How do you face becoming a grandmother at 35?

Question

My daughter has found she is pregnant at 17...I did all that I could, she is a cheerleader, a senior in high school. I feel like a big failure!

Answer 1

Well...I just became a grandfather for the first time under slightly different circumstances.

You don't say "how far along" your daughter is. You also don't give any indication of your relationship with her or the father-to-be (remember he had a part in this, too), and his family's concerns. This is important regarding the options she chooses and all options need to be considered by her and her boyfriend--some of which have time constraints. I sincerely hope he is assuming some role after-the-fact and not one of those "Who me? It's your problem" types (he has "some" legal responsibilities for the up-coming child if that's your daughter's wish) My primary advice is not to become judgemental or get into a yelling match. I realize emotions are running high for a lot of reasons but you, as the true adult, need to keep it calm.

I can appreciate your sense of "failure" since, if I do the math correctly, you are speaking from first hand experiences. This does, however, give you and your daughter a unique opportunity to draw closer together. There is no "blame," no "shame," no "failure" so don't focus on any of these--they will only cloud any advice you could objectively give. Again, you as the adult need to give your daughter your support; she needs to know that you will support her in whatever decision is made.

Support? Yes, she, her boyfriend (remember to include him since he does have responsibilities and in some states legal rights as well) and you all will need support. If you are religious, speak with your clergyperson in confidence. There are also secular support that you may obtain; some of which were mentioned by others in their responses.

I hope this is of some help. I do wish all of you well.

May all be at peace.

John

Answer 2

I can totally relate. Being that young and having a child is hard on her but what a lot of people don't see is how damaging it is for a family. Looking at your life style and how this will effect all of you is a smart thing to do. You need to ask her how she feels, and tell her how you feel. No matter what there is still a baby on the way so you do have to figure out how to deal with it. If you have decided for religion or other reasons that she will give birth then the next step is asking your self and your daughter can we handle a baby? While this is hard for every teenage girl to hear it is we. This will effect you and the rest of your family. Is she mature enough for that? The hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact that she will no longer be just a teenager, or a daughter, or a cheerleader. She will be a mother. So form the time the baby is born until she is you age it's we. She is not finished high school so looking at her graduating early or getting a GED instead is a good idea. Most of all no matter what it is going to be hard. Really hard. Watching a close friend go through this
i can tell you first hand for the next 18 years it will be tough. Best of luck and if any other questions come up asking is always good.

Answer 3

S*** happens. There are alternatives such as adoption.

I had my oldest daughter at 17 and she is now the most amazing woman and mom. Which makes me a very proud granny.

Support her and her decisions but do not enable her as far as allowing her to go out and party while you watch the child. She is now a mom and must act accordingly, she needs to get an education to support herself and her child. This is not your baby to raise.

Get a child support order in place for the child. This is the wise thing to do and the sooner the better.

You are not a failure, you should have gotten the girl on birth control as soon as she told you she was sexually active.... which most girls are by the age of 15. Prevention and education are the key.

Being a cheerleader does not a smart person make. Parental trust and communication are far more important.

Answer 4

Its not your fault. its her fault.
Look at the bright side there is kids 12 and 13 on here saying that they are pregnant and dont know what to do. At least your daughter is 17 and is a senior. These other kids are gonna have to drop out of middle school.

Answer 5

You are not a failure. Sometimes these things happen and there is nothing that you can do about it.
Believe me when I say that there are grandparents in this world that are younger than you.
The best thing for you to do is be there for your daughter. I am sure that she feels in some way that she has failed you.
Let her know that you will be there for her.
Just think of it this way... some grandparents don't have very long with their grandchildren. You will have a long life with your grandchild. Think of the words, "I love you grandma." You will have a little one that thinks the world of you and... someone that you can spoil completely.

Answer 6

I think she can still make some thing of her life it might not be the path you wanted her to take but there's no turning back now. You arent a failure I bet your a great mom even though you might not feel like it at the moment but when you hold your grand child in your arms for the first time and you see what a great mother your daughter will be you will forget the fact that she had the baby at a young age. Your daughter's gonna be a great mom and do well in life and all because of the way you raised her and no one can take that pride from you. Just imagine how my parents felt I was pregnant at 15 and had my 2nd one at 17. But hey atleast I kept my kids and took care of my responsibilities, just like your daughter will all because she wants to prove to you that shes mature enough and also to prove to people that say babies cant have babies, I heard that so many times but as long as she sees that your going to be by her side she will continue to prove them all wrong. Take it from me as long as she has you to guide her and show her what she needs to do she will continue to impress and that will make you proud to be her mother and that babies grandmaw. AS PARENTS WE HAVE TO LOVE AND SUPPORT OR KIDS ALL THE WAY IN LIFE you were young when you had her and I'm pretty sure shes scared of the same things that you were at that age so sit down and try to help.GOOD LUCK AND CONGRATS.

Answer 7

I think you have a little bit of "the pot calling the kettle black" syndrone. You having her when you were 18 was okay but for her it's not (she may very well be 18 by the time she gives birth)?

Why don't you think about the way your parents dealt with your young pregnancy and what you wished they had done differently and do that with your daughter.

I do not agree with teenage pregnancy at all, but since the deed has been done, you need to support your daughter, treat her like a princess and start preparing her for what life at 18 with a baby is going to be like.

Good Luck Grandma

Answer 8

She's just doing what comes naturally, Mom, try not to hold it against her. As you've found out, it's not always the "bad" girls who get in trouble. It could always be worse, trust me.

My aunt was a grandmother at your age, and her mother was a great grandmother at 55! You'd have thought they'd have known better over the generations.

Some of the great blessings in our lives were unexpected events. It will all work out somehow.

God bless and best wishes.

Answer 9

How do you face it? Embrace it! Offer lot's of support in the area of listening, non-judgmental comments and remember pregnancy happens even with contraceptives.

It's too late for regrets and feeling like you failed. Move onward and upwards! Concentrate on being a good grandmother and a mother of a pregnant teen. She's going to need you.

Jammer

Answer 10

It's easy.My sister was a grandmother at 34.She had a great time growing with her grandchild and they are very close today and he's all grown up.
This is not your fault.It happens to the best of kids and the best of families.You are not a failure at all.
Just be there for your daughter and I wish you both the very best.God will help you through this trying time and don't be afraid to ask for his help.
Good luck and God bless.

Please don't take offence to some of the nasty answers.There's no need for being rude.