How can i stop being like this?

Question

The minute someone starts to get close to me, I start to act weird!! I set them tests ( secretly) to see how much they do like me. I will push, and push to see how much they will take before they leave. Of course 9/10 do. This then confirms to me that they did not like/love me as much as they said, and that I am not good enough for them. I have met a great guy, and do not want to follow the same pattern. I have spoken to him about it a bit, and he is understanding, but I feel if I could maybe understand why I do it, I may be able to stop. I do not want to screw this up, with me constantly wondering why he with me, when he could get someone so much better, and then almost testing his love for me to see if he will go? Any one out there understand me?

Answer 1

Lets face facts you are highly insecure so much so that you can't even believe someone likes you and has some alternative motive for being with you.

This drives you so nuts your only way of dealing with it is pushing them away. The good point is that you realise you are doing it. Which is the first stage to recovery your passed denial well done..

Do you see what I am doing? I am looking at the positive side of things. Everything has positive and negative aspects in life it is up to you what you see. For example lets say you assume that the guy is genuine and he turns out to be an *** then are you going to say: What a fool I am can't believe how stupid i've been or are you going to say: What a *** its good job I got rid of him?

It's all a matter of perception.

Answer 2

Oh I know of this game of old. I've been on both sides of the fence too (though not guilty of the Testing portion ~ to date).

Some years back, a friend was telling me how she has 'this behavioural thing,' that she'd get to feel close with someone and then share something personal about herself,' and (the next day!) she'd deeply resent that person knowing this.

And, as if to prove the point, she (in effect) 'turned on me.'

There are reasons and there are reasons for Why people set up these games or tests they play with others. The answer (in your case) is likely quite simple, but the root of it might best be discovered with the help of someone who is a Professional ~ with help towards changing this behaviour too.

Keep being honest about this with your 'friend' ~ allies are always useful ....and do look for Help.

Good luck.
Sash.

Answer 3

You find yourself wondering 'why is he with me?'. The answer is because he chooses to be (unless you had him at gun-point..). I had a similar train of thought when younger and I too drove away people who 'could do better'. I was a jealous person or so I thought, turns out it was just the insecurities of youth. For me these only passed when I met my wife to be, the trust was there from the start, no worrying. All that was left to do was enjoy being with some one.
In a nutshell, relax, have fun and be yourself.Your tests will prove nothing more than an ability to drive someone away.

Answer 4

Yes I understand you!
I think its a mistake to think you need to understand why you do "this" in order to change it. You just need to change it!

It seems like you are scared of being hurt so are avoiding intimacy. Pushing someone away and DOING the rejecting, instead of risking intimacy, being close then being hurt when you GET rejected.

No one will stay with you if you push them away enough times. Everyone has a limit and if you keep pushing they leave and don't come back.

Why is this guy with you? Because he WANTS to be, he has CHOSEN to be. He thinks you are WORTH being WITH. He doesn't want to be with someone else or he wouldn't have chosen to be with you.

You will have to work very hard on communicating and letting him know how you feel. When you are feeling insecure you need to tell him, not test him!

You need to start to appreciate yourself and work on your self-esteem so that you can feel you ARE worth being with.

Answer 5

Yup. Been there, done that. Stopped too soon because I thought I'd lose him, shouldn't've stopped, always got the wrong person when I stopped. This time I just pushed and pushed and pushed, but he's still here after 4 years, and we're getting married next year. But I'm still trying to push him away, I really don't want to, but I can't help myself. If you've got the right man, he will stay the distance. Good luck. x

Answer 6

understand completely where you're coming from.... you need to ask yourself why you're asking these questions? Have you been hurt before? Have you been in this situation before? Probably, but then again probably not... you want affection, but on your own terms.... it doesn't work like that. Give and take all the way. Treat evey new person like you want to be treated. Don't look for the things that aren't there. Relationships don't need analysis and that's what you're doing. That sets the wrong tone...If you've been hurt before, then you'll be looking for it in every relationship. Believe in yourself. Take a chance and believe in yourself and you may or may not be hurt, but dont take a chance and you'll never know?

Answer 7

you obviously have had bad experiences when it comes to guys. is totally a low self esteem thing. at least you have told the guy u are with just now that u have these probs so he will at least have some idea of what to expect. like others have been saying, he chose you for a reason. means you have something extra special over everyone else. hope you do well with your guy.

Answer 8

i used to do something like this with my first serious girlfriend..i would push her into walking out on me just to see if she would come back...one day she didn;t and that was the end of that...since then i have learned to accept that someone is with me because they want to be-its a question of self esteem and self belief.

Answer 9

You have some serious self-esteem issues. Until you feel good enough for any guy, maybe you shouldn't be with one -- maybe you should focus on why you don't like yourself first, try to fix that.

Answer 10

You are obviously insecure, perhaps examining why that is, will lead to you beating this problem! Perhaps you should try to find some professional help, life is too short to go on making yourself unhappy! Good luck!!