I am a 35 year old unhappily married mother of 2. I have been having an online affair with a 23 year old man. He's in his last year of college and he's an athlete so he's very busy. Our relationship started out as just friendly chats, then it became more sexually explicit. It progressed to web camming and sending dirty pics and videos etc. This went on for a few months and we finally decided to meet. We had a great time and we ended up having intense, mind blowing sex( 4 times in 1 night!). That was two weeks ago. We then said we would be friends with benefits while we're both handling our own lives and go from there day by day.
The problem is our communication has lessened and he finally told me he doesn't know if he can handle all of this right now emotionally. He thinks i'm beautiful and a great person, but he thinks we should be friends without the sex for awhile even though it was wonderful. he says he's worried about my husband finding out and how attached we seem to be and
2007-09-29 10:54:42 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
it scares him a little. So now we're supposed to be "friends and he's called me once and texted me twice in the past week. I texted him Thurs and Friday and he hasn't responded. I know this is supposed to be wrong but I am getting divorced soon and my hubby and I are just roomates, no sex. my friend and I really have strong feelings for eachother so why does it seem he's ignoring me now. I feel so rejected and don't know what to do. Don't just tell me to leave him alone cause I'm not a stalker, i just don't know how to proceed with him. How do u get over someone that u care about if u have to. I don't want to let him go......
2007-09-29 10:58:26 · update #1
by the way, there are some cultural differences also, i'm black and heps native american and white. he has alot of issues with women hurting him in the past also.
2007-09-29 11:03:39 · update #2
I have done this before...inhibitions are lowered when on-line...you are vulnerable because you are unhappy and you have to understand that on-line relationships are mostly fantasy. You can make them reality but most times it doesn't work. I can say this...enjoy what you are getting with him now...if it lasts, than you are lucky.
He is justified in his feelings though. You are married...he is becoming attached and he is worried because you can emotionally hurt him by not leaving your husband. Are you gonna divorce?
This happens a lot also after you have gone all the way and had sex.
I hope you get what it is that you want...you can not have it both ways and "friends with benefits", never works without feelings getting involved.
2007-09-30 08:11:36 · answer #1 · answered by Honey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1 of 2 things:
He is falling for you. He wants more than just a friendship but feels that he cant go further as you are still married. The lack of communication suggest he is backing off and just trying to get his head and heart round this.
Or
His fantasy of an internet lover/fling became reality. Now he's ready to move on to the next one.
You really wont know what is happening and going on inside his head. And without me knowing more about your relationship with him and the things you have said in each others company, i can only come up with those two opinions.
You said that 'he doesn't know if he can handle all of this right now emotionally' That may be a good sign. But, you also said that the two of you decided to be friends with benefits, which normally would only involve little communication, hence the non replies to your texts.
If there has been talk of each others love and feelings, then i think you should ask/text him 'What do you want from us?' and don't take 'I don't know' as an answer. Tell him you want it straight: 'Do you want me now and for the future?'
If you're not that straight forward, let him know that you are willing to wait for him to decide what he wants to do. Stay as friends, contact once in a while.
EDIT: Race is not a factor in this
2007-09-29 18:23:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe the things going on in your life scare him off.
1. You're still married and living in the same house with your husband.
2. You have 2 children
3. You met online
4. He's young and inexperienced
Those may be some factors leading to him backing away. He's probably just a little skeptical and scared.
Edit: ***In this day and age, color issues are not very big. I still think it's the situation. Do you really think a 23 year will marry or be in a serious relationship 35 year old woman. I"m around the same age and I know that I'm done with a lot of things that they want (i.e. kids, wild parties, etc. )
2007-09-29 18:02:27 · answer #3 · answered by peggy 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He sounds afraid. It is adultery since you are still techically married to your husband. He is right to be afraid of your husband, if your husband found out about you two, he could have the judge make your over come to court, which means you would probably lose your kids. He may also be scared about being an instant dad at 23.
I would lay off until the divorce is final and then try to get in contact with him.
You got used for sex...
2007-09-29 18:18:23 · answer #4 · answered by Summer B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to just let it go, and move on. because 9 times out of 10..... he already has, and that's why the communication has lessend and he is basically ignoring you.
you are 35.... with children and a husband. he's 23 and a senior in college. Right now he is in his hayday, life is about fun etc. you have too many serious things going on with you for him to take you seriously. I'm sure he knows you are about to get divorced and that probably kicked some sense into his head. Once you become a free woman, it's no longer gonna be fun, you are gonna be looking for the full blown commited relationship, and at 23, he's probably not ready for that....... especially with someone 12 years his senior.
You've lived your life, gotten married, started a family and it didn't work out..... not let that child live his. You've had your romp in the sack with a younger man to brag to your friends about, now move on and tend to your issues.
and another thing, you cheated on your husband with him..... in my eyes that kinda makes you seem a little "ho ish" and he could be looking at you the same way. who's to say you wouldn't cheat on him if you cheated on the man you made vows to spend the rest of your life with "for better or for worse".
2007-09-29 18:28:04 · answer #5 · answered by Mrs Jackson - West 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, it appears that this guy has grown up and no longer wants to do things that are immoral. I give him credit for that.
I hope you weren't getting a divorce to be with this young man. He may very well have had the interest because he felt you were safe territory, being married, he knew he wouldn't be hurt because he knew he would never have you. Once you become available he is going to run like a scared cat.
Just my opinion, I could be wrong. Hope this somehow helped.
2007-09-29 19:06:23 · answer #6 · answered by goodness 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said in the first part of your note that you agreed to be just friends with benefits and take it 'day by day'. If you agreed to that, why are wanting more from him? He is avoiding you for sure. Leave him alone and do exactly what u agreed - be friends and go day by day. If he wants to get in touch with you, he will.
You want something more than he is willing to give to you, at least right now. You are trying to hold onto something that doesnt exist for him. You want an emotional attachment and he doesnt., Dont kid yourself that he wants something more just cuz the sex was great. Sounds like he just wanted the sex - no emotion. What should you do? Let him go.
2007-09-29 18:50:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! and you expected WHat? That he needs a Mother? Honest let it go and work on your marriage. If you were in love once, you can be again. If your husband can't satisfy you, then go get some toys. I have a few and if you want some ideas on some good ones add me to your contacts. Marriage is a lot of work and most of the time its worth the effort!
2007-09-29 18:09:58 · answer #8 · answered by suscarsct 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need someone older and more experienced with life in general. Someone who can relate to you. I'm sorry you got attached - you should have known this would most likely not work out. I'm 35 and got involved with someone briefly, who was 9 years younger- big mistake.
If you can get counselling and save your marriage that would be a great option - if it is worth the effort.
There are older, more mature men out there - be positive.
2007-09-29 19:08:59 · answer #9 · answered by smartnsassy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he may have feelings for u but it seems he has morals too, and it would bother him having an affair with a married lady. if he has been hurt in the past he is being cautious, and thinks if u would cheat on your hubby than u would him also. so take it easy for now, wait until after your divorce to see him. even if u don't love your husband anymore u need to wait until after the divorce as your still legally married.
2007-09-29 18:25:53 · answer #10 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋