When you've REALLY screwed up and it's your fault, and you admit it,...where do you go from there?

Question

I've already lived through the worst of it,...I've taken hold of my own responsibility in the matter. I've admitted it and it pains me to absolutely no end. I am grieving. Beyond belief. I've gotten us into some serious financial peril. I know. On the other hand, so has he with his “wants” turned “need.” But at the same time, I want to fix it as best as I can so as to move past this stagnant little … well, let’s just say, this pond.. Where do we go from here? I'm about as mucked as I can possibly be...how to clean up the mess now? ...haul it out and make fertilizer out of it and buy a new horse? I could leave the situation Scot free with precious few ramifications but I feel it is my responsibility to repair some of the damage I caused. The short story is that I don't see this relationship surviving it and it seems like he needs to vent on me more than he needs to heal. At what point does venting become healing or even abuse? From the looks of it on screen, I should seek out an appropriate shrink. From my vantage point, I see no way to rectify the matter(s) since he's not willing to move past it. It's been 2 months. We’ve been together for more than 7 years. Sometimes I wish I'd committed the crimes that I'm accused of now. Of some I'm guilty, of most, I’m not. Where do we go from here?

Answer 1

Not sure what exactly is the mess u were talking abt....

I was in a reverse situation from yours since the mess was created by the husband, now ex. He uses my names on all sorts of advance cash / loan.....told me invtm purpose. Then, all was spent on nightclubs. He shirked all responsibilities and leave it to me alone to clean up. Irresponsible bastard.

You could have been the same as him -- escape....instead u chose to stay to rectify the problem. You should already be proud of yourself. Do what u can and feel responsible of. Ignore his other accusations. Only need to answer to your own conscience.

Just remember : Everyone makes mistakes. Nothing to be ashamed of if u made mistakes this time. Just have the courage to admit it, be sure to mend the pieces and learn from the mistakes.

Answer 2

Ok. What ever the situation - trust needs to be re-earned. You Need to let him vent his stuff and carry on like a peanut to get it all out. That being said, i don't know what you did or if it were as bad as what you are making it out to be!?

Was it selling your house to a camel merchant for $1.00?

Did you pay to have your husband assasinated by a head hunter?

Well, sometimes the old objective point of view is needed when both parties are unable to see past the issues at hand. Can't hurt to try? You seem to have your sense of humour and that is a good indictor you are not totally burnt out.

Glad you are accepting responsibility for your actions, not a quality many people have now days. He can be thankful for that.
All the best. Keep as posted as to what you decide to do.

Answer 3

Stop admitting that you are guilty because it will seem that you are guilty for everything, not that little share that you have done. Stop saying you are sorry because you have said enough. Venting on daily basis is called verbal abuse. It is really easy to cross a line from verbal abuse to physical. It is just a matter of time. Stop tolerating his venting, stop beating yourself because you are beating a dead horse. You admitted your faults, you regretted for doing them, and I hope you learned something out of them. Now it is time to take care of yourself. If this relationship is not making you happy and just opposite, get out of it. I know seven years is a long period and sometimes it is hard but if something is not working and you've tried it all, it is inevitable. This relationship will collapse and that's just a matter of time (again).

Don't waste your life on fixing something that is not working. Start from the beginning while it is not too late. You can do it when you are young. It will be harder 5 years from now.

Good luck! I send you all my support and strength.

Answer 4

i am going through the same thing. He is in the Navy. I spent it all. He came back and was furious with me. He left,and I am in limbo. He won't call or write or anything...it has been almost a year. I am seeking financial counseling,and I am doing this not to get him back,cuz let's face it,he's not coming back. I need to learn on my own how to take care of money. Yes, you created a mess,and you can try and repair the damage,but do it for yourself.My husband and I were together for 6 years altogether.
He has to want to get better also. He has to want to try. It sounds like he does not want to.
Take care of yourself. You are going to need your guts and wits to keep living day by day.
Good luck.

Answer 5

wow sorry to hear. unfortunately you might be over with if an agreement can't come together. tried suggesting couples therapy? try and talk things out like the mature adults you [hopefully] are without a screaming match. try some makeup sex, seriously, it may lighten the mood/tension. if the marriage is worth saving, and you can work on our problems as a loving couple (as stated in your vows) then this just might be a huge bump in your relationship. have you explained and confessed to him that you messed up YET you want to fix it and "start over" or beging to patch it up? I could continue to give my opinion, but I believe this is a good start.

Answer 6

You follow your gut. Get the counseling..not "because you can't handle it and are crazy" far from it. You do need a third party to guide you during this difficult time.
You are going to be alright. You are intelligent and responsible and have a lot of integrity and courage and it will serve you well.

Answer 7

tell him you feel terrible and you two need to seriously discuss how to make this better,ask him to give you sincere suggestions because you dont want to keep things bitter between you two.if your not planning on staying in the relationship anyway,just try to work toward being a good friend and let him know thats the best you can do.also let him know you want to be by his side to fix the problems you've caused

Answer 8

You forgive yourself and let him hurt. Eventually he will need to forgive and forget. Listen to him when hes hurting and comfort him but dont let him want to hurt you. Two wrongs dont make a right. Just try your hardest to forgive yourself and move past it. Dont think about it or dwell on it. Take one day at a time.

Answer 9

Attend lectures, dances, club functions, volunteer, go to church, crash a party if you can but get out of the relationship that will only ruin the rest of your life if you hang on to it. think of YOU and YOUR future and wellbeing. YOU are numbr one! Find someone you feel good to be with. There are many in our community.

Answer 10

weigh things...

take some time alone...get a breather...

you couldn't think straight if the guy's in sight... better escape for a moment and think things over...

its not a matter of the 7 years that you have... cause at the end of the day, its your happiness that counts...