Please comment upon this impromptu poem.?

Question

Secrets in Oblivion

What wind can we in truth define
That shifts the sands but moves not time?
By what power we call divine
Could we in tendrilled waters creep?

The winds that whipers by a pine
And stirs its leaves but not the clouds.
The force that gave this life of thine
To silence, in eternal sleep.

Secrets in Oblivion

What wind can we in truth define
That shifts the sands but moves not time?
By what pow'r we call divine
Could we in tendrilled waters creep?

The winds that whiper by a pine
And stirs its leaves but not the clouds.
The force that gave this life of thine
To silence, in eternal sleep

Thank you for your comments. This really is an impromptu poem. I wrote it in 10 minutes as an experiment to determine the effectiveness of Y!Answers as a common place to develop my more troublesome stanzas. Thank you for all your compliments, here is what I've changed the poem to:

Secrets in Oblivion

What wind can we in truth define
That shifts the sands but moves not time?
And by what pow'r we call divine
Could we in tendrilled waters creep?

The winds that whiper by a pine
And stir the stars but not the clouds.
The force that gave this life of thine
To silence, in eternal sleep.


I was quite surprised that somebody was able to identify the question-answer format of this poem, which I thought appropriate for it is posted on Y!A. Thank you, and please continue to help me!

In response 3/10/2007

I do not wish my poem to be dark, I wish it be light. I am frankly terrified by the thought of a poem, an ultimate expression of humanity, becoming a manifestation of darkness!


At any rate, I already noticed the typographic error:

Secrets in Oblivion

What wind can we in truth define
That shifts the sands but moves not time?
And by what pow'r we call divine
Could we in tendrilled waters creep?

The winds that whisper by a pine
And stir the stars but not the clouds.
The force that gave this life of thine
To silence, in eternal sleep.


The winds are strong enough not to whimper. They embody life and in their living bring and carry life. I do not think oblivion dark. i think of it merely as a threshold. our questions cannot get past it, nor can answers come back from it. I hope what I have expressed could amount to at least a glimpse of these questions and answers.

Answer 1

I agree with Elaine "A Real Poem!"
I'm wondering how long you worked on this "impromptu" poem. I smell a rat.
The 1st two lines of stanza 2:
Pine needles are technically leaves, but I've never heard anyone speak of "pine leaves." It's a little distracting. You're talented enough to decide if it's worth it, I just wanted to mention it in case you hadn't noticed.
Also "winds" and "stirs" should not both end in "s." Subject- verb agreement.
I like the first 2 lines of stanza 1 the best.
Please do not insert "Question" and "Reply."

Revised version really good. Very precise (well, except the 'whipers', just a typo), good imagery. I like the title. I had a writing professor who said that sometimes the only appropriate response to a poem is "yes" or "no." Yes.

Answer 2

impromptu? WOW! I never knew anybody can write a poem like this impromptu!

Insert "Question" in the beginning of the first stanza and "Reply" in the second. I think that would make more sense.

Change "By what pow'r we call divine
Could we in tendrilled waters creep?"

into "Of what pow'r call we divine
Could in the tendrilled waters creep?"

Am I asking too much? Well, you might want to consider extending it, I know its impromptu, but still, it can be changed at a later time!

Answer 3

Does the wind whiper, whisper, or whimper?
My poem "Oblivion" is much darker(I just listed it on YA poetry)

Answer 4

Oh my! A REAL poem! Rhythm, rhyme, meter, imagery pattern -- all are there. Try to publish it. Cf. "Poet's Market" in paper or online.

Answer 5

I love it, it has just what a poem needs, rather safe though.