TERRIBLE WRITER needs proofreading help! YOur help is very much appreciated!?

Question

Okay, I am going to post an introductory paragraph I wrote. If it sucks please give me some useful tips on improving it. (or reword it, whatever you feel like) Oh, and does it "excite" you about the further paragraphs?

Oh, and are you supposed to include your three supporting points in your introductory paragraph or not. This essay has to be 600 words, and I had to keep chopping my intro down because it was like 120 words....

here it is
"Many would agree that America is the greatest Nation in the world. It is home of the brave, the beautiful, and most importantly the free. Recently, the United States has invaded the country of Iraq, and among others things, has expressed its goal in stabilizing Iraq and establishing a Democratic form of government. Realistically, a lasting Democracy in Iraq is not a realistic feat for Americans.

Answer 1

I'm an english major so I'll do my best to help you out. As for the whole should all of the supporting points be in the intro, that really depends on what your teacher wants. A lot of high school classes tell you to do that, but at a certain point it is also seen as unoriginal and not great writing. If your teacher told you to, then I would do it for sure. Also, is this argumentative or what? If it is, the tone is fine, but if it's not then you don't want to start it that way. I'll assume it is and give you a sample rewording of it but PLEASE if you do take any of my tips then please do your own rewording and don't just turn this in word for word.

Many would agree that America is one of the greatest nations in the world. They consider it to be the home of the brave, the beautiful, and most importantly the free. Recently, the United States invaded the country of Iraq, and has expressed its main goal as the stabilization of Iraq and the establishing of a Democratic Iraqi government. However, it is becoming increasingly apparent that a lasting democracy in Iraq may not be a realistic goal for the American forces there.

Good luck!

Answer 2

It's been said that America is the greatest nation in the world. It's the home of the brave, the beautiful, and (most importantly) the free. Recently the United States has invaded the country of Iraq and, among other things, has expressed its intent to stabilize Iraq and establish a democratic government there. Realistically a lasting democracy in Iraq is not a feat anyone can accomplish.

Answer 3

"Many would agree that America is the greatest Nation in the world. It is home of the brave, the beautiful, and most importantly the free. Recently, the United States has invaded the country of Iraq, and among others things, has expressed its goal in stabilizing Iraq and establishing a Democratic form of government. Realistically, a lasting Democracy in Iraq is not a realistic feat for Americans.

The only thing i see wrong is in the third sentence were it says
"and among others things". It should be "and among other things". Also your missing the " at the end.

Answer 4

"Many would agree that America is the greatest nation in the world. It is the home of the brave, the beautiful, and most importantly the free. The United States invaded the country of Iraq, and among others things, expressed its goal in stabilizing Iraq and establishing a democratic form of government. Realistically, a lasting democracy in Iraq is not a realistic feat for Americans."

nation shouldn't be capitalized
I added "the"... it is the home of
Took out "recently" and "has"
democratic and democracy shouldn't be capitalized

Answer 5

Just a few things that need correcting such as :-
It is (the) home of the brave,
Recently, the United States has invaded (Iraq) - Iraq is already a known country so you don't need to call it the country of Iraq.
Otherwise I think its pretty good for a TERRIBLE WRITER =)

Answer 6

The direction my life is taking sometimes seems incomprehensible to me. This astonishment lies in the fact that I have not always been a great student. At one point in time I turned in mediocre work for mediocre grades and I was perfectly satisfied with my efforts. Its seems only yesterday my future was a dull flicker of a flame. At the present, I am first in my class at Riley High School and I participate in nine after school activities ( four of which I hold leadership roles in). I am well on my way to success. My journey to this point in my life has been a great one. In my third grade year, my teacher decided to recommend me for the DEPTH program. This was a class meant for adept students. Fortunately for me, I was a quick learner. Nevertheless, I struggled; Monday homework, Tuesday homework, Wednesday homework, Thursday homework, and even Friday! This class was way too much for my mediocre effort. I began to realize that if I wanted to obtain even decent grades in this class I would need to try harder. By my sixth grade year in DEPTH, I had finally began achieving my “just above par” grades once again. But I could only keep my head above water for so long. Eventually I made the transition to middle school. The teachers changed, the atmosphere changed, but the work did not. There was still a mess of it each and every day. Fortunately (not unfortunately) for me, my charade could no longer persist. I finally received the red, accursed, glaring, “F” on my report card. This was in Algebra, ironically today, one of my favorite subjects. Through my years of schooling until then, my mom had expressed her disappointment with my grades, but I never really listened to her. At the drop of the news, my mom made sure she unleashed every thought she had held silent for so long. I had never heard or seen her so disappointed in me. For once, I was disappointed in myself. My mom quickly became a woman of action. At parent teacher conferences, she practically begged my teachers for help. At the time I was embarrassed of her because I thought she was being overly dramatic, but now I hold pride in my mom’s willingness to fight for me. I even better understand why she fought so hard; fear and love. What was she afraid of? She was afraid that I would stop caring altogether. She was afraid that I thought I would never amount to anything. She was afraid that I would just blend in with the rest of my African-American peers, who achieved less than satisfactory grades. She was afraid that that “F” would define me forever. By the end of conferences three teachers had volunteered to help me. The problem was, the real decision remained up to me. Help was being offered, but I was under no obligation to accept it. My choices were to either take the help being offered and look to a brighter future, or I could just simply be one of many, like my mother feared. While the latter ate at me, I chose to accept the tutoring sessions. The promise that those three teachers, my mom, and many others saw in me started to mean something to me. I decided to take responsibility for my actions and my education. My grades would no longer “happen” to me, I would earn them. With this help my grades began to improve. Again, someone saw promise in me, so I was recommended to attend Lasalle Intermediate Academy. A whole school, for above par students. My eight grade year, would be the first year to truly use the tools that were given to me. The years have been very kind. With the help offered to me I was able to improve my grades. **I was so proud of gaining entrance to Lasalle.** There I impressed my teachers so much, one teacher said to my mother, “Your daughter is a genius!” At this she rolled her eyes, but the pride in her smile was evident. I was finally living up to my potential. Lasalle made the transition to High School painless for me. I take the hardest classes available now because I like challenging myself for sport. I have even developed a love for math and science, subjects I had once loathed. Mediocre is NEVER acceptable for me. Without the support of my mom, teachers, friends, and strength from God, I would be nowhere near where I am today. They teach me that I can do anything I set my mind to . . . and I have. Some typos, some odd sentence structures, but overall not bad. I fixed anything that bothered me as I read it. You used the full name of the Lasalle school twice within 10 seconds of reading time, so I modified the sentence a tad in the second appearance of the school. It's surrounded by 2 asterisks.