Wife's affair...do I leave it alone?

Question

My wife had an affair a few years ago. It was a long distance thing with an old boyfriend. I first discovered it because of some flirty e-mails on the computer. Then, over a period of months, it came out that he had come to our city to meet her, and that she had arranged to meet him out of state as well, etc.

Well, we are over that. We've been in counseling for a few years, and that has helped. It is a challenging process. I've learned a lot about myself, and her, and our relationship. Its very positive.

But here's the rub: She never admitted to actually having sex with him. Its weird, but that is the only part that is still bothering me. I've gotten to the point where I really don't care one way or another, but I still feel betrayed by the fact that she never admitted it. I haven't brought any of this up for over a year.

So, do I just leave it alone, or do I bring it up? If I bring it up, what if she still denies it? Its not about the sex at this point. I just want the truth.

I suppose there is a possibility that they really didn't have any sexual contact, but that seems far fetched. I have a hard time imaging a man traveling 500 miles and meeting up with a woman in his hotel room (that's as much as she has admitted) and NOT having sex. Seems unlikely. That's why it bothers me, actually. Its like she is making a point of humiliating me with this. The circumstances make her denial just so unbelievable, but she has steadfastly held to her story.

Tomato, that's what I'm afraid of. Some of you are right I guess: I just don't believe her denials. What if she denies all over again? What have I gained by bringing it up. I honestly wish she would just admit that something happened. That I could believe. I guess I feel like as long as she is denying this, the betrayal is continuing.

sxybrwneyedgrl29 that's a very good answer. Thanks. The only comment I would have is that I'm not particularly interested in a "play by play". Like you said, that's best left alone.

All I want is for her to admit that they had sexual contact. She doesn't need to be more specific than that.

Answer 1

Hasn't it come up in the counseling? What do you think would happen if you just said to her, look, I can't help believing in my heart that the two of you had sex. And I forgive you for it. I still love you. We will work through it. But it would mean a lot to me if you would just be honest and tell me the truth about it. That's what I would do.

Answer 2

I feel what you're saying @ 100%. I know you both have come a long way....and for the better.....that you don't wanna interfere with. Yet.....you just have to hear her say it. Her admitting it, is basically "her" first step to regaining trust and the first step for you "both" to regain control over your marriage. The fact that it bothers you, grants you the right to bring it up and discuss it. The fact that you both still attend this counseling together may work to your advantage, in doing so. This may be the time and place for you to bring it up, considering that the counselor can be used as the mediator and can also guide you through this difficult and emotional conversation.
Try not to worry if she denies it again. If you are going to bring up this conversation and its importance, to you, about it, then you have to accept her "final" answer, whether she agrees or not. If you feel she is still not being fully honest, you need to decide how to take that. I personally feel that if someone can't be honest...after counseling, and after years in between, then what is the counseling for, plus that shows they haven't learned much.....to lie, when trust was already lost...not a good sign. If this is the outcome, and you choose not to accept her answer and to keep your mind boggled with it, just know it ain't healthy. I agree that you should mention it and I agree that you should tell her how you feel, whether you agree with her or not or whether you stay or not. She should know of the importance this is to you....its actually a good way to test how far you both have actually gotten.
So, based on your ?, I learned that there has been improvement for the marriage, I learned that you have forgiven her of her actions that she has admitted to, and I learned you have interest in making things work by attending to these counseling sessions. Now, if you decide to procede with this conversation, and if she has learned from this experience she will understand why you ask this ? verses feeling attacked and will truthfully answer. Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

you started off saying she had an affair. but later explained she has never admitted as such. (affair meaning, sexual to me.) flirty emails with an ex... well, they might not even have been flirty (to her) but if you discover the emails, they might have seemed more flirty because they had not been disclosed.

the real issue is a trust issue. if she says she hasn't and you suspect you have, you just can't trust/believe her.

THAT my friend is the issue. yes, one that does tend to come up when a partner is... not even unfaithful with their body - trust issues come up when a partner discovers something about the other they didn't know and they think they should have known.

in your marriage - are you allowed to have any secrets from eachother, or is there expected to be full disclosure on everything? i think it is important for people to have a life outside the marriage, even so they can return to that marriage every night, and choose it.

if she was unfaitful and does admit it, does that make any difference in terms of 'now you can ask for a divorce at her fault'? because this might be a factor too. I am not saying that it is: because where i live there is 'no fault divorce' i.e. no matter who does what, assets are split.

what's the truth, anyway? the truth is you don't trust her. and you're living in the past. you are a slave to this moment long gone, it's running you. it doens't matter if she did or didn't, because this woman controls you (whether deliberately or not.)

your choice to live like this. you can't MAKE people tell the truth... you can't MAKE people do what you want them to.

you could ask her. sure. once and for all. in counselling, or in a cute happy connected moment. but be prepared to open up the can of worms all over again. i know it's hard, you live with this woman, and it's in your face every day. hey, she had an ex. hey she slept with him when they were together. hey, there may or may not have been an overlap, stuff happens, she's with you now. and has been for a very long time.

it's just your ego that wants to 'win', having some knowing of some fact that can just give you peace. all your wanting and yearning is for this fact to be true. then you can feel good about yourself, her, trust her. however there is no THING you can know in the universe, that can give you this much certainty. that's the rub.


the rub is how much energy you are putting into this 'true or false' game, how much weight you are putting on it.

only you can decide how important this is.
she slept with him, yes - how do you feel?
she slept with him, no - how do you feel?

she's already told you 'the truth' (may or may not be) and you don't believe it. -how do you feel?

i reckon those are the bottom line issues.
it's so sad that we give others all this power to make us feel good instead of finding it inside. but good luck eh, finding your 'truth'.

Answer 4

Ever see the movie Spainglish? If so remember the part where she goes to confess that she had an affair, and she wanted to tell him all the dirty details to free her own guilt, and he basically says why, the details are basically trivial to the fact that she cheated on him..so no details are necessary..

What im trying to say, is the details arent important.. the fact is she cheated on u, emotionally and physically whether she went all the way or not, whether she admits it or not, it doesnt matter.. your holding on to something that will only cause the wound to open more, u say its about the truth, but its not, u know the truth, problem is she isnt admitting to it..so its killing u inside.. and you know that if she said yes we had sex, it would only open the wound all over again.. then there would be more questions.. what exactly did u do, did u do this, did u do that, how was it, is he better then me, etc, and it would just hurt u more, and u'd in turn hurt ur marriage more by having more ammo to throw at her then u already do.. your marriage is at a point where the healing is starting to happen yet u want to open the wounds again..

You werent there, u didnt see it with ur own eyes, so ur mind runs crazy with thoughts of what if's.. and i get that, but she will never be able to give u a play by play that ur happy with.. you'll never know if she's leaving something out, u'll never know if she's lying or not, so nothing she can say will ever take the pain away from you, because right now, YOUR own mind is being YOUR worst enemy..

So my question to you is.. are u liking that ur marriage is starting to heal or is there still a part of u thats wanting out of the marriage, or rip her up more or even likes the hurt , and pain to much to actually get over it?

If u needed to know the truth, as u claim u do, u would of made a point in finding out the truth 2 years ago, not now when things are starting to get better.. so theres an underlined reason of feeling the need to know.. and if it was that important to know and she didnt tell u, u would of left 2 years ago till she did fess the truth, but u didnt, so that time has come and gone and u need to let go of it if u want ur marriage to continue to heal.. if not then u need to stop wasting everyones time and go.. but this constant need to self distruct ur marriage by needing to know the "details" is not going to do any good, not going to change the past , and only make ur present situation and possibly ur future worse..


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ in response to ur added details..

Why must u know when deep inside your heart u know already? She cheated on you intimately, whether by words, actions, emotions.. its all the same so u already know the answer, and in ur heart u know that 1 + 1 = 2.. she can deny all she wants, u know the truth.. and part of u right now is holding on to a hope that she's telling u the truth, it would be easier for u to hold on to a thought of her emotionally cheating on u rather then thoughts of her having sex with another man, but she's telling u she didnt and ur still not happy with the answer, the only answer u will be happy with is the answer u already feel is true which is that she did.. and thats the only answer u will accept whether she did or not.. so why do u need her to admit to something that you already "believe" ...

Answer 5

knowing the truth is not going to bring u closure its going to make it worse. yes she cheated on u, but if your trying to move past this u got to invest in the future. u cannot control what happened but u can control how u deal with it. sure your ego hurts, and maybe it will never be what it was before all this but bringing it up now is useless, and maybe the woman is ashamed and loves u, don't put her on the spot and make her have to reveal what she doesn't want to. right now its never been acknowledged, or even admitted to, so she felt she could do the counseling, and restore the marriage, if u make her admit to it she may feel so guilty it could cause an effect u don't want to happen. if she isn't cheating now on u and your in therapy, leave it alone, don't dredge up something that will take away her dignity if she is forced to reveal it. revealing it will only bring her dishonor and more hurt, don't u think she is ashamed of it?

Answer 6

You said "I've gotten to the point where I don't really care one way or the other." But if you still have this on your mind, then it is bothering you. I believe you need to communicate this during one of your counseling sessions. It will be hard to talk about at first, but it needs to be out in the open. The only problem is, if you hear the answer that you don't want to hear, it will still take many more counseling years to overcome that.

Answer 7

Yeah...'the truth'. can't you be satisfied in knowing its over. Nooo...you want to open up old wounds. Wounds you bore...not her. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get over this crap. Let it go. You don't need to know what occurred. You don't really care one way or the other but yet it still bothers you. You don't want truth...you just want details about junk you haven't the answers for.

Of course if you're hell bent on destroying all that you've achieved with her after this and have no intention of keeping the relationship intact then go ahead. If anyone can be the architect of its total destruction...let the blame lie with you. I suspect you'll blow it anyway. Just you're remark "If I bring it up what if she still denies it?" So...she did admit to you that no sex occurred. Yet...you don't believe her. So...if she says they did...does that mean she's lying as well about that as NOT having sex with him...which you don't believe.

You seem to have a masochistic streak in you? Like having people hurt you? She told you NO....so consider it the truth. If you can't...maybe you're the one who needs more counseling..not her.

Answer 8

let sleeping dogs lay...If you were over it then you wouldn't have asked this question...right? Sometimes when people jeopardize our trust it takes a long time to gain it back. You have to either tell yourself you are going to trust her and look forward, not the past... or you can decide that you are probably never going to fully trust her, question everything she does and make her and yourself miserable until you drive the relationship apart. It a decision you have to make for yourself... you are either in or out and that's your decision completely. This is never an easy situation. Good luck , wish you both the best.

Answer 9

If you really forgive the deatails should not matter but if they do then you really have not forgiven. I dont know if you will find peace even if you do know the truth becasue if you cannot handle the next sentence, yes i did and he had a really big memeber and it was really good even better than you, you have not and never will forgive her. it dosent matter if she did or not she still betrayed you and if you have choosen to forgive then do so and let peace come into your heart. The truth hurts just forgive and live.

Answer 10

2nd Paragraph, Well we are over that?

ARE YOU? Sounds to me like you are nowhere close to being over it.

If she does admit to having sex is it going to change anything? NO, NOT A DAMN THING WILL CHANGE.

What is really going on is that you are truly hoping that she didn't have sex with the dude and that you are the one with the hang up.

When in reality, you know that she was getting that thing torn up both in town and out of town.