How to deal with Step Child and ex Spouses?

Question

Im really trying to keep the peace in the family and be a good stepmom, but my husband says, im selfish. He just doesnt see or hear the comments his son says to me. It is like my stepson wants us to fight.
My stepson also always asks for extra expensive video game systems from my husband right in front of me even after we together have already told him no, wait for your birthday or a holiday or maybe we will get you that, but it has to stay here because we also have a child that likes video games.
I have no control over what happens with my stepson even in my household and it is making me harbor angry feelings towards him.
His mother has raised him in a materialistic and shallow way. His bad habits wear off on my child when he comes here and it really bothers me. My child is not an angel by any means, but I do have rules and boundries for my child, but they have to be reinforced once he is gone.
How do i deal with this or is it just time to leave.......

Answer 1

1. You need to sit down with ur husband and have a heart to heart talk to him, u and him need to come up with guidelines and rules for the "HOUSEHOLD" that both children need to go by.. not just one set of rules for one, and a different set for the other..

2. You and your husband need to be a united front to both children and to any x spouses.. children are not stupid and they know if they can divide they can conquer.. so no matter what the situation..if one of you says something u need to back that person up in front of the kids or the ex's if u disagree, u need to talk in private about it afterwards.. ITS BEST IF BOTH ALWAYS TRY TO SAY .. let me talk to your mother, or let me talk to your father first.. then there will never be a disagreement..

3. Never treat each others child differently then ur own, it causes resentment between parents and resentment between the children..

4. Stay your course.. do not waiver.. always do what is right even if it doesnt feel good in the moment..

5. Remember that although ur children are the most important people in your lives, that you need to put ur spouse first on daily trivial things, and ur children first in emergent situations..

6. Remember that ur spouse is the mother or father role in your house hold and should be treated as such in your household, the ex's should always feel like a 3rd wheel when dealing with your house hold..

7. You trusted ur spouse enough to marry them with the thought in mind they would be a good step parent to the child.. so trust in that decision and allow them to be a step parent and part of the parental team.. do not treat the step parent as if they are a matter of convience when u need them and when u dont.. they should be extremely involved in the childrens lives..

8 realize that u cant control what happens at the other parents houses, u can only control what happens in yours.. respect each other enough to not allow the x's to call the shots in your household.. and realize that the x's are trashing you.. and that carrys over to the children because no child wants to believe that their parent whom they love would ever lie, or do anything or say anything that would hurt them.. so u have to stay the course and the child will see in the end years from now that what they were told was wrong..



Blended families are very hard to pull off, with out the proper elements , RESPECT , COMPROMISE, LOVE, PATIENCE, AND PRESERVERANCE.. and Listen to each other with open ears and open minds..

And children dont ask to be put in these situations they are put in them whether they like it or not.. You dont resent ur step child because of how he acts, u resent ur step child because ur husband isnt backing u up, and u resent him which has carried over onto his son, u need to remember that.. its not the childs fault..

Dont give up, but definately its time to be blunt, time to lay it out all on the table.. compromise on what each other expects from each other.. and get it all ironed out, because at this point u already have one foot out the door, u have nothing more to lose if he doesnt listen to u.. and ur needs.. and visa versa...

Answer 2

I too have a blended family, and I know that it is not easy. The reason I decided to answer your question is that I see a lot of people telling you that you and your husband need to establish the rules together. I have found what works very best is this...you need to talk to you husband in private about 1 thing, and that is that the rules need to be the same for everyone, and you both need to support each other, and have each other's back in front of the kids at all times. Agree that if you two disagree with something when it comes to the kids, it should always be handled behind closed doors. Then you need to have a FAMILY meeting, with you, your husband and both the kids. Here is where you outline what is expected in your household and the consequences for breaking the rules. Let this kids be involved with both the rules and consequences, and let the kids see you and your husband together, making sure everyone understands the way things are going to be, and that you respect their opinions as well. Your stepson may seem like he wants you to fight, or that he's saying horrible things just to get to you, but what I've come to see is that they are testing they're limits. They are trying to break you. I know it's a silly concept, but united we stand divided we fall...if the kid knows that he can get away with stuff by manipulating you and your husband against each other, they will do it. And it's not the child's fault, it is you and your husband that allow it to happen. Despite how the other home is, if you are consistent in your home, things will get better I promise.

Answer 3

Number one, of course he wants you to fight, he is a child and still thinks deep down inside that if you and your husband break up his parents might get back together. So, let all comments roll off your back! Any rude or hateful comment should be either ignored or answered with, "I'm sorry you feel that way".

Each child should have his own things that do not have to be shared with anyone. If that is a video game so be it when he is there it can be played when he is gone it should be put up. The same applies to your son, if he has a special system he doesn't want to share, put it up on visit days.

Now we come to the hardest part to do but will help the most. You and your husband need to go out for coffee and discuss what the household rule, regulations and disciplinary acts are going to be. This means HOUSEHOLD!!! One set of rules for all, one set of disciplinary actions, both parents using them for all children in the house. No deviations, no he said she said stuff. Once mapped out post the rules and the consequences for breaking them, read over them with the entire family. You have no idea how much peace this can bring to your home.

And then on a final note, if you leave what kind of example are setting for both children? When the going gets tough run away? Renew your commitment to the family as a whole and get to work.

Answer 4

When I married my husband 29 years ago, he had two sons, 10 and 15. I had a son 9 and daughter 8. We had his kids every other weekend and for a month in the summer and holidays. His youngest was a trouble maker. He would be good as gold when his Dad was around and then all hell would break lose when his Dad went to work or out of town. I had rules in my home and they applied to all. I stuck to my guns and only once did his Dad and I get into an argument about it and I just told him that the rules were for everyone in the house and if he didn't think that he and his son could live with it, then they needed to leave. Soon his son realized that he needed to obey the rules, which were not really rules but just things like pick up your things and put them away and clean your room, do your homework. Today this son is married and has a 7 year old son that is just like him and it drives him crazy. He will often tell me that he thought I handled things really well and he is trying to do the same with his kids. So my advice to you is to stick to your guns and not to give into him and tell your husband everything your doing and why. Don't ask him, tell him. Good luck.

Answer 5

It's not easy, I can tell you that much. I am the "new spouse" also. I've been married for 2 years now. I have 2 step daughters, 10 & 7. The older one is mature thinking for her age and understood the situation completely. The younger one, we actually just went through an episode of her "missing" her "real" dad. I know that there is resentment and always an attitude. Although we keep it cordial in front of the kids he would rather I not be around. It gets uncomfortable when there are school functions and "all" of us are there together. Honestly, though it would be a matter of how well you get along with the Ex. There is not much that you can really do, but be yourself and be respectful. Just understand that you are now taking care of HER children. Look at that movie, "Stepmom". Susan Sarandon and Julia Roberts. They did not get along at first but in the end it worked out. You don't have to walk on eggshells around the person. Just be confident in knowing that your marriage is strong and that you are doing the most that you can for the step kids as a new parent. I myself, treat the girls like they were my own. Unfortunately, they receive more discipline in my house than they do with their own father. That's only because he lets them do whatever they want. There will be issues, but there will also be times when everything is right. Just do your best.

Answer 6

You and your husband together need to sit down and discuss how you two will run your house. The two of you must present a strong united front for both children to see. Rules must be established and enforced for both children. If there should be punishment of any kind, make sure the punishment fit the crime and each child is treated equally. Please don't harbor angry feelings towards your stepson, he doesn't know any better. Work on your rules with your husband and things will get better, they have to for the sake of the marriage.

Answer 7

The problem isn't the child; he is a child. The problem is between you and your husband. It is very common for the noncustodial parent to have feelings of guilt and it is only natural that a child will take advantage of this so the parent goes above and beyond and that child seems to have a different set of rules. In short he is being manipulated by a child.
You, as adults, need to sit down and decide what the rules are in your home and then to be a good parent he must adhere to those rules and both of you must back each other up on them. Especially if there is another child involved, it is very important to have as much equality as possible.

Answer 8

One thing you said was very telling. If you give your stepchild a gift of a video game for a holiday or his birthday, you would actually make him leave it at your home because "your child likes video games too"? That is just wrong. Reading between your lines, it really seems like you resent this kid and don't want him around taking any attention away from you or your child. Of course your stepchild is going to ask his dad for something. That is his parent, not you. If you are really having angry and resentful feelings toward this child maybe you should leave because the child shouldn't be subjected to that. It is not his fault his parents are not together.

Answer 9

If he's in your house you should have a say or your husband should do it. How old is the child? Tell your husband that you need to be a united front and treat each child the same so he needs to not let the child walk all over him or you and that if not you and your child will have to leave when he comes over and it won't be pretty when you come back.

Answer 10

Dealing with children who live in or visit your home and have no manners is tough, especially when the husband doesn't seem to notice.

Carry a small tape recorder with you and every time you talk to the brat, tape record it so his dad can hear all the disrespectful things he says.

If you've spoken with your husband and he refuses to set any rules or make sure his son knows he has to do what you say, then it's time to let your husband know you're getting really close to leaving.

Why should you put up with his rotten kid? And why does he always side with the kid? My husband has a daughter who is with us 3.5 days each week. We've had our differences, but he's finally come around to where he sees my side of things. His daughter isn't a brat, but she's a bit spoiled. I just speak up and say what's on my mind when she asks for things that are too expensive.

Good luck.