My husband and I starting dating 8 years ago, and we have been married for a little over 5 years now. I have an 11 yr old from previous marriage. He knew before we got married that I wouldn't be able to have children and he said he was ok with that. Now he's telling me that he's been lying to himself and me for the last 5 years and that he has started to regret getting married at all. I told him that there were things we could do to have a child but he said that he didn't know if he was still in love with me or just love me as a friend; and that it wouldn't be fair to anyone if he didn't want to continue being my husband. I am still very much in love with him and always will be, he knows this, but when I told him that he said he just needed some space. He doesn't want for either of us to leave, just sleep in different rooms. Is there any hope for us? I am willing to do whatever it takes for him to be happy. What can I do to get through this? It's really ripping my heart out.
2007-10-01 06:27:49 · 28 answers · asked by rcarnalla@sbcglobal.net 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Move on with your life. Sounds like he wants to hold you hostage so you can't go out and have your own life, but he wants to move on and do as he pleases.
Don't fall for it.
Good Luck!!
2007-10-01 06:32:00 · answer #1 · answered by Jazzy, I Miss U Love! 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would say the first thing you must understand is they YOU cannot make a clear call on this - your head and your heart are so very hurt and hurting at the moment.
If you feel that you cannot go to a professional for help - the best advise I can offer you is to take this slowly. If he still wants to live together - then there is no reason on this earth to have a knee jerk reaction.
Can you make yourself strong? Can you get your head together? Can you stop thinking about the 'what ifs' and focus on what is happening now?
You are not thinking straight at the moment - so stop - and gather you thoughts and make a plan.
Ask yourself if he still loves you - really. Or is he staying because it is convenient. Is he staying for financial reasons. What does he think that the future holds? Is he going to start to date at any time in the future - and if so - surely he can not expect you to bear that knowing that you still love him. That would be cruel.
I guess that I have to say it - others will. So forgive this on - it is a bit insensitive but has to be said.
Do you have any indications that he has any gay leanings?
The fact that he is choosing to have seperate beds is not a good sign. I am sorry if that is out of the question and you find it upsetting - but just get that one out of the way and deal with what is left.
I am very very sorry for your situation - it is too awful.
But for your sake and the sake of your daughter you have to make yourself well and strong and clear headed.
Way down the road - when you know for sure what is happening - then perhaps it will be you who makes the ultimate decision to say that it is over.
You will not believe this now - but you will love again - and be loved. I know that is not helping now but maybe you will remember those words when you need some strength.
Take time to be gentle with yourself. Avoid angry encounters - but most of all - give time time.
Good luck sweet lady.
2007-10-01 06:41:04 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I hate to say it but almost always when this happens there is another woman involved. He doesnt want to "cheat" on her by sleeping with his wife. I have known couples who have gone on forever like this and in the end he leaves.
He isnt working on loving you, not when he has distanced himself in this way. This is not the way to work things out, or to put some effort into the marriage to see if the love is still there.This is his first move towards the door.
Every relationship and marriage has its ups and downs and unforunately a large number of people these days think it should be ALL up, all honeymoon, and they arent prepared to stick around when it hits a low period.
I know how very much this hurts, you could ask him, but only if you are prepared to deal with the answer you might receive. You have to decide how much you are willing to put up with and for how long. There is no magic answer to this one. You dont even know whats going on because all the cards arent on the table. I am so sorry you are going through this kind of pain. Its cruel IMO to not just be honest with people, especially those who love you.
2007-10-01 09:13:52 · answer #3 · answered by isotope2007 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, first and foremost, I am sorry you are going through this. As for your situation, well, it doesn't sound too good. Maybe he just needs some freedom to remind himself why he chose you. If you two separated for a while he will be able to do that, or figure out what he needs to be happy. Give both of you some time ans space to think it over. I know that there are people that do live together but sleep in different rooms, and get along fine, but it sounds like that would just hurt you more seeing him without you. My suggestion would be asking him to rent an apartment for a while and gather himself so that he can figure out how he feels, and to come and talk to you when he is ready. I really hope this helps.
2007-10-01 06:35:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your husband is a jerk! Plain and simple. My guess is that your husband is in a relationship with someone else or wants to pursue a relationship and is using the fact that you can't have biological children with him as the reason. It's hurtful enough to hear that your husband is no longer in love with you and does not want a traditional marriage, but that it's your fault because you cannot have more children. You told him up front that you were unable to conceive/carry a child and he was fine with that. There are plenty of other ways to have children (adoption/using a surrogate/etc). My guess is that he knows that you love him and don't want to lose whatever little of him you have so you'll agree with his selfish "plan" while he pursues other relationships and if they don't work, well he still has you to fall back on.
Don't be a security blanket for this guy; don't be a doormat. Muster up as much courage as you have and tell him to get out! IF he wants to work things out, then go for it if you want to, but you MUST stand up for yourself. If you don't, you will be as miserable as you are right now. It's better to end it, than drag it on for months and months having false hope of a reconcilation.
I feel absolutely horrible for you! I am so sorry this is happening to you. I cannot imagine! Good luck!
2007-10-01 06:40:33 · answer #5 · answered by Susan D 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am really suspicious there is something more going on here. Your husband may be a really nice guy, but I am suspicious about an extra marital affair. Could he have turned gay or be seeing someone else and having a lot of guilt over it. What your husband is doing is called mental abuse. or mental cruelty. He is a dirtbag for not just packing his bags and moving out, so you can get on with your life.
Basically after you have been married for a number of years, marriage takes a lot of work. You will have to think about what is best for you and your child.
Maybe you 2 should have marriage counseling to get to the bottom of this issue. I dont think he is telling you everything.
You deserve so much more.
2007-10-01 06:35:55 · answer #6 · answered by happydawg 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
This is a tough situation. Sounds like he is used to being around you and is afraid to leave. Do NOT let him do the seperate sleeping thing...bad bad idea. Fastforward 5 years and imagine you are still doing this. It will give your 11 year old a horrible picture of what married life is like and will mess his or her future relationships up. You have to get to the root of the problem. Ask him if he is willing to do therapy or if he really has no interest in getting the love back at all. He needs to be up front for your sake and your childs. Dont let this man play games with your family, kick him to the curb if he is unwilling to work or leave, dont settle for anything less. Stay strong and good luck:)
2007-10-01 06:33:39 · answer #7 · answered by ash 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
wow. Hi im sorry for that. Ok play some reverse psychology!! Look remain friends with him as he says. Act like you'll soon be dating some other ppl(YOU DONT HAVE TO) just act like you will. you know , new lingerie new hairstyle, go to new places meet new people. Look naturally things like this will make you glow!! He will start noticing some sexy change in you. If he asks tell him you're having a nice time in life. Don't ask him to join or anything. Look usually men want things they cant have. And let it seem that way even if it might be hard on your heart..
when was the last time you felt super sexy? ok come on spice up your life!! It's worth trying dont youthink?and well if it doesnt work trust me someone will notice how lively and sexy you are!!!!!!!good luck!!
2007-10-01 06:51:54 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, honey, you won't always be in love with him. It just seems that way right now because the situation is ro fresh and raw. Why in the world would you say you are willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy? He is obviously no longer in love with you. You can't be that needy. I promise you there is someone else out there who will not make you climb razor-blade mountains to be with them. He is toxic to you. Almost an addiction. He doesn't want you, but he wants to stay friends, live together. For what? So he can continue to be the brightest light in the dim room of your life? You have hooked your heart to his, and him walking away from you is what's ripping your heart out. Unhook yourself from him. You can't change free will. He said he didn't want to continue being your husband. Take him at his word, and let him go. Focus on your child, and just let it go. I'm praying for you.
2007-10-01 06:44:47 · answer #9 · answered by TwyztedChyck 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like your husband has met someone else but he wants you around in case it doesn't work out.If he strikes out at one place he has you in the next room to break the fall.Do yourself and your child a favor and move as far away from this guy as you can.It will hurt less now than if you wait for him to bring some woman home with him.Sorry.Good luck.There a millions of men out in the world that wish they could just find a woman that didn't cheat but there are also guys that only want to see how many they can have.
2007-10-01 06:37:34 · answer #10 · answered by notagain49 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sounds to me that he wants to stay with you for financial convenience (its SO hard to make it alone today) and possibly be with another (or other woman)
I wouldn't put up with that none sense. What may happen is he may look for another woman, and when he finds her he will be outta of your house so fast.. and you can probably forget about that "friends business" once that happens.
I'm sorry, but what he did sucks. Unfortunately, all to often things sound ok at first (the not having children for one) but then minds tend to change.
I cannot have children either, its not an easy thing.
Good luck hun.
2007-10-01 06:34:58 · answer #11 · answered by Jo 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋