How do I rebuild my marriage after this mess I made?

Question

When I 1st got married I had a brief affair 14 years ago for a month!
I broke it off when I realized that I was hurting my marriage, but it was too late my husband found out and wanted to divorce me. We separated and a lot of counseling we got back together, in fact I think our marriage was even better then before because we really had to work at it.

One of the thing I had to promise was NEVER to see or call , or contact the O/man, and if contact was made inform my husband straight away and be honest about it.

This is the problem because of what I do ( investment negator) I found myself working with the o/man for past 6 weeks, and because I did not want to give up my commission (110K) for half a years work I did not inform my husband.
He has every right to be angry I know but nothing happen it was all business!

My husband found out and got a Legal separation and I can't stand the thought of losing him because of money what can I say to him to rebuild the trust I through out?

To everyone I broker loan purchesing deals for generally small of Mid- Sized comapanys and don't get paid till the transaction is complete!

At the time I had almost 5 months and nothing to show for it with a insurance company, that pushed everything to the breaking point and I wanted to make sure I did not waist my time so I did not tell my husband who I knew would have gone through the roof.

I was wrong and I need to make my husband understand this and not get angry everytime I bring it up!

He's talking Divorce , I want to work it out what can I do?

Answer 1

The first thing that caught my eye in your question was when you said, "I broke it off when I realized that I was hurting my marriage". Are you seriously saying you didn't think that it would hurt your marriage when you started?
The second thing is that it sounds like you are trying to minimize the affair by saying it was 14 years ago and for one month. It doesn't matter if it was 25 years ago and for one hour...it still has the same effect on your spouse.
Now...as far as what your husband is feeling now. I'm sorry and I know you don't want to hear it, but I can't disagree with his line of thinking. Basically what you did was choose money over following the rules to keep your marriage healthy. If you had to hide it...it was wrong.
You can talk to him, but if he doesn't wish to reconcile, you pretty much have to accept that. Adultery has consequences. Sometimes they even show up 14 years later.

Answer 2

It's good that you understand he has a right to be angry. What you should have done was tell him at the beginning, you know you made a promise, but the commission on this would be too much to pass over, and told him straight out who you were working worth, hind sight is 20/20 though and now you have to move forward

You need to sit down and have a long talk with your husband, acknowledge his feelings of being angry, upset, hurt, and lied too, because that's probably what he feels like. Tell him that the mistake you made 14 years ago, was NOT the mistake you made this time. Tell him that you know you held something from him, but again, it was purely work related and the commission is something that could help the both of you ion retirement years, you didn't do it to be deceitful, you were merely thinking of your future together, with him.

Suggest counseling to get you both through this tough time, and remind him that you love him, not this other man, and that you want to rebuild trust and communication between the two of you, obviously that needs some work because you knew you couldn't tell him despite it being a good commission that you were working with this man. He also has to let go of what happened, if he has forgiven you, he has to REALLY forgive you, and not bring it up in arguments, or be petty about things, even if he feels hurt.

Answer 3

Your husband feels hurt because you told him you would be honest with him and you weren't. Money isn't everything and if your relationship was strong then you wouldn't of hestitated to tell him about it. You will never know what would have happened if you did tell him that you were working with this other man and you won't ever know. Time will tell everything, it always does. If the love is still there thats great but the question is "Is the trust still there". You have to have trust or it just won't work. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you two can work this out. If you truly love your husband, then give him some time. Men need that. They don't react to things the same way women do. Good luck and whatever happens is what is meant to be.

Answer 4

You should seek advice from the counselor that helped you through the first reconciliation.

Personally, I think you need to accept that you chose money over your marriage. You knew the risk involved and still took a chance by compromising the trust you had with your husband for your commission. Would you have taken the same risk if his life was at stake? (Hopefully, not.) Therefore, I think you should give ALL of that money to someone he cares about, such as his parents and/or other relatives, as a sign that you realize the gravity of your mistake and that the money is meaningless without him. This is probably not enough since it wasn't just a chance encounter that you neglected to reveal. 6 weeks is a long time and a significant betrayal under these circumstances; so, you'll need to accept his decision, whatever it may be.

You should probably go with my first suggestion, though, and get professional help. Good luck.

Answer 5

I really don't think you can say anything. You cheated once with this man, how is he supposed to know you won't do it again. You promised to tell your husband if there was any further contact with him. And you failed to do that also. The one thing that marriage should be built on is TRUST. You broke his trust from the beginning, and here even 14 yrs later you did it again. You may have had no physical contact with him this time, but you made an oath to your partner, and just let it go over money??? I would think your husband should rank quite a bit higher on the priority list over $$$. Best of luck to you, I hope for your sake you can get things worked out, sounds like you had yourself a keeper girl.

Answer 6

well, first of all, you cheated. You will NEVER rebuild the trust as it was before you cheated on your husband.
If you only worked with the guy, and did not cheat again, then why did you not tell your husband about it?
I don't think he will ever trust you again at all, just because you didn't tell him the truth, even though nothing bad happened. Also, if you felt like you need to hide it from him, you will always have other things you feel he should not know about.
I suggest you tell him what you wrote here: that you are sorry for not telling him; that you didn't say anything because you were afraid he will be angry; and because you felt that the O man working same place as you had no significance at this point, because he was nothing to you.

Answer 7

This is a tough one...I know its hard, but you should have told him like you promised you would all those years ago.

You say your marriage was better once you were able to work thru things and counseling and all - but did you take into account how your husband felt? Men are not as confident as they'd have us believe...though you may have worked thru your troubles at the time, chances are you husband never let that go and may have never fully trusted you.

It sounds harsh, what I'm saying - I know...but I've had plenty of guy friends over the years, and through these friendships, I've been able to decipher a little bit about them...

I wish you all the best of luck - keep trying to get him to understand that you cannot choose your clients, and 110k is alot of money - which I'm sure he was enjoying before he found out...it was simply business...good luck!

Answer 8

Trust is something that is almost impossible to win back, you made a terrible mistake a long time ago---adultry will almost always ruin a marriage--your husband has not trusted you since. And now he found out that you kept a secret about working with your former lover.

I dont know, will your husband try to save your marriage again? You can ask him, but it is hell to live with someone you can not trust--your husband may have given up and accepted that your marriage will not work. The only thing you can do is ask if he will give you another chance and if he says no this time, you may have to move on and realize that you have lost a good guy.

Answer 9

Honestly, I tip my hat to you. I think you have a great understanding of your situation with her. If you understand that she would naturally miss a friend, be open with her about it and ask her to discuss it with you. Simply tell her that you understand that she would miss him, even though it hurts a little, and you want to be there for her through this to love and support her. This will let her know that you really do want to work this out, and it is a hurtful situation to you both, but TOGETHER it can be done. All that you can do is allow her space to heal, and be there for her to talk to. Keep her talking, like you did when you pushed her and she told you that she missed him. I personally don't find that damaging, it's probably hard for her to get used to the idea that she will be discussing with her husband her affair. Become a best friend which is far less intimidating than a husband (that is after all square one) Tell her that you don't want anymore secrets, and that unless these feelings are brought to the surface they will fester in her, as they would anybody. Again, much respect to you. I hope this helps some.

Answer 10

You had to realize you were skating on paper thin ice when you two were working together. This is when you should have sat him down, told him that he and you now work together and your plan to get paid and get out asap.

Now, how do you think it looks to him the man you had an affair with is now your co-worker and you never told your husband?

It's time to write him a long letter. Write it once, put it aside for a day to think about it and look at it again. Once it says what you want it to say give it to a friend and ask him to give it to your husband to read. I would guess this would be your only hope of explaining yourself and why you did what you did.