is the answer at the bottom of a glass?

Question

im feeling that my marrage is at an all time low. my wife of 18 years has slept in the spare room, we went on holiday to a 4star hotel we had sex twice in 14 nights, every morning i made the point that i had an erection. she did`nt seem interested. we have been home for 6 weeks and no matter what i say or do is confrontatational. is it time to call it a day

Answer 1

No but the manufactures name is.

Answer 2

There are many many different reasons why relationships can hit a rough patch; even one that has lasted years! If the flame is still there then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to get the fire burning as before. Sex is not the most important thing to some people, especially after 18 years. Perhaps your wife is tired and needs a real rest. Your recent holiday was an extremely good idea, but you letting her know that you did it for more sex was possibly not the best move on your part. Tell her that you're going to treat her one evening to a nice meal, candles, wine and music at a nice restaurant; and not for sex! During the meal ask her gently if she has any issues or problems that are worrying her. If she's reluctant to give details, simply talk pleasantly about life etc so she might open up to you with what's worrying her. Most of all though, do NOT get angry, do not shout at her, no matter what happens, stay calm and treat her with the respect that a partner deserves. Remember, the confrontations may be a symptom of her problem, so responding negatively will only make things worse. Calling it a day may very well destroy her life. I know this sounds strange, but she might be asking you for help! It might take some time before she opens up to you, so don't expect everything to come out over one meal. If you have children, then sometimes women become exhausted looking after them and sex falls completely from the agenda. These are the hardest years of marriage for males. Most important of all, from now on bite your tongue and end the squabbling. Simply doing that will win you much favour.

I wish you all the best and I hope your relationship is flourishing in no time.

Answer 3

If talking only leads to confrontation ALL THE TIME, and you have no way of discussing the situation rationally and neither of you want to consider counselling, etc. then it is in effect over.

Not having sex is an underlying issue and for us men it is a big think which clouds our judgement and tends to make us aggressive when we don't get it, thus leading us to being idiots. You seem to be basing this all on the fact that you haven't had sex and that is all you are concerned about. While I understand it, this is simply one of the systems of a problem which began many steps down the line.

Rather than worrying about why she isn't having sex with you when you tell her you're aroused why aren't you addressing the question of why she's sleeping in the spare room?! That would be a fairly big indicator that she has some kind of problem and would also tend to indicate that she is not going to be bothered whether you've got an erection or not.

Cook her a meal or order a nice takeaway; sit her down; be as nice as you can and tell her how you feel and see what happens. If you're doing it because you want to get laid she will know it and that will make things worse. The other fact is that if you are only concerned about getting laid then you've got a non-existent marriage anyway. Either she has a problem with you [PROBABLE] or she is having personal problems with herself [POSSIBLE]. Whichever one it is this the time to find out whether you're able to handle a relationship when it hits a bad patch - you may need to look closely and objectively at yourself before you do anything.

Answer 4

Sex for a woman is more emotional , so until you sort out your relationship in other ways she wont be interested in you in the bedroom.You need to talk things through when you are both calm and communicate more.Only when you are getting on well will she want more sex!!Also, she may be depressed or just feeling pressured by you.I wouldnt get a divorce just cos you didnt have much sex on holiday!!You need to work at it and make your wife feel special and appreciated.Anyway you have been married for 18 yrs, what do you want sex twice a day?? You say you made a point that you had an erection every morning-how very unromantic of you.YOU need to be a bit more subtle.My husband goes on about sex and I cant tell you what a turn off it is.It turns sex into a chore like cooking the evening meal or washing his clothes yuk!
Be cool, play hard to get, dress nicely and talk to her more like a friend instead of treating her like a blow up doll!!good luck.

Answer 5

I don't think you want your marriage to end but you are feeling mighty rejected! When you say your wife seemed uninterested in your erection, what did you actually do? If you just said 'I'm up, get on it woman' then you might not have got the right response..time to tune into what the wife acutally wants. Could be she needs some coaxing and romancing to get her back in the mood? Or have you upset her in some way and that is why she is biting your head off? Don't give up on the marriage yet...speak to her. A man initiating the 'what can I do to make it right' conversation is as rare as a hedgehog in a dufflecoat - so you would be onto a winner if you made it clear you want to talk things through!

Answer 6

I'm sorry to tell you this, but yes it is. I was like your wife. Fed up with the relationship because that is what it had become in the 25yrs we were together.We became more like brother and sister than being a married couple. I left him 3 weeks after we came back from a 2 week hoiliday.
Hope things turn out alright for you though.

Answer 7

Your going to have to do more than just announce your erection to get the attention you crave. Your approach to sex seems to be severally lacking.
You: "Look honey, I have a stiffy!"
Your wife: "Good for you."

I think you two are not at the end of your marriage, but I do think you two could use some more efficient communication skills. Perhaps some sensitivity training too.

How do you feel about self-help books? I have one I would like you both to read. It helped my marriage by giving us more ideas to properly express ourselves to each other. It is called the "Five Love Languages" (link)

Answer 8

Dave
If you have any shred of anything worth saving in your marriage then you go for it!! It happened to me around 16 years ago but it was me.I met up with an old girlfriend & thought i could relive those years,how wrong i was. I would advise anyone to never throw away those years without at least looking over your shoulder once. Do you still love your wife,does she love you? These are questions that must be asked before you can move on.if the answer to them is yes to both then you have something worth saving!!
Good Luck to you both.

Answer 9

So if you tell her you've got an erection she is supposed to jump on you is she? Did you try telling her that you love her and that you still love her body and that she is just as pretty after 18 years as the day you met?

PS Maybe first thing in the morning is not when she feels her sexiest. Try afternoon/evening instead.

Answer 10

i think you are trying to say that you are making all the effort to initiate intimacy (your hard on is a good sign) and you still find her sexually attractive. there is no easy quick fix solution here. Unless she is having an affair, i would do my best to not throw away 18 years of the best years of your life just because sex is less frequent. Sometimes less is more. Something is at the root of this problem, you need to find out what it is and try and overcome it.

Answer 11

Hi. Sorry you are going through a bad time. You need to communicate with each other... obviously something is bothering her. You need to get her to talk... dont get cross with her. Tell her how this is making you feel and tell her you believe your marriage is worth working at. Dont offer sex at this point... you need to find out whats going on in her mind before that. Ask her if she will go along to Marriage Guidence councelling with you. Explain you want to know whats going wrong and that you want to make things better between you. Good luck... I know how painful this must be for you.