My husband wants a divorce and I don't understand why?

Question

For the past several months my husband has been moody and cranky . I have kissed his butt. Trying to please him. Things were somewhat better. Then out of the blue they got much worse. I think he suffers from depression but he is unwilling to get help. Everyone I know thought it was because I went back to work last year but its been over a year. He will not talk about the things that bother him to me or a professional. He is very close minded about doctors Last week my daughter told me he asked her when we get a divorce would she want to live with him or me . Then was angry with her for saying me. She let it eat at her for a couple of days then asked me about it. I didn't even know he was to the divorce stage. I have asked him repeatedly to please explain what the problem or problems are . So maybe we can try to fix them. All he says is it is too late . He doesn't want to try anymore. We can't seperate because we don't have the money. The ending problem is I am still in love with him.

He says he is not in lovee with any one including me. He also says he doesn't know how he feels.
Just that it is to much work and he doesn't want to work at it anymore. He does have a job. But like everyone else in the country we needed to incomes. Also we will be married 12 years one friday. We have been threw some really tuff times. And made it. Which is why I find his disire for divorce now strange. We havebeen through cancer, infertilty, severe money trouble and a death of an infant.Adoption. Now the problems seem to me so small compared to all of the things we have managed to work though in the past. I know some of my problems are moodyness. And the fact that am not superhuman. Before I worked I made everything home made . One of the things that I thought was a problem was that we never spend time together without the kids . But he never wants to do anything alone. I can not frce him to try but I am looking for ways to make him want to .Oh yes I go to church but he doesn't.

Answer 1

A Very unhealthy situation for all involved. First of all, I think you are right, the man has some form of depression. Second, he has to want to get help, so no matter what you request, it falls on deaf ears. Third, he should never bring the children into this kind of situation--the man is not thinking rationally at this time. So, desperate situations call for desperate trials....Try reverse psychology! When he mentions the word Divorce again, tell him it sounds like the easy way out for him, and his actions or lack of, made you realize "YOU deserve better". So as soon as the both of you can raise the extra money for the divorce, you'll be happy to set him free. Do not cater to his needs, he's the one who wants to be on his own, so give him a little taste of it now. (You have to be strong and firm at this time in your life.) Finally, Just reading your story, I can see you are the better person in that marriage, and you do deserve more from your partner. Stay Strong!

Answer 2

I agree, it does sound as though he is depressed. The fact that you two have been through so much, together with his (apparent) inability to communicate could mean that he has been bottling up all of that stuff inside himself.

He may be 'full' now, you know? He may have reached a point where he just can't continue to deal with his life in a productive way. If he has realized this at some level, even subconsciously, he may indeed be depressed. He may be VERY depressed.

See if you can get him to talk to you. Go somewhere peaceful, that is free of distractions. Ask him directly what the problem is. Be caring, be considerate; if he feels 'put on the spot' or attacked he will become defensive. Remember, he may not be able to know exactly what is wrong, and a condition like that is VERY confusing for him. It may cause him to lash out, or just shut up

Tell him that he should communicate with you, not his daughter about these matters. Tell him she is not equipped to be able to handle such things coming from her Father's mouth, and that it will only cause her confusion and hurt - and remind him that he is a good father that loves his daughter too much to do that to her.

See if you can get him to agree to counselling together with you. Promise him that it will make things better for him (it won't make them worse) and if he agrees, find a GOOD counselor (there are crummy ones out there).

Do the things you can do to help alleviate his depression; be upbeat; feed him a good diet (sugar and food additives can screw us up more than most realize); get up early and go for a walk together in the morning (it makes the whole day seem better); make sure he is sleeping a full eight hours, and going to bed at a reasonable hour; have his friends come around and support him; pay him compliments for any silly little thing you can think of.

I know all this is a lot of work, but if he's deeply depressed this is what it's gonna take to get him out of it.

Also do this: remember to take time for you. You don't have to tell anyone, just make sure you do something nice for you on a ragular basis - 'cause if you're gonna help him, you need to be in a good/strong state of mind yourself.

How are you doing - you OK?

Hang in there, and work and hope for the best. If it doesn't work out then you know you tried... life will go on, and you will be OK.

Best of luck - you're a good woman and you'll be OK.

Answer 3

I'm a christian so I give christian answers. God and prayer is so powerful.
The first thing I would do is to get into a church you like. One that is supportive and caring.
Pray about this, then ask your husband to give your marriage some more time by getting God involved. Tell him you are sorry for anything you have done that has maybe hurt him and that you want to try again in another direction.
Maybe you do go to church and have God in your life. If this is the case, you have the right to remarry if he leaves you, if you have been the kind of wife God would approve of which will never be perfect, but a repentant and loving person that tries hard to do what is right.
Ask your husband exactly what he wants of your marriage and see if his answer is reasonable. He has to do his part also to make it work.
Ask him if there is someone else. I hope he is not a spoiled brat and play boy that you can not please nor can anyone else.

Answer 4

Is he a belly dancer? Sounds like a stupid macho idiot, but grounds for divorce? Not so sure, but then, divorces so rarely seem to be based on grounds these days. Wouldn't it make more sense to address the problem by discussing it openly, possibly even with a marriage counselor. A third party could help here as husband doesn't seem to "get It".

Answer 5

You're still in love with him? Good marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. Bring out your wedding album and look at pictures. Talk of the good times. Make him his favorite things and try to get him in a good mood. He might be feeling stressed about something. Maybe he just needs to get away for awhile, and you should take him somewhere for a weekend. Stand your ground, if you don't want a divorce. Marriage is two-sided but it also takes work. It sounds like your husband just wants to give up. Make him fall in love with you all over again. He probably just needs to be reminded of why he married you. Don't let him go until you know there is absolutely nothing you can do. If you really want it to work the best thing to do is to pray. God can do things that counselors and romance can't. My advice is pray that your husband would have a change of heart.

Answer 6

I am so sorry. You cannot make your husband happy. He won't be happy with you and he won't be happy without you unless he chooses to be so. He feels he is out of love, but love can come back. He is hurting over something. You are not his psychologist, mother, or anyone but his good friend. If he won't talk to you, he is choosing not to negotiate solutions to the problems. He is copping out, giving up and caving in.

You need to get somewhere where the kids are not, get open, get real, get honest and find out what the heck he wants out of his life that you two can't do together. What would the divorce solve?

Work on the money issue. Work on communicating effectively, without blame, defense, sarcasm or anger. Hear him and be heard. Work on the solution.

You can't do this alone. He has to start stepping up. There are entire books on this issue "When it is over", "Saving a Broken Marriage", etc. Get educated and work on it. He can't leave, so he might as well at least try to get along. Yes? It may turn around. Hang in there. Get out, have some fun, get real and get to the bottom of the real issues. You can do it.

By the way, is he cheating? It sounds very likely.

Our marriage was so far past over that the only thing missing was the funeral and we saved it. It is better today than it was when we started. Yours can be too. It was painful and awful, but when there's nothing left to lose, you might as well go for it. Today it is a real, working marriage that we are both excited about and rather amazed over.

Answer 7

Well, it sounds like your question is "understanding why". That's what it says. No one knows that, including him. I don't know how old you both are but it boils down to "coping". You say you've been through tough times but all of those things were not relationship oriented, they were events and experiences in your life. This is now about the relationship.

The FIRST thing you need to do is understand that when people go through things, IT IS PEOPLE GOING THROUGH THINGS, NOT Y O U. Make sense? HE is going through stuff, not you so stop trying to figure out what you are or aren't doing. You're just existing and surviving. Plain and simple. That's what we all are doing and we're hoping that we get to do it with the love and support of a partner. Right now, you have NO support. As a matter of fact, he is draining the little support you are able to give yourself. Amazing that you can still be in love with someone like that. I know, I know,,, church. But God doesn't want one person abusing, neglecting and emotionally draining the other. He clearly says "Husbands, love your wives!".

So just give yourself support, be strong and DON'T dode over him. Kissing his butt (You don't see this) is actually perpetuating the problem. YES, you are actually contributing BIG TIME to his behavior. Stop doing that IMMEDIATELY and i G U A R R A N T E E, you will see a change immediately. Mark my word. i would lay a million dollars on it. But you have to commit to stopping the butt kissing. This forces him to take a look at himself instead of focussing on how much you're kissing his butt. Want him to change??? Change your behavior first. BE strong and he will be forced to see your strength. Strength is infectious. People all want it and strive for it. When they feel weak, they like to weaken others. It's an age old human trait. We all do it. All of us. So it's up to YOU to change. Believe it or not. :)

Answer 8

Honey, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

But I can empathize. I've been there. I am there. I understand it all.

Your husband is suffering from severe depression. And, like most depressives, he doesn't want to go for help-- because he doesn't think that anyone will be able to help him, and/or because he's not worth helping.

He will say things to your daughter because he has control over her. He will then carry those thoughts through with you if you talk with him about them because he wants to have a reason to be angry, to be sad, to FEEL something.

He won't leave you because in the end, he needs you, and he loves you. But he doesn't love himself, and he has shut off his feelings. And he doesn't want you to go, believe it or not. He just doesn't think that he deserves you.

His words are a way of showing you how hopeless he feels-- how he feels that he can't do anything to make your life and your daughter's life better. How he may actually feel humiliated because you have to work for your family to have a stable position. It doesn't matter that you went to work over a year ago. Depression doesn't happen overnight. And, by the way, he's not angry with you about it either. He's angry at him. You could kiss his butt from here to the moon; in the end, the only thing that will make a difference is if he has a different feeling about himself.

If you love him, try to keep with it. "Pander" only when you need to for your sanity. And, speaking of sanity, make sure YOU see a doctor (psychologist?) to deal with a depressed person. They play a lot of head games, as you've discovered, and you can be badly affected by this. You need the support. If he suddenly decides to go see someone, support that immediately and without judgment.

It's a hard road, and I can't tell you to stay or to go. but realize that this seems to be an issue that comes from within him, not from without. I think you're spot-on with the "diagnosis" of depression-- and it's difficult to live with, both for the person who suffers it, and for the people who love them.

Good luck, and God bless.

Answer 9

I think u know or can guess at least what is bothering him . Maybe there is another woman in his life. You did not mention if he is working or not , if he is not maybe the return to your work made him feel a failure. You know if he has any medical problems ; I mean sexually , this of course will be the reason because men don't like to feel failures in love. All what I can tell you since you're still in love with him , try your best to find out the problem and be patient because in most cases marriage problems could be solved by days .

Answer 10

He has a problem and needs some professional help. If he refuses to get help things can only get worse. Try getting him to go to church with you. Sometimes when your depressed you cant see that your hurting the ones that love you. Let him know that if he doesn't talk about whats bothering him you cant work on fixing it.