Again, how to tell my girlfriend she should pay half the rent and other expenses?

Question

She just moved in, permanently. I love her to death, however I think we should split the costs - so far I've been paying the mortgage, monthly assesment, utilities, etc. I do not know how to do it, especially after what she just told me - she needs the bathrooms remodeled, for starters, and her Dad has offered to do it for free provided I buy all the materials. Honestly, I think both bathrooms are ok, I also noticed my girlfriend does laundry, takes care of the meals, etc.
We've been together for almost 8 months, but we're pretty close, however I've never lived with anyone since I got my own apartment.
Should she pay for the mortgage, or just the rent?
She earns almost twice as much, by the way.
What arguments shall I use?

Answer 1

You're headed down a long and bumpy road, and I can tell you from experience!

This usually isn't an easy conversation, but it's absolutely necessary.

Mortgage: if you are paying 100% of the mortgage, then you need to make sure that she will have no claim for any equity built up in the house. (0% investment, 0% return)

Improvements: Whoever pays, retains the equity gained. If you pay for everything, then she can't have any money from the sale of your house, or the forced sale if you ever end up in court. If you pay for supplies, and her dad does the labor, then you need to go out an get a professional estimate for the job. Then you understanding is the equity gained (get a house appraisal), is split in the same proportion as your material costs versus the labor estimate.

Monthly Bills: Split utilities equally, or add up the totals and split them monthly. One of you writes a check to the other.

At this point it's not personal, it's business. It's about what is fair for both of you. Let's say you spent very little in material costs and her dad spent countless hours in the house - what does he get out of it?

Contributing to the household in services: cooking, cleaning, etc is something where you two should work out a compromise in effort. Don't trade domestic services for rent!!

I need to take off my shoes to count how many friends have had to pay the court and laywers to figure this out after a breakup or divorce...

Good luck!

Answer 2

Since she is already moved it i have to ask the question didnt you two talk about how the bills were going to be split before this took place?? If not then the best thing to do is to talk to her.. Just tell her that you would like some help with the expenses for the home.. That since she is living there you would like her to pay part of the mortgage and utilities.. Or maybe you pay the utilities and she purchase all the groceries.. Not sure how you would wnat that to work.. But there are ways.. Just talk..Good luck.

As for the remodeling.. that is somethign you have to decide.. Do you want it done or not.. If not tell her.. Thank you but I think they look fine now.. and that you may decide to do it at a later date..

Answer 3

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months, we have lived together for 6 months.
Even while I was working full time, he was still making nearly four times as much money as me, so he paid for everything. I felt like I was using him as a sugar daddy, so I started buying all of the groceries.
Now I've quit my full time job to return to school and only work part time at a different job, making an eighth of what I made before but I still buy all the groceries.

I think that if she wants the bathroom remodeled, she should purchase all the materials and pay to have it done, or have her father do it, whatever. You can't say to your lover, "The bathroom is ugly, fix it." No. Tell her that if she has a problem, she can fix it herself. For example, I hated that we have a 3 car garage but it was filled with junk. Literally filled. I took it upon myself to go through the garage and throw out the garbage, donate smaller things to the salvation army, and I had 2 yard sales to sell the larger items. I managed to get rid of about half of the stuff in the garage, and now there is actually room to walk and park in there.

I too have never lived with anyone (besides my parents) before this - and let me say this, if my bf and I break up some day, I will NEVER live with a lover ever again. I do all the shopping, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I feed the cats, I change the litter box, I do the cooking, I do the cleaning of the apartment, I moved all of our belongings BY MYSELF from our old apartment to this one. I pick up all the clothes he just drops everywhere, I organize his work stuff, I pick up the garbage he just drops on the floor, I organize his change that he leaves everywhere, I relay message between him and his mother, I water the 20 plants he bought, I wake him up for work, I even make him coffee every morning.
I don't mind doing all of these things for myself, but I'm getting tired of doing everything for someone else. Yes, he pays all the bills, lights, heat, water, gas, etc, but...........

If she truly earns twice as much as you, and she isn't in debt, than she should be AT LEAST paying half of the mortgage/rent PLUS doing all of the things for you that I do for my boyfriend.

Answer 4

The fairest way to do this is calculate your monthly expenses using your bring home pay as the deciding factor. I have a friend whose wife makes a ton more money than he does, so she pays the mortgage and he pays the utilities. It's not fair to split the expenses down the middle unless you are making equal paychecks. She should NOT be living there expense free. Tell her of your new plans and see if you can afford to re-do the bathrooms down the line. She might feel differently about a frugal expense if she is a little cash poor for a change! :-)
Good luck.

Answer 5

DOn't understand this my money your money, but then again have been married for almost 26 years. I always worked, and when she worked part time all the money was thrown into a joint account to take care of bills, and things needed for the house or the kids. It was more of a team effort, not an individual. Today it seems even couples run into the same gamut and that always leads to tensions, and feelings of unfairness. In this case protect yourself, this is not the way to live, this is not being a family, nor a real couple in love. Hate to say it so bluntly but sounds more like you are being used temporary to further her financial position. (she has no bill except her own, you have all of them) Personally and this is just my opinion, would not trust this woman, but that decision is yours and only time will tell. I do wish you luck and hope that I am wrong.

Answer 6

Time for the both of you to sit down and have a long, serious talk. Something you should have done in the beginning to sort out the details of your living arrangement. Tell her how you feel, that everything should be divided. Don't be surprised if this starts an arguement though.
As far as remodeling the bathrooms, tell her no, they are fine the way they are, and if she insists to have them done, tell her she can pay for the materials. Seems to me you don't put your foot down and say how you feel and are letting her do or say whatever she wants.. If you don't tell her how you feel, it's only going to continue to get worse.

Answer 7

If you are living as a couple, you should split the bills accordingly. I would just sit her down with all the bills on the table and ask her which ones she feels she should help with. If you are truly living as a couple and the relationship is strong, she should not have an issue with kicking in some money to cover the expenses... especially if she makes twice as much as you do.

Answer 8

This would have been a real good thing to talk about and agree on BEFORE she moved in. Bringing it up now is real awkward - and don't expect it to be well-received.

It's fair that there be some sharing of costs - how you split it up is whatever the two of you agree on. It's also fair that you do YOUR share of the work around the house - or that that should be considered part of her contribution.

Answer 9

Tell her your not her mother and its not your job to support her. If she does not like the bathroom then she should pay to have it remolded not you. She should pay 1/2 of all bills but not 1/2 of the mtg payment because you are building equity in your house not hers. I would charge her 1/3 of the mtg payment. What she makes in none of your business and has nothing to do with anything other than she can afford to pay for the new bathroom she wants.

Answer 10

You dont need any arguments you two arent married, she JUST moved in. She cant just come in and take over like she owns the place and not pay for anything. Even in a marriage you both pay for things. Just tell her straight up, just make sure she understands that you need her help so that you can both live comfortably and like you both want to. Just try to make her feel like you want her to help so you can both have nicer things.....