Advice from Indians needed?

Question

I'm an American married to an Indian man. Need advice on how to handle his mom. We get along fine but she does not know when to butt out. Like:
1. We have a 7yr old, facing medical problems, trying for 2nd one. She hears messages doctor leaves for me, wants me to change to female doctor, wants to know my "dates".
2. Even after 9 or 10 pm, she is still around in the living room, leaving us no time to talk as husband & wife or watch a movie together.
3. I'm cooking, get a call, it is private, she stands and listens to all my conversation.
4. My kid comes from school, upset about something, when I'm listening to her, mother-in-law interferes even before my kid is done talking. Then, my kid clams up.
5. My husband prefers to eat breakfast at his work, even if there is lots of it at home. she nags me no end about it.
6.He goes out with friends once in 3-4 weeks for a beer bash. She nags ME about that.
7. I got my hair cut short, she nags me.

Any suggestions?

According to my husband, this is how it is. It cannot change, and she cannot be expected to change in any way.
He was not in favor of her staying with us in the first place, it was I who naively insisted she should stay with us.

In our house, life happens in the living room, we talk there, watch movies, that is where the big screen TV is.
I cannot schedule when my kid wnats to talk to me, and then drop everything to go out in the car. I expect most conversations with my kid will happen at the kitchen table, at snack time and AT home.

I did create the situation. But, I do have the option of uncreating it, and my husband feels it is time to ask her to move out. I'm trying to see if that can be avoided. If not, she is definitely moving out.

Answer 1

Well,there isn't much you can do,is there?She's totally bossing you around.She should have realised that she's now in YOUR house and you're the boss.Are you telling me that you took it lying down all this while?You were waay too nice to her.

I'll tell you what you need to do.You and your husband need to talk to your MIL and explain all this to her-especially about the kids coz I think its very important that only parents discipline their kids(Grandparents exist to spoil them :) ).About the phone call-I don't think she intends to listen in on your convo's;she probably doesn't know proper etiquette(no offense).

So,as I was saying,talk to her.She might feel hurt for a short while,but its the best thing to do.I know coz thats what my mom and dad(who're both Indian) did.

Answer 2

Here's the problem- You and your family have become her occupation. It's the only purpose she has in life right now.

The solution is for her to get involved with other people besides you and your family. If she had other friends to talk to and do things with, you would have the precious space you need.

When you took her into your home, she probably thought she'd be treated as a respected elder whose opinion would matter in all things. She would have some measure of control, and she would be important.

Now, you're stuck with her...but get her involved in the community somehow. She must have an interest or a hobby you could help her pursue. Does she drive? Make sure she does, and get her some friends from India to share common ideas with.

Help her get a life of her own beyond your home, and you'll have some of your private time and space back.

Answer 3

I appreciate your efforts in wanting to have good relations with your in-laws. I am an Indian, and can understand your situation. Like most others on the bulletin board, I agree she won't change, but whats the harm in trying...I am sure you can be diplomatic and let her know what bothers you. But here's the thing...do let your husband know that things have reached at a stage where its really affecting you, and that you are going to speak with her and nicely let her know what bothers you.

Politely, but firmly, let her know (the next time she listens to you doctors messages)...that you appreciate her concern, but that if there is anything about my medical issues, that I would prefer that I let the family (her) know. Let her know that you are not used to anyone (including your mom) listening to your personal messages, or asking you personal questions...repeat again that you respect her, appreciate her concern, but you would rather not discuss personal stuff.

If she's standing besides you when you are on a personal call, look at her, smile, mute the phone, excuse yourself, tell her that you will be back in a minute (say it with a smile)...and continue the conversation in the other room...she will eventually get it.

About q's related to your husband, before she starts, you can start telling her that you've been telling him that she (mom-in law) is not happy with some of the things he does...tell her that you've tried and he doesn't listen. Tell her, that why don't you try and ask him to change...she'll be flattered, and then sit and watch the mother and son discuss, whil you relax and sip your tea ;-)

About the kid, hmmm...I don't know how to handle that one ..sorry.

Trick about dealing with Indian mom-in-laws is being very sweet, showing respect, and still diplomatically being able to do what you want.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Nothing you can do to change her, sorry... but just relax and don’t take it too serious.
Most mothers in law are just like this, it doesn’t matter the nationality.
And she wouldn’t understand your quarrels, as she doesn’t think that she nags on you, all she wants to do is help you to live your marriage in the "right way"....
The best thing you can do is ignoring her nagging and try to get along well with her.
Maybe it would be more efficient, if you would ask your husband for some help. He could talk these issues over with his mom.
But older people have different points of view and for her your husband will always be his little baby and she will always think, that she will have to guide you...
I don’t like to be harsh with older people; I always tried to manage these things with humour.
Maybe you could find her some nice ladies of her age and she could have some own life, because many times older ladies focus a lot more on their children as they really would like to just because they feel alone and don’t have anything else to do during the day.
Find her some alternatives, so she will forget about you and won’t have so much time to nag on you.
What to you think???
Otherwise just try to ignore these comments and try to involve her in some family activities with her grandson.

Answer 5

In Indian culture, there is no concept of privacy in a marriage unless the husband sets boundaries with his family. Parents like to get involved in everything which can work either to one's advantage or disadvantage. It seems like your mother-in-law is bored and is trying to occupy herself by providing advice which Indian parents, inlaws and grandparents often do, whether the advice is asked for or not. Additionally, most Indian mothers-in-law almost always have problems with the daughter-in-law no matter what and cannot relinquish the control that they had over the son.

It is wonderful that you want to maintain a good relationship with your mother-in-law. When she questions you about your husband's day-to-day activities, it would be easier for you to direct those questions to him in her presence, so that he can answer his mother, without your having to explain his behavior to her. If you would like to spend some quiet time with your husband, it is best to go to your room and watch TV.

Engage your mother-in-law in activities that you think that she would enjoy but you could set limits on the time that you spend together. Most older Indian women love to cook and like to provide advice about cooking, maybe you could learn some recipes from her, which would make her realize that you appreciate her input and make her feel useful. That might make the nagging stop.

Answer 6

If your husband is willing to move out your mother-in-law then I guess that would be better option. See if you can try to speak to ur husband if he could sort things out to his mom, coz if u interfere in this maybe things would go haywire, if he is willing to talk may sure he does it in ur presence and if possible make it a conversation and not an arguement. Explain her that each and everyone as their own lives to handle and that its pointless if she is nagging u for her son's deeds. I do agree with ur husband that it would be hard to change her behavior but if talked things out MAYBE it could work. And if not then ask ur husband to source some things better for her where she doesnt interferes in ur personal life.... All the best!! I hope things works out.

Answer 7

I am an Indian so I know what you are saying. Well things are not gonna change. This lady will not be able to change herself and you have no choice but to put up with all this. Otherwise you can live seperately (which acording to me is not a right thing to do to your parents who have done so much to bring you up)

The only alternative you are left with is accept this and try to change yor attitude to this


Bye the way, Indian American match is not a good one if the guy has to live with the family

Answer 8

ya, "saas"(indian word for mother in law) can be really annoying!
To tell u the truth, u cant do much about it, see if your son can engage her and keep her busy at night by telling his grand mother can u come to my room and read me stories and sleep beside me, as indians are really family oriented, she would love to...! u can give the doctor ur mobile no. so only you can operate it....is your husband aware of all this? if yes, see if he can engage her into some yoga classes or something so she stays peaceful and stays out of ur bussiness for sometime, and plz, u should'nt ask her to this coz then she will nag u by saying you want me to get out of the house and all! When uve got a private call, say out loud,"hold on *name of the caller*, i cant get the signal, let me try from somewhere else"!

Answer 9

This seems of a case of an ordinary Indian woman who is mother-in-law and has such kind of behaviour. Your case is good according to American lifestyle. This is inevitable in such kind of cultural variations.
Only both way true love may improve your life better. Live loving family life. Bit difficult but not impossible in the interest of an extended family which has many advantages.

Answer 10

1. Your husband knows his mother and if he wants her out then you should help her pack. If you want a little peace only thing you can do on some things is ignore and cut her off.
She nags about her son, = take it up with him it's out of my control. If need be let her call him on his cell phone

She doesn't like your hair cut= You like it and that all that matters end of story.

She cuts off your child= You reprimand her and tell her not to interrupt your daughter when she is speaking to you.

I would tell her that you are making up some house rules want to know what rules she would like to add. This would make for a better running home.