the pattern he created with his parents. If you don't feel bad and let him just act like a big baby by himself, he'll lose the control it brings and calm down faster.

Answer 5

I would ask him why he acts like a freaking child when he gets angry. it is embarrassing for him and you. He needs to be a man and not act like a baby.

He has some insecurities and some issues...should have dated longer. Don't rush into any children is the best advise i can give.

Second he needs to get a better job. riding the bus? And he can't afford that.

He should join the military if he is doing that poorly. Maybe he will grow up?

You should try to talk with him and let him know how you feel about it. don't be condescending, like I am, your his wife so try and understand and get him to change.

It sounds like you too are going through hard times. if you lift him up he will strive to do better. There is always a great woman supporting every great man. if you make it through this hard time and work together you will be a stronger couple for it.

At the same time if he is not willing to help or work to make this a Happy home at some point it is time to go. he should never hit you and you should never drive him to want to hit you.

Those are deal closers.

Answer 6

My father is like this...and even now in his late 60's he still is the biggest walking 2 year old when he doesn't get his way!

What ever you do, don't let him push you around! Once you let him walk on you, you will always be his doormat...or worse, his punching bag!

Stand up for yourself. Tell him what a child he is being and that if he doesn't straighten up you're going to leave....I don't necessarily mean divorce (unless it's really that bad) but when he starts having a tantrum, leave the room...leave the house....go for a walk...whatever. Maybe if he doesn't have an audience, he will learn to grow up.

If he keeps up the emotional abuse, I'd start looking for a good counselor....someone to help you learn you are not the bad guy and not at fault.

Answer 7

Sounds like you married a kid, try marrying a mature man next time. I don't know what to tell your man other than life is going to kick him in the butt that's for sure. My real concern however is for you, they usually start out throwing temper tantrums but then wind up beating their wife & kids...You really need to re-evaluate your life with this "baby" your married to and make some decisions.

Good luck

Answer 8

I hate to break this to you, but these aren't temper tantrums. This guy has some serious issues of anger management. And he yells and throws things what happens when he starts throwing things at you? Or hitting you? This is how most domestic violence starts. You need help!!! He needs help!!! Get this as soon as possible for your sake!

Answer 9

He is intimidating you. If he is affecting how you feel, and he knows it, he is dumping his emotional garbage truck in your back yard. Ultimately, he has chosen this behaviour - maybe because it suits him in some way, but you have to ask, why? He cannot control his anger, so he offloads it then when others are involved, it doesnt seem to be his problem any more. He is an adult and adults should know how to control themselves. If he is continuing with this behaviour, it is because he has learned from others before and now reinforced by you, that this is acceptable or tolerated. If he stops getting the reaction he wants, his behaviour will change. Think what you want his behaviour to be towards you and tell him clearly. Otherwise, you will break

Answer 10

it goes beyond a temper tantrums. He sounds violent. I hope he has never hurt you. You need to move on and leave this crazy person to break and scream all he wants. As the saying goes, you are being taking advantage of because you let them take advantage of you. If you really love this person, go to counseling together and he might need additional treatment on his own. He is the one with the problem but you have to be there to support him. Good luck - you need it.

Answer 11

If you are worried about your safety, LEAVE NOW. This behaviour is not acceptable in an adult marriage. If you are sure that he will not hurt you talk to him about his anger problems and make him understand the you will not tolerate this behaviour from him any more if he wants to remain a couple. If you allow him to treat you this way, why would he change. It is up to you, either stop complaining about the problem or take action that will make a change in your life. There are anger management programs that your husband can take to control his behaviour.