my husband and i have a blended family. he has 2 girls, one of whom is 12, the other is 10. we have been having serious problems for a few months now. the girls mom has not really been in their lives for about 6 years, so i have basically co-parented these kids for 6 1/2 years now. the problem is that the 12 year old has been acting out by lying, sneaking, talking back and being very disrespectful to me. when i discipline her, she runs to my mother and law, or she will call her real mom, and say that ive been being mean, and turning everyone against me. my marriage is suffering greatly, because everyone takes the girls sides, including my husband. the 12 year old is getting so out of control, that i just feel like giving up most days and calling it quits with my marriage. my husband told me he wanted a divorce back in july because of a situation that was blown out of proportion. but i hung in there and convinced him that we should work it out. i am still unhappy, and so is he. help!!
2007-09-30 13:40:27 · 20 answers · asked by regina j 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
yes, i have one girl (different father), and we have one girl, 4 y.o. together
2007-09-30 14:04:13 · update #1
You are in a difficult situation and I feel for you. Without a united front displayed toward her between you, your husband, your mother-in-law and Mom, consisting of established rules, responsibilities and respectfulness, you will remain in a losing battle. Children are master manipulators and the power to cause dissention within the marrige has already been given. You are being manipulated by the child AND by the adults.
I believe a few sessions with a family / marriage counseler would benefit greatly in helping your husband understand that ultimately, children benefit when both parents work together to establish and adhere to similar parenting views and expect other family members to respect those decisions. Meanwhile, perhaps try changing your reponses to this girl. ie. state your grievance quietly, simply and matter of factly , and go about with what your were doing. Do not give her the power to control your reactions. Sometimes you winwith non-respnse. Give yourself the power to regulate hers. Unexpected praise, compliments , or attention/teasing, etc. when its deserved
2007-09-30 16:59:14 · answer #1 · answered by Georgie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why are u so unhappy over kids that's not even urs i know u love these girls & care about their well being but the bottom line is ur not their mother and that's why they are playing every body against u and ur huband should know better if he asked u for a divorce it's not only because of the children it sounds much deeper then that maybe yall should talk to someone about getting some kind of help u need to make ur self happy make a list of all the bad things thats going on with the family and make one of the good things and if the bad out weight the good then maybe its time to seperate for a little while i don't like to see people go their own ways but it's something to think about.*
2007-09-30 21:10:39 · answer #2 · answered by shay love 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Welcome to the teenage years! This is normal (but not acceptable) behavior from her.
Its up to you and your husband NOT TO ALLOW her to manipulate the two of you. She is learning which buttons to push (mum-in-law and birth mum), and the reaction she's getting is showing her its working.
Do you husband and you agree on discipline matters? If not, then she's got a way of getting in between the two of you. Get together and work out what you both find acceptable and stick to it, otherwise be prepared to have this girl run your lives for the next few years.
Its always hard to work with a blended family, but if you and your husband stand together as a team, you can get passed this.
2007-09-30 20:59:47 · answer #3 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If my husband told me he wanted a divorce he could have one. Maybe it's time for you to let go. Things aren't getting any better and they are only going to get worse, especially with the way the 12 year old is acting. If she is lying and everyone is willing to take her word over an adult then it is a losing battle and your marriage doesn't stand a chance of making it. Let it go and find someone who will listen to what you say.
2007-09-30 20:54:19 · answer #4 · answered by moonchild 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Shame on your husband for acting that way. He is the one who should be taking control of his daughter. Unfortunately, this is a stage that so many children go through at her age. You need to sit down with your husband and both set ground rules for the children. Then agree what the punishment will be if they do not follow them. The heck with what the other family members think. You are the one getting all the abuse.
2007-09-30 20:46:54 · answer #5 · answered by Jodi 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
its a difficult situation,it sounds like these are signs of a preteen of feeling isolated& alone, harmones racing, stress from school,as a family you all will have to sit and begin spending time together at dinner,time on the weekends, well at least one day on the weekend,have one day of the week that you come together &discuss what is going on in there lives as yours, set some rules one person speaks at time ,if angry ask for a time out,come back when calm,etc,start by sharing how you feel, use I, statements,ask for ther input let them know, if were going to make it as a family we need to start commincating with each other more get family counsling if needed,if nothing changes after giving it your best, then you my need to move on, at least you gave it a try.hope all the best, its not gong to be easy what ever you decide. i know ive been there.
2007-09-30 21:09:15 · answer #6 · answered by elizabeth m 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
let him and his girls go. apparently they mean more to him than your marriage and the girls know that they can get him to go against you know matter what they have done and thats not right nor is it fair to you. so let him and his girls go on their marry way. and trust they will become statistics which am sure they will because apparently he allows them to not follow rules and be disrespectful to adults. its only a matter of time before the monster he is creating rears its ugly head at him and the family. so cut your loses and put this one in the column of lesson learned. life is too short to be married and unhappy. so give him his divorce and move on. you deserve better than him and his kids disrespectful behavior. GodBless
2007-09-30 21:00:38 · answer #7 · answered by Crystal G 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the girl has such a problem with you then your husband should become more active in discipline. Its not fair to you....If it's easier for him to leave then let him. If he is not willing to fight for you then why try? She is 12---name one 12 year old girl going through puberty who is not a b@tch? NOT ONE! She's playing the field and HE is letting her....She needs to not be able to run to your mother and her mom. They all need to stay out of it and let you and your husband work it out. It seems like he is blaming you....Raising kids is a TEAM effort and he needs to do his part
2007-09-30 20:52:35 · answer #8 · answered by Lana 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You, your husband and the kids need to see a good reputable family therapist to help you with your unpleasant situation or you will soon become a divorced woman. You cannot resolve this problem on your own and intervention is desperately needed NOW.
2007-09-30 20:46:19 · answer #9 · answered by Bethany 6 · 4⤊ 0⤋
you and your husband need to take parenting classes together.
congratulations. you have a teenager. my 9 year old does this to me all the time. stand your ground. keep up the discipline. when my son started with his disrepect, he was grounded for a full month. this menat no TV, mo movies, no friends, no games, no playing with anyone expect his little brother, no talking unless i talked to him. and yes, it was affecting my marriage. and my son also would call his dad everytime he was being punished. i just took as he was venting. all humans need to vent. don't take it personal. unless your husband starts being emotionally supportive, he has no right to complain about your parenting techniques. either he helps out, or he shuts up.
2007-09-30 20:54:03 · answer #10 · answered by Isabella S 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋