Integrating/Splitting bills in a relationship?

Question

My boyfriend and I have two daughters together and we all live together. I'm finding he is very selfish with his money. He works- so his money should go to his things- but I'm in school full time- and am just expected to pay for my bills. Ex.. we share a car- and he works- but because it's "my" car - i'm expected to pay the car payment and bills- even though he drives it all the time to work etc. So I don't want to get into all the details- but how do you integrate bills in a relationship or if you don't integrate them until marriage- what is the best way to handle things while you live together and share many of the expenses? He seems to think I should pay for things for the girls (he'll pay, but i have to ask him for money) and that all his money should go to his bills or whatever. I hate that we don't have a budget- I feel like we are always broke- and he makes enough- we should have plenty left over each month after bills etc are paid. I need some advice!

Answer 1

You may have more issues than money but here is what my husband and I did. Add up all your bills including groceries. Divide them in half. Then divide them by 4. Each of you need to deposit that amount of money into a joint account for bills only. Then there is enought in there always to pay the bills and what is left each week is your own. If he will not agree to something like that, you may want to reconsider a marriage.

Answer 2

I've never been able to understand couples - especially parents who don't share all expenses, incomes, etc. Maybe we are too fluid, but we decide to share everything and discuss purchases over a certain dollar amount that we spend on our own. How transactional do you want to make home life?

If you are going to work in the other direction, just determine what goes to every expense. If he is going to drive it, then charge him a rental or usage fee. You can also do it by milage, if that works out better for you. If you are driving your girls somewhere, charge him also, as they are your shared children...You have to maybe come up with a big picture baseline, and show him what you have done, and suggest options that could work. Then ask him what he thinks is fair.

You can probably get some help from someone at school, or even check with a financial planner, social worker, accountant, etc. By the way there is validity to marriage, especially with kids, since you guys are supposed to be a full fledged family (not preaching, just saying this is why marriage is an institution of mutual commitment).

He also may be feeling that you are getting too much of a gravy train ride, since he's doing all the bread winning, and you are going to school - make sure he's on board with your career decisions and commitments to "up the ante" when you finish school and get to work full time. He may not want to say so, since it's not macho to admit that he doesn't appreciate that role, but it's important that you guys have these kinds of dialogues, so he's reminded that this imbalance is because of current situation, which will change.

You need to come up with some sort of budget or plan, to establish financial cooperation if nothing else. Good luck!

Answer 3

Why don't you have a budget? Being that you two share a household and children, you need to come up with a common budget. Draw up the list of all the bills (his and yours), and figure out how much money each month goes towards the bills; include such things as children's expenses and groceries, as well as some "emergency" money (for car repairs etc). Open a joint account to which you both contribute a certain amount, and from which the bills are paid. The rest can be "your money" and "his money" - but it seems that in a family there has to be a certain common "our money" pool from which the *family* expenses are paid. I don't know how a family can survive when both people are trying to nickel-and-dime each other to death, and divide everything to "mine" and "yours". Time to start thinking in terms of "ours".

Answer 4

Make up a budget and show it to him. Then tell him you both need to work together. Figure out which expenses are things you both use, then each pay half. Expenses for the kids, groceries, utilities, etc should all be shared. Figure out how much money you have combined. If he brings in 75% fo the income and you only bring in 25% it isn't realistic to expect you to pay 75% of the bills and him only to pay 25%. I think your situation is a perfect example of why you should get married and work these things out before you have a family. At the least, you should have worked it all out before you moved in together.

Answer 5

You need to have a sit down with him. List all your monthly expenses. Have him list all his monthly expenses. Include an expense for clothes for you and the girls, have him do the same thing. Anything that you are liable to spend money on. Then systematically go through each expense and decide if they are seperate or shared. You both have to agree, give arguments for the reasons. Once you have a list of shared expenses, set up a seperate account and deposit half of the money to pay for the shared expenses in it on a monthly basis. Have him do the same. Then he can have his money and you can have yours.

If he expects you to pay for the car and insurance, and he uses it, he needs to pay for gas and maintenance, or else he can't use the car at all.

Answer 6

Money and budgeting can become a big issue if its not going right. I definitely have been there. I would sit down and have a talk with him and go over everything. There his children too, he shouldn't be stingy when it comes to things for them, and he should be more than happy to help you out. He doesn't seem like a very family involved kinda guy. You do have to come up with a budget with him, and get organized. You can present the material to him, but the only thing you don't have control over is his response. Do your best sweetie. Good luck!

Answer 7

I think bills that impact on both should be shared. Utility bills etc. Also I think it should be equal yet adjusted to earning power. For instance if I earn double to that of my bf I think I should carry 67% of the bills So that we both have spending money I will still have more left over yet my bf also has money
In your case I think as kids are involved he should pay at least equal to that

Answer 8

okay, when you live together, things should be evenly split. The bills, the groceries, everything. When my husband and I lived together before we got married, I made more money than him, but instead of taking his half of the bill/grocery money, and letting him have the rest, and doing the same with my paychecks, we go a joint checking account, and put the bill money in it, and any leftover money was ours. not his, and mine, but ours. so instead of me having more spending money, we had the amount left for the both of us to spend. that was gas, cigs, if we wanted a cd or something, anything that we wanted for ourselves or the apartment came out of it.

Write down all the monthly bill amounts, and split the cost of all of them, unless it is something personal like a subscription or something like that, that really is only one of you, then its okay to exclude that. make the budget, and make him pay half the bills, and share the extra money. don't split it up like okay there's 200 bucks left this pay, i get 100, u get 100. just share it. it doesn't matter who spends more or less of it, because you live together, its not yours or mine, its ours. If he has issues with helping pay for 'your' car that he uses all the time, make him get his own car, and don't let him have the keys to yours. If he won't budget and split money right, then just make sure that you can make it on your own, because you may want to tell him to get out. If he is using the whole his money your money shctick now, he always will. my in laws have been married like 40 years, and he still does that to her.

Answer 9

Try to explain that you are already a family and that's why you need to contribute equally to all expences. But honestly the man should support the family and children. He need to realize that you and children deserve more ...