~~Chocolate Breakfast and Wisteria~~ what do you think of this poem?

Question

Chocolate for breakfast...
I could do this for a year or two.
The fellow next door is making espresso,
And someone downstairs plays a Chopin tune...
I think it's called "Wisteria."

I'm quiet and subdued,
But in a peaceful, pleasant way;
Just one of those mornings when nothing matters.
I think pretty soon--maybe today--
I'll write him a letter. But it can wait.

I smell Lily of the Valley
--that was always Mama's favorite--
Wafting on the gentle morning air...
The espresso man hums "Liebestraume"--I wish I could play it;
One of the years, I'l get there.

May late summer never leave!
I wish time would just stand still:
Nothing would ever matter again...
The flowers could stay on the window sill...
And I wouldn't be coming home--I never will.

Life is okay here, and so am I;
I've gotten used to the taste of coffee.
Don't think I miss the old life, or histeria:
This morning it's a chocolate breakfast, and the
Pianist playing "Wisteria."

I wanted to correct a mistake I made in one of the lines in the third stanza:

"One of these years, I'll get there."

Sorry.

Answer 1

its a beautiful poem even though i m not much into modern poetry but its very cute n sweet .it makes me think of a sweet autumn morning in karachi where i live.can i copy it n put it somewhere in my room what name should i write underneath it ...u said that 2 me remember but i think u r a frequent n better writer then i m .this 1 is so pretty even better then ur 2 sad poems which u put up earlier the father n algernon poems...gud luck dearest singing.i wish i could know u better.

Answer 2

You set up a rich, almost decadent, tone of languor which easily makes the reader empathize with the speaker's out-on-vacation-and-gonna-stay-on-vacation disposition. The desire for the speaker to stay within her(?) expressed environment is brilliantly underscored by the book end stanzas that both relay the motif of the "chocolate breakfast" and "Wisteria."

"Chocolate breakfast" works so well to establish the mood because of its imputation of luxuriant self-indulgence. One knows it's not a healthy breakfast, but it's so delicious.

"Wisteria" is a BRILLIANT choice of imagery because it incorporates several sensory cues. It's a genus of several climbing vines considered to be an invasive species in some areas, but it can have beautiful flowers. These vines twist and wind around any support that will allow them to grow upwards. That invasive, almost predatory nature of the vine, seems to parallel the function of the piano music, which winds its way up from below to ensnare the listener. Its beauty disarms, just as the Wisteria vine may disarm an admirer upon viewing, even with the knowledge that it is an invasive species.

Having mentioned some of your strongest imagery, there were times where the poem's vividness was blunted by overly vague (and thus relatively uninteresting) abstraction. For example, the line "I'm quiet and subdued / but in a peaceful, pleasant way" editorializes what is made so much more compellingly evident through the motif of "chocolate breakfast" and "Wisteria." You overstate the obvious and don't give enough credit to the subtly of your powerful imagery. These abstractions occur a few times throughout your poem.

Most of the sentiment of the fourth stanza becomes superfluous because the speaker, through her arduous descriptions, already makes it apparent she has no desire to leave (plus that clever formal structuring I mentioned earlier of chocolate and wisteria being repeated at the end virtually traps the speaker within the poem).

Also, watch out for redundant descriptions like "wafting on the gentle morning air." Using the word "wafting," the reader is likely to realize that the air is already "gentle."

While I love the sound of the line "The espresso man hums 'Liebestraume,'" I worry if it might be overkill. Two piano pieces within the span of one moment? It's almost too operatic when you want low-key (if you'll pardon the pun). Since the poem is about luxuriating within the senses, the reader is oddly deprived of the sounds emanating from the espresso machine. You could provide a poetically musical moment in such a description.

Again, a line like "Don't think I miss the old life" provides way too much exposition that falls flat in comparison to your more descriptive moments. But then again, you have this curious addendum of "or histeria." It creates an intriguing moment of tension heretofore unknown in the poem, since it is an almost TOO glib an aside by the speaker. It would be interesting if you could somehow introduce that tension created by this state of denial and weave it subtly (even insidiously) throughout your poem just as the Wisteria vines might.

It would help elevate the complexity of your poem, where relaxation has its own dark side as much as the workaday world. Both states of being also offer their own kind of salvation, there is reflection in relaxation and there is dignity in work. These tensions are where I think the poem seems to be headed, otherwise avoiding a facile conclusion of mere escapism. Of course, if you want to stay more "in the moment" that is another thematic option.

Just by way of inspiration, I thought I'd recommend a poem by X.J. Kennedy entitled "Nude Descending a Staircase" that shares similarities in tone to your own. It celebrates the sensual world in a similar fashion to your own poem in terms of description, although you have the additional complication of an outside world that threatens to impede upon tranquility. But that "in the moment" sensibility is definitely there in Kennedy's poem.
http://www.english.emory.edu/classes/paintings&poems/nude.html

However, if you want to shift your poem towards greater psychological complexity, I would recommend checking out Wallace Steven's poem "Sunday Morning." It's great for its vacillations between idle relaxation and pensive rumination that may be typical in a Sunday morning ritual for the speaker who may be feeling the heft of her years.
http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/wallace-stevens/sunday-morning/

Answer 3

Now, THAT is what I've been telling people. I hope they all stop by and read it. It doesn't have to rhyme to have meter and rhythm, and for the words to flow and sound beautiful. But also a little rhyme doesn't hurt. Well done, I am proud and happy for you, and proud to be considered a friend. Well done, indeed.

Answer 4

as usual you've done an excellent job, I'm a huge fan of your writing, and I can't wait until you post a new one

Answer 5

Very nicely done!

Keep writing.