How do I make my husband understand that I don't like sexual relations?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and I love him to death...we have a very comfortable and open relationship. The problem is that he LOVES foreplay, sex, etc. I, on the other hand, do not.

I have tried hormones, depression treatment, toys, porn, and the list goes on, but the fact of the matter is I don't like it. Personally, I think it takes to long (I don't mind, even prefer, the quickies) and it seems pointless to roll around in the sack getting all sweaty and yucked up.

We've discussed this many, many times, and I always end up trying to force it to appease him, but then I slowly begin to wane and go back to my 'norm'. He says that he feels a distance between us because I prefer quickies and I don't want to do foreplay or have 'lasting' sex. And the cycle keeps repeating itself.

I would rather not focus on the sexual relationship & focus on the bonds that we have, but he doesn't see it that way.

He is my best friend:-) How can I help him understand?

Generally, we have sex 3-4 times a week. I do participate so that he feels like I am into it, so I don't just lay there, but I still don't care for the act in and of itself.

Personally, I would rather schedule it in, lol, but seriously, I know that is not an option.

I know it sounds selfish, but I don't want to 'learn' to appreciate it either.

I just want him to accept that I don't like it, cut out the foreplay, get his release, and be done.

Seems a clarification is needed:

I do participate in foreplay even though I can't stand it, so that my husband gets his 'closeness' as well. I just want him to understand that I don't like it and to quit harping on me thinking that I should like it and that something must be wrong if I don't.

Answer 1

y cant women jus say NO to there husbends??? sweetie ur husbends the 1 whos selfish not U!!! u NEVER gotta have sex with ur husbend when u dont want it... if he wants it an u dont thats HIS problem NOT URS... start sticking up for urself an worry bout UR needs.... NOT HIS.... jus start refusing him from now on... jus learn to say NO!!!! take care of urself 1st... good luck...

Answer 2

Your question is interesting in that it's usually the woman who wants a more involved sex life. Have you considered counseling? I guess I'm confused--you indicate that you don't like it, but you are still having sex 3-4 times a week? Your husband doesn't seem especially deprived. At the same time there seems to be some underlying issue here that needs to be addressed. Not to alarm you, but what others have said here is right: You are setting yourself up for your husband to have an affair. Communication is key. You've got to work toward compromise. This is the sort of thing that can kill a relationship.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. I am sure that must be very difficult for both of you.

Your question was, how do I make my husband understand that I don't like sexual relations. It's hard to make someone understand anything. Many times we all are the way we are and we just want the other person to "get it", but because they are so different, it is very hard to do. In this situaation, you don't really "get it" why he is so persistent and is wanting it so often, and he doesn't "get it" why you don't.

It sounds like there needs to be a compromise here. I don't know how old the two of you are, but my husband turns 39 tomorrow and I am 36. On average we are intimate once per week. The reason why? Neither one of us really want it any more than that. Maybe you just need a break from sex. Tell him, let's try going for a week or two without it and see if I get in the mood. I can tell you right now that if my husband approached me as often as yours does..I wouldn't be wanting it either. I am just wondering why you are having to do something so often that you don't like to do??

What was it like when you were dating? Was sex something you enjoyed then..( that is if you were intimate before marriage). If so, then it isnt' that you "don't love it". It's something else...maybe getting pressured to do it too often...maybe his type of foreplay doesn't excite you...It could be so many things.

But seriously, I really would tell him that you want to be more into sex, but that you want to try waiting longer to see if your libido goes up a bit. I hope he will respect that.

I'm sorry. I know that your question was about helping your husband to understand that you don't like sexual relations, but I think the fact that you don't enjoy it at all, might be as simple as too much sex. I'm sure there is a part of you that would like to enjoy this much more than you do. I hope this helps in some way. Good luck....sex sometimes wears out its welcome too. Not everyone is the same...some like it several times per week,..others much less.

Answer 4

You have yourselves in an untenable situation: sex is a healthy necessary part of any marriage...it strengthens the bond of intimacy between two partners, and reinforces ones sense of being appreciated and validated, but you just want to be pals. OF COURSE he doesn't see it that way, and frankly, most people don't either. The question therefore is this: Do you have any inkling how you developed an aversion to sex in the first place? Because unless your husband is truly an extraordinary individual your relationship is not likely to last unfettered in its present form. (I would imagine hearing this from his wife makes him indescribably sad, and saying this to your husband must make you enormously uncomfortable.) Have you always felt this way? The reasons why the things you've tried had no effect is because there's nothing physiologically wrong with you; this is a behavioral issue and you would probably benefit tremendously from a psychological assessment that helped you get at the root of this issue. Obviously quick-fixes won't work; they're like superficial bandaids that aren't well-suited to the task. But once you understand where this originated in you, then you can more effectively devise a strategy to deal with this. Good luck to you both.

Answer 5

Quality is better than quantity when it comes to sex. Even though you don't like the sex act, you are still willing to satisfy your husband's needs and that's all one can ask. He may associate your dislike for sex with himself, somehow thinking that he's the problem, when that's not it at all. You simply don't like the mechanics of sex, which is totally different. Feeling the way you do, you're actually doing good to have sex with him 3 or 4 times a week. You must really love this man. Be sure he knows you do.

Answer 6

WOW let me ask you this how would YOU feel if he stoppe hugging, kissing, complimenting, and telling you he loves you?? You better realize something real quick or you won't be married for long he NEEDS sexual relations with you it connects him to you and he knows when you are fakeing it and it makes him feel bad. Maybe you have self-esteem issues which is a common cause for women having low sex drive. You can't make him understand something that is bred into his DNA he looks at your lack of sexual desire as lack of love and respect for his needs and don't think he won't eventually crack under the pressure and get those needs met somewhere else. I know I sound harsh but you need a reality check when you married him you gave him your body. Maybe suggest he start "dateing" you again to stir up some of those old passionate feelings and remind yourself all day of his wonderful qualities. I do want to add however in your favor that 4 times a week is much ask him to rotate twice one week and 3 times another so you don't get wore out and atleast you want to make him happy.

Answer 7

You can't. There are 3 big killers to any relationship:

1. Communication
2. Finances
3. Sex

If one of these is out of whack, it stresses the other two and creates tension and pressure in the relationship. ultimately, if not corrected, it will kill the relationship.

As a man, much of his self-esteem is based on his ability to keep these 3 things in balance (though it take both people in a relationship). When there is a problem with one, it directly affects his self-esteem. ESPECIALLY sex!

There is a reason that you do not find pleasure in sexual relations. Seeking to identify and address this issue is paramount to the survival of your marriage. Only a licensed counselor can help you with this.

If this is NOT something that you want to address, there are more modern options available. You and your husband can share intimacy, while utilizing a surrogate sex partner. You might even consider Swinging. It will give him release and open up new avenues of exploration for the both of you.

And I am asking this in all sincerity and honest: Have you ever considered that you might prefer the touch of a woman?

Answer 8

Counseling. Stat. Obviously sex is an important part of the relationship to him and there is nothing wrong with his feelings. It sounds like he really tries to make it fulfilling for you too. I think the only thing that would help both of you is counseling.

He is your husband, he wants you. I just can't fault him for that. I presume you knew he enjoyed that aspect of the relationship before you got married. Definately time for marriage counseling.

Answer 9

You honestly may have to let him have an open relationship. Just as long as with the other women it is only sex and the release but the love and spirituality is only for you.

That is, if he is up for it. If my lady told me that I am not sure I would want to do it though.

Answer 10

Wow what a bummer for him. If you feel that there is nothing wrong with you and you do not what to have sex then I think you needed to give him a contract that will allow him to have a girl Friend. So you can not thought this up in his face to him. I know their are a lot of women like you other. I sure have been in on close to this. She liked short time. It's to bad.things are this way.

Answer 11

The best thing you can do for him is divorce him so he can get on with his life and find someone else who does not get afraid to have sexual relations with him. Relationships are suppose to not just have a bond but a good sexual relatinship as well. You will not get him to understand because he is a human being with desires that you are not fullfilling for him.