My in laws say my 4 month old son is spoiled because he wouldn't stop crying when they watched him the other day. I told them he likes to be sung to, rocked, and have his bum patted and they wouldn't do it because they think babies should fall asleep on their own, and that all their babies didn't need so much coddling. My son hardly ever cries and no one else has ever had issues with him crying uncontrollably like that before, including his aunts who he hardly ever sees, so it's not an issue of him not being used to the people or the new environment.
I don't like the idea of leaving him with my in laws again. They seem like they don't know how to handle a baby, and I think my son is so passive and quiet. But then again, these are his grandparents....they have a right to see him and care for him every once in a while, right? I'm conflicted...help please!
2007-10-01 02:05:06 · 19 answers · asked by Astragalo 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Newborn & Baby
They see him every weekend, btw. We always bring him to them because they don't make the effort to come to us. I've tried to make us all into one happy family but it's getting difficult, to say the least.
2007-10-01 02:22:11 · update #1
They certainly should see him as often as possible, but if you feel they are not able to care for him well as an infant, then you certainly should not allow him to stay with them alone.
It sounds like there is a lot of unrest and selfishness in their house, and iam sure he can pick up on it. Babies are really sensitive to unrest, it makes them fussy. Much in the way that an infant with a nervous mother often has colic.
Anyway, explain to them that you're sorry he offended them, and that no one else has had this problem with him before, and for his sake and theirs you will just be careful not to ask them to sit again until he's older.
As long as he can be apart from you with other people without carrying on then obviously he's fine. I imagine you're inlaws wanted him to sleep and stuck him off by himself and let him cry the whole time you were gone, instead of sitting with him. And that is cruel, he's not used to that treatment, and he's not used to their home, or them for that matter.
Its not okay for them to be like that. Some times as mothers we have to set seemingly unfair limits, even with inlaws. But its part of being mom.
2007-10-01 02:14:57 · answer #1 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Grant parents I know used to spoiled a child like my sisters mother in-law.Yours is different and I guess you really have a hard time dealing with your in-laws. On the other hand you are right that they were your child's grand parents, but complaining about the way you raise your boy is not quite okey for me. 4 month old baby is harmless, so how could they tell that he is spoiled already. That's all he know cry the whole time and I don't think mother should deprive baby's to cry. That's one way of exercising there lungs, better than not crying at all. Maybe they are just paranoid you know.Don't mind them as long as you know you're doing the right thing with your son. Visit them once in a while but don't you ever leave your son with them alone,so as to avoid mis understanding with you in-laws. You don't have to explain anything or reason out, just hear them out and ignore what they said. You and you alone has the right to raise your child the way you want it, for as long as it is the right way.
2007-10-01 02:39:31 · answer #2 · answered by lizy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't spoil your baby. Feeling loved is what makes a baby secure and happy and will help him grow up to be a happy and well adjusted child.
Babies pick up on a lot of cues from people and maybe he feels uncomfortable with your in-laws. Perhaps they are nervous or just too set ini their ways and baby senses that...
While I think your in'laws do have a right to see their grandson I don't think that you have to leave him with them. If you're not comfortablewith it and he's obviously not comfortable with it there is no point in upsetting the both of you. Supervise visits between them and maybe your son will get more comfortable around them in time. 4 months is awfully young to be expecyed to be away from mommy so he probably just misses you. Try again in a few months after he's a little older and they've had a chance to spend more time with him.
2007-10-01 02:22:40 · answer #3 · answered by ChefMel 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were you I would stop making the effort. You have done your part. If they aren't completely self-centered, then they will come around and start making their own efforts to see the child.
And the idea that they would assign blame for a 4-month old crying! I mean, they can't be serious! You tried to let them know what makes him happy and I don't see how those few little things make him spoiled! What else does he have at that age? Are they afraid he's never going to grow out of having his bum patted?!
2007-10-01 08:58:55 · answer #4 · answered by mel1026 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if your 4 month old is spoiled, i don't know what they would call my almost 1 yr old. I have her in a baby carrier on me for hours a day, and at the store. She is still breastfeeding, and wakes at least once in the night (I won't do the cry it out method), and she is a very happy baby!!!!
Your in laws have different views, maybe it was just how they did things. But time and research has shown that babies need all the love and attention they can get, and they need you to comfort them so they can feel secure with you. Maybe their babies didn't meed cuddling because their parents didn't offer it, so they became desensitized to it.
Continue what you're doing, and I wouldn't leave him with them again for a while, it seems stressful on you and hard on your little man.
By they way, to really get their heads spinning, you should try babywearing, check out the website below for a forum I belong to on attachment parenting and babywearing. it's the practice of carrying your baby on you, for closeness and comfort, also ease on your arms lol!! I love it, my baby loves it, and if they think he's spoiled now, just wait lol.
My mom thought I was a nut with my first daughter, didn't understand why I needed to use them, thought I was making a scene and wearing her for attention of others. Soon she realized how easy, comfortable, and neccessary it was for me to go about my day not having to hold a baby constantly. message me if you have any questions!!
2007-10-01 03:41:23 · answer #5 · answered by frogfairy 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to do what you are comfortable about. Your husband is passive and quiet because he learned as an infant that crying and fussing got him nothing. You don't want that for your child. Besides at 4 months the baby doesn't have a clue why his cries are not being responded to when that is what he is used to. And if your in-laws can't interact with your child and care for them following your guidelines then leave them with supervised visits only. That way you can care for the baby and they can still see him. Although I would start making them come to you, traveling with a baby is not easy and they should be willing to try and make things easier on you if they want to see their grandchild.
I have the opposite problem with my MIL, she questions me constantly on how I do things so that she can do the same when she is with my boy. And I haven't even left her to babysit yet LOL. How does he like to be held, how does he like to be burped, what angle do you hold his bottle at, what blankets does he like, etc.. I looked at her and said, Mom - you raised 3 babies and they survived, if he's not screaming he's fine. Burp him whatever way you want as long as the burps come out, just don't lay him flat to eat and make sure the blanket is clean. She has 5 other grandchildren as well that she sees and looks after regularly and they are all fine so I have to keep telling her to relax. My sister in laws say she is the same with them though, just wants to be the perfect Grandma LOL. Drives us all insane. In fact I am beginning to think that is purpose of in laws, keeps us on our toes!
2007-10-01 02:43:53 · answer #6 · answered by babybugs1980 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i wouldn't say he is spoiled. And if he is who cares, they are only babies onces!! And 4 months of age they are just so damn cute!
My Grandparents who are in their 60's have this very same opinion about babies. 'They should be seen and not heard, Charli' they tell me.
One of my twins, Tobias had colic as a baby and was nearly always in someones arms. And he used to cry a lot. It used to annoy me a lot.
I had a lot of teaching to do for my Grandparents. Their youngest grandchild was 9 and they never looked after her when she was a baby. But with some gentle nudging, I think i have bought them around.
Last time we visited my grandfather was making more noise than my 2 year old boys!! :)
Where my in-laws are the complete opposite. They expected me to be holding the boys 24/7.
You need to explain to your in-laws that this is your baby, spoiled or not, you are his mother and this is the way you are going to raise him!
2007-10-01 02:19:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your In-Laws are more old school. I firmly believe that babies at 4 months can't be spoiled, they deserve to be cuddled, sung to and just generally loved.
You can still have your in-laws over, maybe just not make it an long, unsupervised visit if you are that uncomfortable with it. Until you can get your little one to soothe himself to sleep, which is usually before 6 months.
Trust me, I love to cuddle with my babies. But the sooner you get them to soothe themselves to sleep on their own the much happier YOU will be in the long run. And it takes a while to do it, so just take your time and ease them into it.
2007-10-01 02:20:38 · answer #8 · answered by Aundrea 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, he is your son. You are doing nothing wrong. It is not "spoiling" your child to let them know that you will be there to love and comfort them. You do not have to jump everytime the baby squeaks, but you also do not have to let them cry themselves sick to prove a point.
What could be worse for a child than to be scared, lonely and needing comfort in a strange place and to be left completely alone to cry? Can you imagine how terrrible that is for a baby?
The in-laws have the right SEE their grandchild. They have the RESPONSIBILITY to respect your guidelines and rules concerning the child. If they cannot respect that, then they should only get visits supervised by you and/or your spouse.
2007-10-01 02:17:46 · answer #9 · answered by MWMAMA 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
at this age, you can't spoil a baby. Newborns need to be held and rocked and sung too because that makes them feel comfortable.
now maybe in about 4 or 5 more months you should try laying him down and letting him fall asleep on his own........
because the older they get, it's gets worse and very aggravating.
but at 4 months......... i do the same thing with my 2 month old.
the books say " Babies were snug and warm in your tummy and you need to do that for them when they are born too" They also say you can't spoil a newborn.
dont listen to them. Everyone always try to telll you how to raise your kids
2007-10-01 02:11:06 · answer #10 · answered by Cutie 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋