Divorce or not to divorce?

Question

My husband cheated on me 1998. Het met the woman in the internet through chatting. I found out that he was cheating on me 2002 when my son was 3 y/o. I forgave him trusting him that he will stop chatting through the internet. Until I found out 2006 that he was in contact still with the woman ("as friends" as he puts it) through IMs. I tried to forgive him again but this time, with the ultimatum: Never to catch him chatting again or never to chat again. Yesterday, I found out he was chatting with women again. He was saying they are just friends talking and he did not really have friends to talk to. I was hurt. He does not consider this "cheating" but for me it is. Even my son catches him chatting. I'm confused. The thought of divorce and what comes with it scares me. I'm thinking about my son. I don't know if I can still forgive him. We are not talking, and he does not want a divorce, he wants to work things out. But for me, it's still hard to trust him though I still love him. HELP!

Answer 1

I saw him in Fridays with another man yesterday. Watch out, is getting hot in there!

Answer 2

II think that at this point you should try counseling. I think both of you need a third non biased opinion to see a holistic view of what is going on with your situation. I think what hurts you the most is that what he could easily find in you what he seeks in these women he doesn't. Counseling would be best. Try it out and see where it goes it could lead to either getting back together stronger or splitting up but I am sure that it will be a good outcome for you. Just try to be happy and any problem can be fixed and made into a better situation regardless if you stay or split apart. Besides the only man you really need now is your son.

Another thing about the cheating maybe he is or maybe he isn't and maybe you will never know but be sure that all bad deeds go punished. Don't let his stupidity ruin your life, don't obsess to find out if he did or didn't cause God will punish him. Just try to be happy lady. Good luck I hope God sends you His guidance and you learn to have the open mind to receive it and the confidence and courage to do it.

Answer 3

I can understand that you’re feeling hurt, angry and betrayed. It's hard to be jealous. I know I’m also a bit jealous sometimes. But you must remember that chatting is just communication. It's not a problem if his chatting. Men are allowed to have girls as friends. Just as we lady’s have a rite to have male friends.
What exactly are they chatting about?? Is there any evidence that he is openly flirting?? His he making rude and inappropriate remark and suggestions??
My personal feeling is that some men look at naked pictures and drool over sleazy websites and books. Others get rid of their boyish urges by chatting. I don't see it as cheating. Although it hurts knowing that he's talking too or looking at other woman, cheating only starts when he start to desire them or when he puts them before his love for you.
I like the idea of getting rid of the software, but that might just force him to look for other ways of communicating.
I'd go for counseling, open communication between partners is always the best way to solve problems, you might find that he's guilty; in witch case you should divorce his sorry ***!! The opposite might also be true and you might find that he's truly innocent.
If he continuous to chat to the same woman he cheated you with, them girl you know what to do. Think about your son. People are forever worried about the effects of divorce on children, but no-one seems to think about kids growing up in houses where there's constant fighting and pain. It's not an easy decision, but follow your head, your heart normally ends you up in even more pain.
Good luck!!
Go on you knees and pray God to give you the right answers!

Answer 4

You have caught your husband chatting with another woman on the Internet and that is the cause of your 'non-talking' with one another. Of-course, if it is done continuously by him even after you have called his attention, he is not sensible towards you as his wife. He may be looking for entertainment or to pass his time, but he can always do something else which is more meaningful and uplifting for his well-being and for the entire family.
This problem of your husband seems not so deep as he has just been chatting on the Internet. But if he doesn't stop it, it will lead him to lose his mind and even contribute a lot of suffering to his own family. You can still save him and your marriage. Would you like to invite him to see a marriage counselor? Both of you must attend it together. I have known many with similar problem and they had been helped through counseling but both of you must attend it, not only one party.
On the other hand, just continue to show him kindness and love. Love and kindness melts the heart and bring him to conversion. Your family is precious. Let separation be far from you mind. Try to work it out positively with patience.

Answer 5

Why are you not talking?????
It would seem that you are the one wanting a divorce - if he wants to work things out, then you both need to communicate.
Maybe he has been unfaithful again, or maybe not.
I think by restricting his contact with other women, you have encouraged it. It's a bit like leaving a child in front of the pick and mix counter and telling it not to eat sweets.
I hope that for all your sakes, it was purely chat, and that is all he has let you down with.
If you can discuss the issue, and not hide things, your relationship should improve.
Divorce is an awfully painful thing to do.
I'm sure he loves you.

Answer 6

Do you trust this man at all any more? It's possible that he really isn't cheating now, just talking. But does that even matter at this point? I know you're worried about a divorce and hurting your son. But if you can't get past your mistrust of your husband you're going to live in a very tense home.

It's not likely you're going to be able to prevent your husband chatting online, but maybe you can force him to keep logs of his conversations and then you can check them at random. That way you'll at least know what kinds of things he's talking about. If he completely refuses, then he's probably flirting with these women on-line and knows you'll be unhappy about it. That's not quite as bad as cheating, but with his past, pretty damn close.

Basically you need to decide if you can find a way to work this out. And if not, you need to figure out if staying is worse than leaving.

Answer 7

I am not a huge advocate of divorce, however trust is a big issue for any marriage once it is broken. I suggest some counselling and then see how you feel. My husband used to get calls from an old girl friend and I found them hurtful. After discussing it a putting himself in my position he agreed not to take her calls anymore. I totally trust him and that wasn't the issue, the issue was why he felt the need to keep her in the loop.

Answer 8

I just want to say that a life with someone that you don't love but you do trust is far better than a life with love and no trust.
Trust is far more important than love will ever be. I know I blew it the way he is and chances are he is not just talking if he has the chance to do any thing else. I know he is what I was and it will take a miracle or your leaving to change him and if you bring him back it will start again after a while. I would say that we are to stupid to learn.

Answer 9

It seems to me that trust and a simple lack of respect has become an issue. I can relate to your concerns--I should have divorced my husband long before I did--I was concerned about my kids. What I didn't realize at the time, is that by waiting I constantly exposed them to a very bad relationship. My kids grew up watching their father disrespect my feelings and now they think it's okay to do the same. If I had a chance to do it over again, I would have divorced him sooner than later.

Answer 10

Go to 'On line infidelity' there is a wealth of information about this evil that is ruining many, many marriages all over the world right now.

You will have to give him the ultimatum, you or them.

This is emotional infidelity and you are right he is cheating on you. Either get rid of your modem or throw out the cpu.
You can also get a key logger or web watcher and find out exactly what he is saying and what other women are saying to him.

He is cheating on you in your own home. Other women are coming into your home and cheating with your husband, while you are there.

Of course he denies it is bad, he wants to keep doing it.

Don't be his door mat

Answer 11

true love means falling in love with the same person all over again.... inspite of all the mistakes he made. how can you say divorce when there is still love..... have you ever prayed deeply in your heart..... God will not allow you to suffer hard.... just believe that his wrong doings has it's end...... in time he will see all his mistakes...... and be sure that you are still beside him when that time happens. Pray to God and know yourself well..... maybe you also have some issues on your self as an individual to realize and make better. " you can resort to divorce all the time..... but ask your self will this action .... be acceptable to God..... divorce is a law that man made..... it is only for those people who are weak....cos they want to marry all the man or woman they want....! isn't great to grow old and realized that you only married once and have lived with one man for the rest of your life.....! God is good, trust him and make God your first love and things will be in right place.