My husband is infertile and really does not want children. How do I cope with this?

Question

We purchased a home almost three years ago and expected to have at least one child by now. However, a little over a year ago, we found out that we have a very slim chance of having a child. He deals with it in his own way that seems very insensitive to me at times, and I hurt everyday because of it. We do not want to adopt, although it is very noble, it is just not for us. I am so sick of people's "home remidies" such as, tequilla, relaxation, a hot bath, stand on your head, etc. I want to tell people to just stop asking and stop the recommendations! Neither of us like our jobs and we are almost ready to just leave the entire area to do something completely different. Life just really stinks and it shouldn't. I'm only 29! How do I cope?

Answer 1

Well, I am really feelin your idea about just leaving everything behind to do something else.

If you are unable to have children, so be it. You are still young and you never know what the future holds for you. Maybe in time, you will know why.

I think it is a marvelous idea to sell the house and do something that may be out of the ordinary people. Especially if you are both unahppy in your careers. Try taveling abroad for a year. Move to another country.

If you stay where your at, try adopting a dog or cat, they are kind of like children. Also in some areas you can adopt monkeys!

Good luck, I wish you the best in whatever your future holds!

Answer 2

If you read your own letter, you will probably realize that karma has a way of handling people's lives. You both are not ready to be parents no matter what the reason. You don't like your jobs and are ready to pick up and take off?! What kind of maturity does that show? And people do not give any remedies/ideas unless you have been whining and moaning and asking them their opinions. Have you heard the riddle: "What makes God laugh?" The answer is very true: "Listening to people's plans for their life." You truly sound immature. Sorry. But you are 29, married, own a home....do the words: Hurricane Katrina? Cancer? 9-11 victims? bring you to a bit of reality. Life really does NOT "suck" for people who appreciate what they DO have! There is another problem as well. You said that he says he really doesn't want kids. Now he COULD be saying that to cover his true feelings of disappointment in which case you should be thinking about his emotions right now. He might be feeling very insecure and inadequate because you're making such a huge issue. And there's no training manual for dealing with big things like this that can occur. OR - perhaps he really doesn't want kids, in which case you two must not have talked honestly to each other prior to marriage. The fact still remains that you are not mentioning a split -up , and you speak of moving TOGETHER so you must still want to be in the marriage. Ask yourself one basic question: "Did I marry him because I LOVE HIM" , or did you marry him just for breeding purposes? If you love him, accept that you might be on a lifelong honeymoon together and deal with it! If you want kids NO MATTER WHAT, then be fair to him and seek a lawyer. You should be warned, though, that you could end up being a lonely old woman, still childless, and very bitter.

Answer 3

So I take it u want a child and he doesn't. Did u 2 discuss the child thing b4 u got married? Cuz if so and he now says no thats kinda not fair to u, I understand he's infertile but yes there are ways around that. Ur only 29 if he has his mind set on no kids u really need to think about that cuz u still have alot of life to live and would u be able to go ur whole life w/o having that child u want?

I would let him know how u feel about this becuz its not fair to keep him in the dark about something that really bothers u. Being married is all about compromise both have to give a lil to make the other happy even if its something ur against but thats love sacrificing for the other. Good luck

Answer 4

See, this "really doesn't want children" part is the upsetting thing. If this is the case, you really have to rethink your priorities or your marriage. This is something that should have been worked out before you got married. Of course you probably couldn't have known he was infertile but his feelings about being a father should have been discussed. You have every right to be a mother. If he is being insensitive to your needs, perhaps counseling is in order. Moving to a new area is not going to change the problem it will just change the landscape.
You are young. Dont just sit back and let life pass you by.

Answer 5

I am very sorry about your husbands um problem. Maybe you can get a job at a day care. Then you could be around kids. Be a big sister some a child in need of adult companionship. I had a child at 18 with my then husband and we tried for almost 7 years for another and it didn't happen. Seems it was something wrong with me. Your husband may be feeling like he isn't a man if he can't father a child. Did you talk of having kids before you got married? Talk to him and maybe suggest counseling. I hope that this doesn't hurt your marriage any more than it might have already.

Answer 6

He's infertile and doesn't want kids. You do want kids and are hurt over the inability to have children with your husband. You are also sick and tired of people giving advice to you regarding a very personal and tender subject.

First off, you did go a fertilty specialist to determine that there would be a slim chance of pregnancy?

Secondly, it doesn't really matter because your husband DOES NOT WANT a child. You said he does not want kids, so he is not being insensitive to the situation, the situation just simply doesn't bother him.

So, you need to choose. You can stay with your husband and have a life together with no children or you could leave him for a man who can give you children.

If you decide to stay with him, its no one else's business why there are no kids in the house. If people ask, simply tell them that its a personal choice. No need to go into details.

If you are both unhappy, you could sell the house and start over somehwere else. Theres no law that says you have to have kids to be happy and no law that say you have to stay where you are.

Answer 7

You are right home remedies are not the answer here. I can only assume that you have consulted an infertility specialist (doctor) and worked on things that can improve your husbands sperm production. They can also help with egg production and zygote implantation issues. There is one underlying message that you have and that is your husband doesn't want children but I'm not sure that is what you mean. Perhaps he doesn't want to raise someone else's' child??? If you truly mean that he doesn't want children and you do, you should have discussed this prior to getting married...did you? If you did and the answer has changed then you need to find out why and if you have philosophical differences on the subject then you need to consider whether you want to stay with your husband or move on. Life doesn't stink if you know what to make of it.

Answer 8

First off, people need to "butt out". You don't owe them an explanation of your husband's medical difficulties, just tell them "if it happens, it happens".

Second - do YOU want a child? If you do, you have a problem on your hands. At some point, you need to decide if you will be ok staying in a childless marriage, or if having children is important enough to you to leave your current partner and look for someone who can/wants to have kids. Not an easy predicament, and no one but you can make the determination of what is more important.

Answer 9

You are taking life way too seriously. Not being able to have children is as trivial as not being any good at skateboarding. It is not that big a deal.

Go on great vacations, and get that passport filled with stamps. Why do you need children?

One in five women, in the USA will choose not to have children even though they can. Your hubby does not want them. You won the lotto and don't even know it. The number of men that don't children is less than one in five, you are very lucky to have him. Just keep worrying about trivial things, like having children, and some other woman will take him off your hands.

Children are overrated. Why put yourself though that burden?

Answer 10

Start by asking yourself if you can never have children will you still want to be amarried to him. If you answer yes then start doing activties that bring you closer even something as simple as taking walks together. You can consider moving but take your time and make sure it is to someplace you both really want to move to. Your right 29 is far too young for life to stink so go change it for the better. easier said than done i know