My husband & I have been separated for 11 1/2 months. It has been a messy separation (I left due to emotional abuse), but now he is really making an effort to be friends. I'm not sure what his motives are other than we are both so very tired of fighting. He is trying for 50% custody of our children (4 year old boy & 3 1/2 month old baby girl - I was pregnant when I left). Recently, he came to me & asked me if I really want to go through with the divorce. He says he realizes he was not a great husband & he wonders if we'd make it if we tried again. I'm really confused, because my love for him has never been an issue. He says he loves me too & he's sorry for the way he treated me. There have been other women during our separation. I went through the pregnancy alone. My sister-in-law & I have always gotten along really well. She talks to him on a regular basis & may be able to shed some light on his motives & sincerity. Is it a wise move to ask her her opinion?
2007-10-01 19:27:54 · 11 answers · asked by Shannon H 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Please note that she is a social worker and sided with me from the get go. She has seen first hand the treatment that he gave me. The weekend before I left, she and her husband (my husband's brother) came down to see us and we were going to confront him together to see if we could save the marriage. They ended up fighting with my hubby and left without the conversation coming up. The brothers get along pretty good. I am not innocent in all of this - I allowed him to treat me that way for almost 10 years before getting to the "done" point.
2007-10-01 19:29:40 · update #1
you want to be very careful here, as a social worker she is likely to see through everything, especially as she knows you. so you'll need to be honest with her.
the thing you have on your side is she is not his blood relative so you can expect some objectivity from her, and she won't blindly defend him. Maybe?
are you hesitant in case it gets back to him? wives generally do tell their husbands most things, in which case the brother may tell your husband. you want to be able to control what he hears. if the sister in law is trustworthy, then there should be no problem.
its natural for you to feel confused, and even though you've made progress on your own without him, you still wonder 'what if'.
however, if you believe you should move on from him, a friendship with her is another way of 'hanging on when you should be letting go'.
if on the other hand you want to see what comes of his promises, i think you may benefit from her friendship. PROVIDED you can trust her fully not to manipulate what you say when it gets back to him.
best wishes
2007-10-02 12:50:49 · answer #1 · answered by sass24 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Going back to him only gives him permission to treat you like crap again. He wasn't sorry while he was womanizing and leaving you pregnant and alone. What makes him sorry now? He's not sorry. He just wants control of you again.
I don't know what you hope to achieve by talking to your sister-in-law. You made your decision to separate from your husband because he treats you badly. If your SIL supports your decision, let it be at that. If you think she may try and talk you out of leaving him, find other means of support. You and your children deserve a home without his abuse.
If you go back to him, he will be sweet at first just to make sure you'll stay, and then you will be his emotional punching bag again, and worse. Yes, it will get worse because he knows that he can get away with it.
Does he emotionally hurt the kids too? This would include berating you in front of them. If so, I would seriously think twice before a 50% custody arrangement.
2007-10-01 19:39:04 · answer #2 · answered by thezaylady 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk is cheap, but actions speak volumes. It took you 10 years to get to the breaking point, but also he has had 10 years for his behavior to become habit. Habits are hard to break and no matter how much willpower he has he may resort back to his old ways once you are settled in again together. That is unless he is actively doing something to break old patterns. Is he in counseling? If not that would be my first requirement. Maybe the two of you can make it work, but it is going to take a lot of work--mostly from him. Keep in mind that if he abused you emotionally, he isn't above doing the same to your children. It is harder to leave the second time around, and all abusers make promises to change once they have lost the power over their victims. Having your SIL as counsel is good, but your should also have a 100% nuetral third party mediating for you. Marriage counseling, perhaps.
2007-10-01 19:39:03 · answer #3 · answered by mafiosu 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you are DONE then why are you even CONSIDERING going back??!!
I know its tough to be a single mom (cuz I am one) but you really want to go back to a guy that says he wants to get back with you even though he was screwing other women during your seperation??!! COME ON!! You went through your pregnancy ALONE!! I know it has been 3 1/2 months since you had the kid but..really, do you forget so easily??
2007-10-01 19:31:59 · answer #4 · answered by Nae 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She desires to go away Scarlett, in no uncertain words. She has a job. No contract of any sort became performed, so i might provide her 2 weeks, yet be careful of any "injury" theft interior those next 14 days. in reality have been I you? i might PAY her to go away in each week and alter the locks on my door. it particularly is a foul situation, fantastically with the boyfriend around. you ought to look after your self, SORRY, that's the way it would be below THE situations SHE (UNDERLINE: SHE) HAS CREATED. this would probably be somewhat explosive. specifically circumstances? Being "nice" in this regard reasons extra hassle than that is well worth - and it particularly is one in all those existence circumstances. back Scarlett, please look after your self FIRST. Can she stay together with her brother each week? guy, i might have her out of there as quickly as achievable for a sort of motives. Grace
2016-10-05 23:02:00 · answer #5 · answered by pantano 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-02-12 15:30:08 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
he might be o n the leavel in trying to get his act together but dont bring her into this if wouldnt be right if he isnt trying get divorced and get a life with a man who knows how to treat a woman no matter what men like children that.s been proven by medical studies at many unitiversties . and will except them like there there fathers as well as you to after all if he loves you he will except the children as well my opion/
2007-10-01 19:39:38 · answer #7 · answered by the_silverfoxx 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should. She is not your ex-husband's sister, she is a wife of your brother-in law, so she has no reason to protect your ex husband and will stay objective, especially when she knows what you have gone through.
2007-10-01 19:34:19 · answer #8 · answered by terliuke 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should make your own decision on your own. If you still have a deep love for him, and you really think he is capable of changing, then give it a try. Take it slow, 10yrs is a long time for that behavior, men don't change unless they want to.
2007-10-01 19:33:36 · answer #9 · answered by ∂ίятУ ℓάυиḋгÿ 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
as long as ur not making her choose sides
2007-10-01 19:30:30 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋