lazy husband...divorce?

Question

Hello,

My husband and I have been married for about 5 months. In that time, he was discharged from the air force. It took him about 2 months to find a new job. In this time, I had to have surgery, and had the only income coming in. Now he has this job, but he doesn't seem to understand work ethic. He constantly calls in late or just doesn't go in at all. I'm amazed he hasn't been fired yet. I don't understand why it is so difficult. He will claim he doesnt feel good, but to be honest, I just am not buying that anymore. On days when he doesnt "feel good" I come home and he seems FINE.

Before he moved in, my apartment was pretty neat and tidy, a brand new apartment. Since him moving in, the carpet is stained beyond recognition, there are constantly beer bottles everywhere that I can't keep up with, and he has stained furniture and made a mess in general. Everytime I try and bring it up, (the mess and the work) he turns it around and accuses me of calling him a loser...help!

I've been nothing BUT supportive. I have tried everything to motivate him. Remind him of the honeymoon we want to take and how we want to move out of state and how he wants a motorcycle and gently remind him he needs to be WORKING for any of those things to happen. Yes, we are young. I am 21, he is 22. I just hate being accused of nagging or being mean when I'm just trying to get him to wake up and see reality. We are swimming in debt from my surgery and his 2 months of unemployment, and I cannot be the only one trying.

I feel like he is either completely oblivious or doesnt care. I'm really at a loss of what to do. He really is a great guy, but no one is perfect, unfortunatley his faults are really hard to live with, stress me out and are driving me insane. I am not his mother, I need him to grow up and take responsibility if this marriage is going to work. And we have talked about that...and he promises change but nothing ever changes.

I'm sick of being disappointed...

No, he was never deployed. I would love for him to get back in the military because at least then he would have drive. When he was in the air force he was pretty on top of things, including money. I have wondered if he was depressed too, and I think he was right after he got out, but now I think he is just being lazy and figures since I make more money, its not a big deal. But Phoenix is an expensive place to live. And also, my parents are very...well off, and we have had to ask them for help a couple times. I don't want to do that anymore because we are adults and I don't want to take advantage of my parents' genorousity (sp?). I dropped out of school too because I just couldn't keep up between an hour drive to and from work, working overtime, and night classes...it was just too much.

I'm beginning to think nothing I do will motivate him, that only he can motivate himself. If I leave him, he would be screwed. And I love him and he is my best friend...he needs to be responsible.

Answer 1

tell him flat out how you feel, your not nagging him your trying to make him see what going on. if it comes to it move out and let him sink

Answer 2

I would sit down and have a serious converstation with the guy. Thats not a life.

He can accuse you of calling him anything he wants...just make it clear to him that the discussion must be had because you will not deal with this anymore.

Obviously, he himself knows there is a problem because he acknowledges the fact that he is a loser without you having even said it.

Also, I would suggest some counseling before you make any decisions such as "divorce". Reason being is...when you are newely weds, it takes time for you guys to adjust to eachothers "life styles".

Although it sound like he may have some issues, you too may be making it sound that way because you are not used to his life style and to you, it is not "normal".

Coming out of the air force, etc...have you ever considered that he may have some emotional issues, depression ,etc. That may be the cause of his actions?

There are a lot of things you need to intake before you can make any decisions. Seek guidance from a professional.

Answer 3

My husband and I are going through the same thing, but we have been married 7 years and together for 11years. Men just don't have any respect for women, because if they did they would want to get of their a** and help around the house. I have a part time job, take care of the house,our son, and do all the other chores that have to be done and it's a major drama if you ask your husband to put their clothes in the hamper or feed the dog. I would not say you are calling your husband a loser, you just want him to pull his weight, if he is capable of making a mess well he sure can pick it up. Explain to him about working, yes it sucks but you and him have to do it and if you two want to have a life together and maybe one day a family then he needs to keep his nose to the grindstone!! I noticed one thing that works sometimes is that if you have a HUGE FIT they will help out around the house for about a week, then start to B**** all over again, pretty soon he will get tired of the yelping and help out on a regular basis, or so you can hope. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 4

Hmm, you know what that sounds like to me? Clinical depression. I am not siding with him at all as I am sure this would be hard to live with. I have clinical depression though and I know just how hard it is to get motivated. I can still remember when my Mom used to come to my house to help me clean because I was so depressed that I couldn't make myself do it. I remember her saying, "You've got to get up" and I would sit there and say..."I can't, I just can't". She did her very best to motivate me too, but it was like trying to pull teeth, I swear. Not to long after that I went to therapy and was diagnosed with major clinical depression. Since then, things are better though I still do suffer from time to time. I am not saying that I think it is a definite thing, but it would be worth looking into. He could also have some sort of anxiety issues which are sometimes linked to depression and so he may have developed some sort of fear about working. That of course doesn't mean that you don't have a right to be upset...simply means he may need to seek some sort of help.

Now, as far as the making all those messes for you to clean up...I think that is pretty disrespectful of him. Tell him that you can't afford beer anymore, lol. No,...honestly, I don't know what I would do or say. Would he listen to you if you simply suggested that the drinks stay in the kitchen..like let him know that you need to establish new rules around the place ..let him know that if you ever have children, you don't want them thinking that they can just take things out of the kitchen and make a mess for you to clean up. It teaches them respect to do that sort of thing I think. Anyhow, I would say just find a way to make a rule for both of you to not eat or drink in the living room. Otherwise, he may be thinking you are trying to control him...which is rediculous because all you are asking for is a tidy place...one he needs to help clean up too. If you are the one buying his beers by chance, I think I would quit that. Tell him that if he can't respect your need for cleanliness, then you aren't going to worry about whether or not he gets his beers, and besides...beers leave really bad stains.

I hope this helps...maybe if you talk to him about depression. Most guys won't fess up though. I hope I have helped in some small way, and I do feel for you. Good luck.

Answer 5

Believe me, it will only get worse. I would try counseling for the two of you so he can see your side & you can find out what is really going on with him. If it doesn't work, I would split and say good bye. You have your whole life in front of you. Do you want it to be like this forever? You have to make a move to do something or things will stay the same.

Answer 6

Lazy isnt the word! I can imagine how u feel. Theres nothing worst than u having nice things at first and then someone coming in & destroying them. He could at least clean up after himself if hes not working...better yet- he should clean the whole apartment while u r at work...have dinner started, or at least thawed out so u can cook. U probably feel like uve made a mistake...I agree! I cant imagine things getting any better.

Answer 7

Don't give up so easy. He is your husband and at this point, divorce should not even be considered. If you think you have major problems w/ a messy house and a lazy husband, you are in for the ride of your life. Marriage is work, constant and consistent. You need to talk to him, and don't go to yahoo answers for major life decisions , getting advice from strangers. Talk to HIM.

Answer 8

not to be mean or anything but this is also another reason why the damn statistics are so freaking high! divorce rate is alarmingly increasing every single day. 50% 5 yrs ago to 75% today. people change and feelings change. you married him for a reason, hopefully good reasons. im not trying to make you feel bad or anything but like alot of people said getting back from the service takes time to adjust. maybe he needs counseling. maybe he needs support. if only we as a society can stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about others. he may be going through alot and just cant put it in words. i had a similar problem :( i took counseling to open me up and figure stuff out. anyways, to answer your question
lazy husbund...divorce.... UP TO YOU.

just a reminder---> i ........ I, _____, take you ______, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part

u could be asking this question as well...
DISABLED HUSBUND....divorce?
MESSY HUSBUND.....divorce?
NOT SO FUNNY HUSBUND....divorce?
NOT A GREAT COOK...divorce?

just try to remind yourself as to why you married this man and see if it outways his laziness. think of it this way, his laziness may be fixed but the good things u found in him cant be replaced. good luck with your decision and ill keep you in my prayers....

Answer 9

He's right... You ARE calling him a loser, because HE IS ONE! Sounds like he needs to go back to the military where they will rule him with an iron fist; he doesn't seem to be able to take any responsibility himself.

Answer 10

You are basically calling him a loser. Men and women who leave the services (especially if they have been to war) have a lot to adjust to. Rather than being critical and selfish, you need to be supportive.

When you married him you did not say "For better or worse...unless I feel your work ethic sucks" You said, for better, or worse. End of story. Unless he is cheating on you or abusing you, you owe it to him and your marriage to stick by him and support him.
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EDIT- Did he go to war?