Is lack of sex a reason for wanting to get a divorce?

Question

My wife and I have been married for a little under 2 years. I'm very frustrated with our sex life and she's aware of it but doesn't do anything to spice it up. We do it about once a week, maybe 2 if I'm lucky. It's the same ol' routine. It gets to a point where it's not as exciting doing it with her as it was. Sex is great in general but I don't feel what I should between us. Also, me making advances doesn't work at all. I go to hug her, kiss her, touch her sexually, and she does nothing about it. I go to kiss her sexually, and that lasts all of 5 seconds. And when we do have sex, the foreplay is almost non-existent. Sex shouldn't be everything in a relationship but it's very frustrating for me being married to her and not being able to do it often. I know it's not going to get better from here on out. Am I to stay with her when I know we'll pretty much have a non-existent sex life? There are other problem areas but a lack of sex or just physical activity seems to be the big one to me

Answer 1

You don't say how long you've been together, just how long you've been married. If you've been in a sexual relationship with her for four years or more, it is normal for her to lose the intense feeling of sexual bonding that popular culture calls, "being in love." If that is the case with her, then she no longer reacts to your advances the way she once did, and she doesn't know what is wrong, or what to do about it.

Nobody tells us about this phenomenon, so it catches most couples by surprise. She feels cold and guilty, you feel rejected and unsuccessful sexually. If you let things progress naturally, you may be headed for divorce.

If you both value your marriage, it is time to take action. Talk, talk, talk. Go to the library and get a copy of "Anatomy of Love" by Helen Fisher. She explains that what you're going through is perfectly normal. Your wife will never have that intense excitement she once had for you, but she probably still loves you very much. Explore each other's fantasies, play games, pretend to be someone new. There are a lot of things you can do to make things work, but you have to do them together.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Believe it or not, this is not a unique situation. As a matter of fact, most married couples go through it at one point or another. You mentioned that you have other problem areas, but you didn't say what they where. Maybe your wife is more concerned with those and feels you should be too. Men look at sex differantly than women do. For men, if they are having sex then they feel loved and everything is right in the world. For women, there is much more to love than sex. And this does cause huge marital problems.
I suggest without anger you should sit and try to talk about everything that is a problem, not just the sex and then both of you come up with the solution and remember, you are a team.
Have you sincerely asked your wife why she isn't feeling very romantic, maybe something happened or was said that has shyed her away for some reason.
Anyway, bottom line is, no sex is not a good reason for wanting a divorce, it is a very selfish one. If the sex stopped there is a reason and if you are only thinking of yourself not getting enough, then you will never find out the real reason that it has changed. I would say that something has changed in your wifes eyes that has shyed you away, so communicate, and be understanding and thing should get back to normal if you work together instead of against one another.

Answer 3

These days there are a lot of situations where the man wants sex and the woman is not feeling it. In your case, I know depression over work or lack of work can zap the sex drive. A man's value and sense of self worth comes from what he's accomplished and if he feels like a loser outside of the home it can affect him. Also if in any way you're making him feel like a loser inside of the home, he will become even more withdrawn. Stop seducing him. Start praising every good thing he does around the house. Start showing him that you respect him and you're standing by his side no matter what. You talking about an increased sex drive, that man will run home to you! You can do it HOT MOMMA! :) Just gonna take some patience and affirmation. Your sexual needs will have to be put on hold for a moment. This is rare these days with everyone saying for you to look out for yourself, but I want to believe that you're a lot bigger than that.

Answer 4

I know it seems like things will never get better. If you say that you put effort into it and she doesn't, maybe you're not giving her the type of effort SHE needs to see. Because if there's one thing I've learned after being with the same man for two decades, it's that people have very different needs. I'd say if you're having sex once a week, you're in the norm. I know that's sad to say--especially if you're in your sexual peak right now.

Things will never feel like they did when you were first dating and everything was new...unless she's the type of girl who likes to roleplay. There might be people out in the world who are better suited for you sexually, but keep in mind that they're not the person that your wife is. She's one of a kind! And although there's no denying that sex is very important to a relationship, it's not everything.

But that being said, you also shouldn't have to be miserable for the rest of your life either. If there was some way to change that, wouldn't you want to try it? Because you married her for a reason other than just the sex. If you could take that part of your marriage and tweak it just a bit, I'm sure you'd be much, much happier.

Her hormones/stress level/environment have a lot to do with it also. If you guys have kids and she's running after them all the time--if you don't help her out with the housework--if she has a sick family member or friend...all these things will take a toll on her, and you just have to be patient. But in the meantime, if you give her attitude about your lack of sex life, she'll only build resentment.

Also remember that you guys have been married two years--this is the time when the Honeymoon Period is over and you're just realizing what you've gotten yourselves into for the rest of your lives! I'm not perfect to my husband--I don't clean the house as well as he'd like and I'm more loud and crude than he'd like his wife to be. At first he used to complain about this all the time. As the years have passed, he realizes that it's just part of being me, and that he has his flaws too. We put up with each other because we love each other. Sometimes that's all that love and marriage boils down to!

Answer 5

1-2 times a week is not ideal, but it's acceptable. How old is she? Have you had kids recently? Longer hours at work? It could be lots of things, but try to understand why and do so using the head on your shoulders. If you are truly trying to spice it up, make sure you're doing what you should do. Remember, men and women are generally wired differently. If you want to get things rollin by getting her in a cat woman suit, putting in a porn, and bringing out the handcuffs while all she really wanted was a hot bath with a glass of champagne and a back rub...you will never get the response you want. I don't think that minimal sex is should be grounds for divorce. I think it could be a contributing factor. If she's a good woman and this is the only area that needs work, then you need to work it out. It's a lot easier to get libido going than it is to train a lifelong sex hungry b***h to be a companion.

Answer 6

Yeah... I know how you feel.
My ex wife got to the point where it became 5 minutes every 6 weeks, and then she got bored.
I eventually reached the stage where I had extra curricular activities, and didn't get caught.
After many years I fell in love with someone else and confronted the situation.
Turned out that she knew for years, but was OK about it as long as I didn't fall in love.
Too late.
Some women love sex, and some don't.
After the two year stage, things can die down a bit, but my advice would be that if it's an issue to you now, both go to counseling if you can't resolve your issues together, or consider divorcing.
Neither option will be easy.
Masturbation is unfortunately the most realistic and cheapest option.
You can divorce about lack of conjugal rights, so seek a solicitors advice (just make it the legal type) and I hope you get through it.

Answer 7

It sounds like your problem isnt just sex, but her lack of wanting to be intimate all together with you! Something is wrong when she doesnt enjoy your hugs and kisses and your overall affection. This sounds like a very frustrating relationship. It also sounds like something might be going on with her. Do you think she may be cheating on you?! I know girls crave affection from their lovers and when they dont get it, they get moody and sad. But your wife is not giving you any affection and she doesnt enjoy the affection you give her. It sounds like a person that is cheating! I'm sorry to say it, just sounds like it.

It is also disturbing that you are having these problems when you have only been married to her for under 2 years! Did this stuff happen when you were dating? How old are you two? Something doesn't add up here.

Everyone needs affection, and in your case, you really want a better sex life with her. Maybe she has a problem with her hormones. She might have an inbalance of her hormones or she may lack testosterone (yes women have it too) that is causing her sex drive to be non-existant.

When you get married, from a guys standpoint atleast, you should know you are going to get less sex than you did before. But if it is so bad that you are frustrated and thinking about a divorce, then something is wrong!

You should try to find out why she doesnt want to have sex and be intimate with you before you think about divorce.

Answer 8

This is to all you men out there that ask these kind of questions...
1. Women reach their sexual peak at a later age then men do!! DEAL WITH IT!!
2. When women are in a satisfying sexual relationship, they naturally want it more!!
3. Women are mentally and emotionally turned on where as men are visual and physically turned on.

With those three things in mind here are your answers.

1. Not a whole lot you can do about this one.
2.Maybe, just MAYBE you are the problem not your wife!!! DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT YOU ARE THE PROBLEM???? MAYBE YOU DON'T PLEASE HER!!
3. Use your words!!! Say romantic stimulating things to your woman! Women DON'T like it when you come up to us while we are doing something and then you start slobbering all over us and trying to get busy!! Timing is everything!

As for foreplay- some women don't like foreplay! You say the foreplay doesn't last long?? Foreplay lasts as long as you want it too!!! Some women are self conscious, tell her how beautiful she is ALL THE TIME, NOT just when you want some!!!

BY THE WAY WHEN DID ONCE SOMETIMES TWICE A WEEK BECOME A NONEXISTENT SEX LIFE??

As for divorce, honey, the sex WON'T last forever anyway!!! One day you WON'T be able to get it up.

MARRIAGE IS NOT about getting to do it all the time!! It's about a bond you share, goals you share for your life together!!!!!

Answer 9

Whoa...hmm i think life from that point on would be over for me..lol, Maybe im wrong but in my book sex is EVERYTHING!!! My husband put out a question the other day about the opposite..im the 22 year old crazy one that cant stop having sex..lol.. The truth is that if your partner isnt willing to met you in the middle then you are with the wrong person, a relationship is about love, familly, love maaking u always need spice, and once u lose it, its a long road to nothing. Think about it this way, what is going ot happen in time when you met another woman whom you feel very attracted too? your gonna try to get what ur missing at home, dont do that to yourself or your relationship!!! My husband works his *** off to satisfy me, but if your spouse isnt doing the same thing, then maybe you do need to get out of that relationship before u go out lookin for something else. Its sad cuz cheating is the worse thing ever but its gonna happen eventually if shes not tryin to do her job!!!

Answer 10

I am married and have been for 4 yrs tomorrow.. i love my husband deeply but we weren't having the greatest luck in the bedroom either, things have changed now, sometimes you guys should just talk to each other about things, ask her what she would like you to do in a sexual way and maybe you can explain to her how to maybe tickle your fancy a little more...

sex isn't everything but it is important in a healthy relationship, if talking the situation out sill doesn't help then maybe seeing a relationship counselor and or a sex therapist would help out majorly.. also maybe she isn't as interested in sex because of some hormone levels or something with her check out all your options before you mention divorce

and

if sex is the biggest issue to you and to her sex is not then that could be your problem also, try working on the other problems cuz stress and stuff like that are major turn offs for a sexual partner wether it is your spouse or not