Should I stay or should I go?

Question

I am 38 and have been married for 20 yrs. He is a wonderful man, but I dont feel like he is the one for me any longer. I do love him, I'm not in love with him. I have been the one to raise both girls and take care of everything, while holding down a full time job. I am tired and feel like if I have to do everything, then I want to do it on my own now. Should I throw away a 20 yr marriage or should I bite my tongue and stay?

Answer 1

What do you mean "he's not the man for me any longer"? Your "wonderful man" is out of warranty and you want to trade him in for another model now?

Before you do anything really stupid, find a competent and experience counselor who can help you sort things out. Typically, men are the ones that have mid-life crises, but it sounds to me like you might be flirting with one of your own.

You owe it to your daughters (and future grandchildren) to make sure your head is on straight before you fly the coup.

Some women take everything upon themselves because they think that it's the thing to do. The husbands of those type of women many times think that everything is OK because there are no complaints. Those types of marriages can go on for years until the kid grow up and then, because there has been no communication, there's a break up.

There was a reason you married the guy. You need to get back to those feelings and revisit your courtship and first years of marriage. You have built a 20-year history together. Do everything possible to save it before chucking it all in. Believe me, there aren't that many "wonderful men" out there, and going it alone is going to be tough, especially if you leave him.

Answer 2

At the age of 38 you should not feel tired. Life is too short to be in a loveless situation and a dead end marriage. If you were married at the age of 18, obviously, you were too young and now, you feel that it's not what you wanted out of life.
Tell you what. Take some time to do some serious thinking. If you can do it on your own, then opt for a temporary separation from your husband, so you can test the waters and see if you need to terminate the marriage or give it another try. But to be honest, biting your tongue and suffering for another 20 sounds really depressing.
Take care.

Answer 3

I'm sorry that your in the undulating dilemma,but you are not the only one that feels this way. Try talking with your husband on your take of the marriage and truly listen to what he says. He may want to be there for you in the raising of the girls but as you have done it up to this point may not want to step on toes.

It is not easy out there, and depending on how old your girls are there is much ahead that you may not have taken into consideration... graduations, college,weddings, grandchildren.
All of this takes money and don't forget , then you will be all on your own. The empty nest will be at your making.

If it's the romance that has left the marriage then it is your duty to rekindle it. Try spicing things up and do it the way you would want it. Talking is the key no matter what is missing from your marriage.

I would never throw 20 yrs away just because I'm no longer IN love with my husband. That comes and goes on a weekly basic. The main thing is tell him how your feeling and what your expecting from him in return. It's the fair thing and probably the best way to find out how he feels as well.

Good Luck and I hope you'll really think long and hard before you walk out on this man.

Answer 4

20 years is a long time, and it seems that you have been almost like a beast of burden from the way you write. Women do more for the family don't they. Women wash clothes, make dinner, clean up after everyone, and YOU still hold a full time job. It seems to me that you are working TWO FULL TIME JOBS, and you just want to go away from all that.

I am not an advocate for divorce unless the marriage is abusive or dangerous. I think you should try to keep the marriage working. Take a vacation without your husband and kids. Tell your husband to help you with household chores, and if your kids are old enough ask them to help too.

However, if you feel that the marriage is holding you down too much and that you are willing to let 20 years of life go away, then it is your decision, you hold the key to your life. I hope I have helped you somehow. GOOD LUCK

Answer 5

Take a vacation by yourself and get rejuvenated. I know how you feel but you've got 20 years invested here. (It's like buying a house, you don't move because you don't like the type of grass in the yard anymore!) Make a change that'll make him seem more appealing. Bite your tongue and stay, you love him and that's all that matters so far. Being tired is okay because it's natural to start feeling this way after all this time. However, you may have to rethink this relationship after 20years. Did he always take you for granted? Did you always feel this way and just decided it NOW to leave? Perhaps you always felt this way but stayed for the kids. Now that they're grown, you can bolt. Starting over is hard, just to let you know, and after all those years. But the best part is that you had a full time job the whole time. It's harder getting back into the workforce if you didn't. SO, to answer you question, go on vacation by yourself and just think about you! Then, it'll come to you as to what you should do. Go to Nassau, it worked for me. I feel 100% better and I wasn't married for 20years.

Answer 6

I'm 49 Ive been married for 20 years.My wife takes care of me. I have a full time job and so does she.Love is a hard thin to hold onto. It would devastate me if one day she felt the way you do. Maybe an affair, maybe time away, something to try before you may make a mistake that you may not be able to fix.what ever you decide to do be honest if you really have fallen out of love and don't care about your family .Do what you feel in your heart. P.S. my wife is 6 years older than I and I have had the misfortune of having 2 strokes.I'm fully functional no disabilities and we have been through thick and thin,I will always stand by my wifes side and she will always control our assets and our home. Se gets my utmost respect an I love her dearly.We have no children. I'm pretty lucky, by the way we only new each other two weeks when we where married. good luck a friend

Answer 7

He has never worked the whole 20yrs, is he disable or just a old lazy as*. A woman should not have to the support of the whole family , your doing good now , so do what you feel like doing , it he want work than you to cut him loose. He hasn't all this time , don't sat there until 40 still wondering what to do. Tell him the free loading is over and your getting a divorce , find somebody that really you really love, let them support you for awhile or least meet you halfway.
It's time for you to enjoy life and be rid of a man that is really just using you , leave him he'll either go home to Mama are get his but out and get him a job,

Answer 8

Have you talked to him? I think it is kind of normal to go through a period of discontent or boredom when you have been married that long. You need to come together and try to find things in common. Work at falling in love again. Don't throw 20 yrs away for no good reason. Chances are you are going to cause major upset and then down the road realize that you don't really want to leave your husband. Getting a divorce is not easy even when 2 people can't get a long, let alone divorcing for no good reason.

Answer 9

I understand what youre going through.
But I think you should do either. Instead you need to go talk to your husband on sharing the responsibilities of the household. Suchas each of you raise a daughter / or he does the laundry / you do the cooking/ and dont forget going out on friday nights.
I know it may seem childish, but life is made up of small things like that. And when you organize everything you will naturally have time to go out and rekindle your relationship again before its too late.
give it a few months. If nothing improves, tell him why you feel like you need to leave. But try to save your marriage first.

Answer 10

Like others here said counseling does help. One of the things they suggest is to think of what originally attracted the two of you together. Are those things still there? If they are and they are still important to you, then maybe you have a basis for a relationship after all. Do not bite your tongue though, try to talk about it and work on it if you can,

good luck