Am i right to object.?

Question

Have just found out that my brother-in-law and his girl friend are havin a baby boy, which is great news.
What I'm upset about is the name they have chosen.
They have informed us all that they are going to call him stephen.
The problem for me is 8 years ago my baby son, Stephen, died.
Their name choice is really upsetting me, but they have said "tough sh*t".
How can i make them understand, this name is special and to please not use it.

I know i don't have a say, but out of the hundreds of boys names, to pick this one feels very cruel.

Irish Mommy, it's my husbands brother, sorry i can't get the pic to change at the mo.

Thank you to everyone who's answered. You have given me food for thought and the voice of reason that i was looking for. I'm a bit too emotional to think objectively about this at the moment. Will just have to wait and see what they decide to do.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry about the loss of your son. Did they tell you why they want to use the name? Does it also have any special meaning for them as well? I'm sure you explained how special the name is for you and how it is painful this name choice is for you. I hope they will find a way to understand your feelings.

Answer 2

This situation must be awful for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, even after 8 years it must still be very painful for you and this situation must be making the emotions very raw for you again.
I think your Brother-in-law & his girlfriend are being extremely insensitive but sadly there is really not much else you can do other than explaining how to them how you feel and it seems you've already tried.
If they are not prepared to take your feelings into account and reconsider their baby's name, and it certainly doesn't sound as though they will then all you can really do is try and change your perception of the whole situation.
You have to just keep telling yourself 'it's just a name'. Try not to let it get you down. It might take a very long time (if ever) to get used to it and they are being very selfish and hurtful but there's little else you can do.
Someone else suggested a letter which might help (even if they don't change their minds at least you'll know you've done your best to explain how you feel). Asking your hubby to have a chat may also help but honestly, I think you're just going to have to prepare yourself for the fact that they're probably going to go ahead with the name.
It will be really difficult for you but maybe doing and saying absolutely nothing more to them about it might be the answer. Sometimes people are stubborn and will dig their heals in the more someone objects to something. They probably feel that they're perfectly entitled to call their baby whatever they want (and I suppose they are) and feel determined not to back down but given some time to just think about it they might decide it's not the right choice afterall.
Whatever happens I hope you are able welcome your nephew with open arms and please don't let this cause you or your family any more hurt.

Answer 3

I am very sorry for your loss. I understand your hurt and anger that they would want to use the name Stephen. I do not agree with IrishMommy, however, that you should write them out of your lives because of this. Your brother-in-law's child will not understand why you do not "like" him. (That's the way he'll see it anyway.)

My suggestion is to have your husband talk to them about how hurtful this is. Maybe if he explains how wonderful it is that they are having a child, but that it would continue to be hurtful to the two of you, day in and day out.... Just maybe they will change their minds.

You most certainly have every right to object. However, maybe you should let the situation simmer for a while.

If they decide to go ahead and name their son Stephen, there sadly is nothing you can do. I pray that they open their hearts to your request and choose another name.

Answer 4

I could understand if they'd purposefully chosen Stephen to honor the memory of your son, but even if that were the case, they should have had the foresight to clear it with you first. After all, you'd think most would realize how sensitive a subject such a thing might be, and how much pain it could possibly cause.

I'm assuming from your wording that this is your wife's brother (or husband's ... the little generic "male" picture throws me off every time LOL)? If so, was it also HER son, or a child from a previous relationship (in which case this brother-in-law was probably not in the picture at that time and would therefore be unfamiliar with how important the name was to you)? I could sort of see how they might not have realized how thoughtless their choice was if they weren't part of little Stephen's life. Perhaps they didn't even realize that WAS your son's name prior to making their decision, and feel too attached to it to change it at this point? Likewise, it may have special meaning to them unrelated to your son (her father or his best friend, something like that?).

I'm in no way standing up for their apparently-unfeeling decision, mind you. Just trying to think of SOME explanation that would shed some light on their crudeness. ;) Because it definitely seems a thoughtless, even hurtful, choice, especially after you specifically informed them of the upset it was causing. :(

I'm sorry for your loss, by the way.

Edited to add: I don't think you're being petty and should helplessly assume it "their decision," and leave it at that. Certainly, there's little you can do to change their minds if you've told them the whole story and how their decision will hurt your family, but you don't have to live with it. Apparently some don't realize this, but it's fairly obvious that having a nephew with the same name as your deceased son would be a painful daily reminder of such a difficult, sad time in your life. I can fully understand how that would hurt, and how you'd be constantly reminded of YOUR Stephen at each and every milestone. If, knowing how hard it will be, you decide to write them out of your lives, I think that's a completely understandable position to take! Using the name -- despite knowing how much renewed pain it will cause -- is their decision. Choosing not to associate with them after such a blatant disregard of your family's feelings is yours. Give them the chance to make it right, but then do what you need to do.

Answer 5

I am so sorry for your loss.
It seems to me that your brother-in-law and his girlfriend are being incredibly insensitive and I can fully understand why your feeling the way you are.
Unfortunately though, there's not much you can do to stop them using this name, so I guess the thing to do from here is to start learning how to deal with it (easier said than done, I know).
Maybe you could think in the sense that it's wonderful to have a new life coming into the world, and to give that new and innocent life a connection to your little boy is actually a lovely thing?

Answer 6

I am so sorry.

It hurts so much to have your brother in law disregard your wishes that way. I know you feel like you don't have a say, but this is the sort of thing that can really cause a rift in a family because the hurt is so deep.

I imagine that this is your husband's brother. If that's right, I would have your husband talk to him. You have said your piece, but think if your hubby take his bro out for a drink and says:
"look, this should be a joyous occasion for the whole family, and it is, but you are causing my wife more pain than you know"
then maybe he will understand better. His girlfriend probably picked the name and she doesn't know you as well, and wasn't around 8 years ago. Hopefully he will be able to understand and explain it to her.

you are in my prayers! I hope that there is a happy ending to this disagreement. If they insist on using the name Stephen, as them to at least spell it differently, like Stefan or Steven. Maybe that will help you. You have every right to be upset about this, but please try to forgive them.

I wish your family all the best.
ps
consider writing them a letter so that you can explain your position and your feelings without them feeling attacked. Then maybe they will understand. Letters are less confrontational and you will be able to be more honest about your feelings.

Answer 7

Unfortunately with as upset as you are, there is no way you can tell them that they can't use the name. Instead of thinking about the pain of the name, you can turn it into a positive and be happy that your nephew is carrying on such a strong and good name like Stephen.

Answer 8

Tell them how you feel about naming their baby the same name as your son. Maybe they can come up with a compromise, like using Stephen as a middle name.

Answer 9

I understand the predicament you are in -- it seems though that your relationship with your brother in law and gf is not close enough for them to care - and if they don't care - you shouldn't stoop to their level and continuously complain about it. Relax and focus on the fact that this baby will carry a special name of a special boy and you will be there to tell this baby as he grows - what you all have lost and how thankful he has to be for every moment (in moderation, don't smother the kid)

Answer 10

Yes you are right to object, that is a very cruel and mean thing for them to do! If I were you I would make sure they know exactly how you feel and if they still dont change the name then you can just cut them out of your life, it may seem a little harsh but what they are doing is harsh too, you dont get anywhere in this life by being nice to everyone.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss x