another question about cheating?

Question

i honestly wonder and have asked people that have done it, how can you look your partner in the face after you did? how can you ask for trust while you know you cant be trusted? how can you sit there and say: i love you and only want you, to someone that gives you your all but you are giving yourself to someone else? how can a person be so coldhearted and selfish? asking for love but not willing to give, wanting still to be wanted but not wanting that same partner only? i never understood that and wonder all the time. how could someone possibly lay down and "make love" to their spouse after they slept with someone else?

Answer 1

Well, in my husbands case:
1. He had a real hard time looking me in the face.
2. He knew he lost my trust and knew he had to earn it back
3. He didn't lie about it; he said he loved me and only 'cared' for her; that he thought he could have us both; that she knew he loved me but he felt sorry for her and wanted to help her.
4. He said he felt old, unattractive, depressed.
5. He said he regrets every second of it and is ashamed of himself and it is hard for him to forgive himself
6. He said if it takes the rest of his life, he will show me that he is someone I can again trust
7. He said if I leave him, he will not go to her; but will live alone and die a lonely old man; that she is not anyone he could love
8. He said it was just sex; had nothing to do with me.
9. He said if he could take it back he would, but he can't
and many other things were said. Now, how can I lay down and make love to this man? This man was always faithful, kind, loving and never ever before gave me a reason to doubt him. This man is now distraught and hates himself for the pain he inflicted in our marriage. This man now feels foolish, stupid, used by her and so hateful of himself. Maybe it would be easy for you to just walk away from it all; but when I packed up to leave, this man sobbed the most heart-wretching sobs I've ever heard from any other person in the world; it was horrible, wounded sobs from his very soul and when I looked into his eyes, I saw the love he felt and still feels for me and how much his one-night stand damaged him also. I still love him very much and I couldn't leave him; as I saw the truth of what I really mean to him in his eyes and soul. So...I wanted to reach out to him, for his comforting me and my comforting him and the knowledge that in a split second all our years together could go down the drain. I loved him enough to try and understand and to start a new page in our marriage. I would not hesitate to leave him if he ever did such a thing again. But it was 'easy' to lay down with my husband; it felt right and strong and wonderful.

I always said I would leave if this happened, but I couldn't do it; and you would have to know him as I do to even understand why I stayed and why I still love him and am learning to trust again. Yes, he cheated but it was due to many things and he will never, ever be afraid to come to me to talk before he takes such drastic measures to fulfill his needs; be they emotional or physical. I am very happy we are still together, though many will never understand it. So...that is my story and I've made the choices I knew I was meant to make.

Answer 2

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. And it usually has very little to do with their spouses. Having been "the other woman" before I can tell you it's a communication issue more then anything. And sexual fantasy is also a big factor in it too.

Bottom line is people just do not communicate to each other. I have no idea why I knew more about Doug's life then his wife did. I always asked "does she know?' and he's say no.

But then are those that get married for the wrong reasons, but I believe those marriages can be fixed as well as one like Doug's. It just take communication on everything.

I know that in Doug's case the guilt was killing him, but he kept doing it. Until I ended it. He'll never tell his wife but he'll spend the rest of his life living a lie. At least you know the truth and you can go from there. I've seen marriages actually get stronger from and affair because it forces communication, but therapy is definitely needed.

You just need to decide if it's worth it for you or not to stay and try and work it out.

Answer 3

I think it is more about what they think they can get away with. Some people have no respect for them or their significant other. I think they can not control there feelings maybe or they do not care. I think it is about more then just being faithful I think it depends on which individual u are talking about. I know a lot of people and I know both faithful and unfaithful ones most of the time they are in some stupid fantasy world where they act like they have the worst problems relationship when in reality they are a whore or an *** hole. I think they are jerks and have no right to hurt another person like that so they can get off!!!

Answer 4

Where I could never do this myself, I do understand how some people can do that.

For many, cheating isn't about finding someone else to love, or spend their life with. It's about finding someone to gratify a whim, an urge, a primal need. Sometimes a man or woman wants it "dirty," and rather than insult their spouse, the person they respect and love, they find basically a surrogate lover. Someone they can act out these dirty fantasies with and not worry about looking them in the eye over breakfast the next day. It is, in it's own twisted way, their way of respecting their partner.

I know, I know, it's sick. Buuut, it's another point of view.

IMHO: Don't cheat, and learn to experiment with your spouse.

Answer 5

We will never know the answer to some of those questions. People do it all the time. I've always said "What goes around, comes around" I just say just sit back and watch those people go through bad days, mishaps, lost money,lost jobs and any other bad that can happen to them. While they're asking why are all these bad things happening to me you will know that karma strikes and strikes hard. I've seen it happen time and time again...It's really funny when it does. That's your payback. Don't stoop to their level and do the same thing, just watch it come back around*

Answer 6

Quite simple: They don't love this person.

As much as they may convince themselves........they don't. If you honestly loved someone you would never do something which could potentially cause their heart to break.

It comes down to temptation... if you honestly loved someone you wouldn't even let it cross your mind. For those who can look their partner in the eye and say 'I love you' knowing they are having an affair might as well stab their partner in the heart and say I didn't mean it.

Answer 7

Because they can even manipulate their own mind to be as selfish as they want. These are spoiled people that have always been used to getting things done their own way.

Answer 8

SPEAKING STRAIGHT UP

TO SOME MEN NOT ALL NOW-- A DICK HAS NO CONSCIENCE.

ALSO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY IS IT TAKES TWO TO HORIZONTAL FOLK DANCE

IN YOUR SITUATION DO NOT ASK WHY-JUST LEAVE-THEY NEVER CHANGE. LIKE PEDOPHILES. IF THEY THINK ALL WOMEN WANT THEM, OR THEY ARE WOMAN'S BEST FRIEND OR GODS GIFT TO THE EARTH, GET ON WITH A LIFE AND DIVORCE THIS ONE, HE WILL ONLY HURT YOU OR GIVE YOU A DISEASE YOU CANNOT LIVE WITH. HE DOES NOT CARE EXCEPT ABOUT HIMSELF--SELF CENTERED ASSHOLE.

Answer 9

There is no real good answer to this qustion and I think I should ask you this way. I was treated badly and I was accused of it often enough and when a guy started to show me attion it felt nice and I felt like he cared

Answer 10

Because some people really CAN separate sex from love.